Penance Unto Me, For Me

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - This is a poem about a woman taking revenge on someone who wronged her, biding her time until she can strike.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I think my favorite lines is the beginning line about blood chilling the bones because most people associate blood with being warm but with blood being cold, it makes it feel more knife-edged. I also like the line about the only calm being before the storm, like the only true tranquil thing is before something outrageous happens.

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastical poem about someone taking revenge! I enjoyed reading this and I might check out some of your other works. And so now…

I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^

Hi there! Let's get on with a critique of this poem, shall we?

I like the complicated but reprehensible character you portray here. The emotions are all mostly relatable, and yet you represent the person in the poem as being someone nobody would want to encounter.

I'm confused as to what a "stray ebony echo" is supposed to be. It stands out because the rest of your imagery is all fairly clear to me, but this isn't. Ebony is a word that doesn't seem to have meaning here. If you're using it to mean a dark thought, what is the dark thought?

Perhaps you mean that they have a bad memory, and it draws out excessive emotions in them. Actually, I think that is what you mean, and I feel silly for not recognizing it earlier. I'd be interested to hear if I'm right! Feel free to reply to this review letting me know if you want to.

I want to dwell on your rhyme scheme for a moment. Not all the stanzas rhyme, and while it seemed like you were doing something where every other stanza rhymed at first that stopped later.

You do some things here with words that I feel like you otherwise wouldn't just to get a rhyme, especially in stanza six with forget/Beget. Poems don't have to rhyme, and once you start rhyming you have to worry about meter and flow and stuff.

Rhyming is very often best done with flow and meter. I can actually demonstrate flow by pointing to just the rhyming lines of stanzas two, four and five. If you take a look at "wisps within a wilful mind,/grinding patience from the very rind" and just say it out loud you'll be able to easily find a rhythm such that the lines feel like they match in length even though with the syllables they don't.

This, as far as I can tell (I have never formally studied poetry!), is because you wind up saying it with four stressed syllables for each line. See it as "WISPS WITHin a WILful MIND/grinding PAtience FROM the VERy RIND" and this may become clearer. This starts to get into the topic of meter, which can get complex but is simple at first and I encourage you to learn more!

Stanza five's rhyming lines provide an even better example of flow. We have "it pervades the rot/this burdensome thought". Now you've got lines that actually match in syllables, and you can say them both with two stressed syllables. "it perVADES the ROT/this BURdensome THOUGHT"

But that's kind of a coincidence as far as I can tell. With the other lines before each rhyme, it becomes very difficult to find any kind of flow.

Rather than try to force rhymes into this piece, I would rewrite it so there are no rhymes and work on your rhyme schemes with throwaway lines or couplets to start. This is an exercise I still do and I know many people who rhyme do.

Then you avoid things like "the nature of loss unto you that I will Beget" and the less awkward but still obviously forced for a rhyme "until within my core only that lingers". Perhaps you wind up writing the best line of the poem to replace it!

I hope this helped!