My favourite part of the day
is when the clock hits 4
The marble has gotten colder
and the skies have gone dimmer
There's a bone deep weariness
deep inside me
and it longs for the soothing touch
of a cold steel blade
to rip out the pain
and replace it with just
a dull, dim buzz.
when suddenly
a whine rings through the air
A sharp keen
A low sob, and grovel
that rattles the ribs
like a serpent of despair
it slithers up my throat
and hisses at the air.
as salt and silver
drains out my eyes'
and I sit there
for minutes hours days.
An indeterminate period
while my mind tears into frays.
eventually, the tears slow'
and I sit
with knees pulled up to my chest
teeth gnawing at my veins.
the silver has slowed
the salt has crusted
the feet have frozen
and my palms are open
holding the jagged pieces
of my soul
that depict an incomplete tapestry;
one that will never get old.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello there! It's catsz here to drop by and leave a review for review day! I apologize, this is going to be a short review because I'm tired and I'm still working on QUALITY not quantity...but anyways, let's dive straight into it!
Hmm..I wonder why your favorite time of day is 4? I like the specific detailing though, makes it POP.
Ohh..maybe back from work or school? We are all weary after a day of being productive.
OHH damn the details!! It is so descriptive, especially
and
Done so well, my favorite parts! The rhyming makes it easier to read. "jagged pieces of my soul"
hauntingly tragic, but beautiful too. You really know how to express these emotions and put them into words.
Description and rhymes, as well as syllables. If it wasn't for them, it wouldn't be so good. It is eerie, haunting, but it's so stunning. The blade, the pieces, the veins, just trigger strong emotions inside me.
Overall i loved this, and please continue, I am looking forward to read more of your works!!
Happy Reviewing and Happy Writing!!
~catsz
This hit me hard. Poems don’t often make me tear up, but this one is very powerful. One thing I enjoy a lot is the metaphors for certain things and the non-directness. For example, saying “the soothing touch of a cold steel blade” instead of simply saying a knife. I also really like the font getting bigger where it has “hours minutes days” and then simply saying “an indeterminate period.”
The last few lines are also very powerful, and I like the mention of salt and silver throughout the poem. Suicidal ideation or self harm are things that I feel are difficult to capture in writing but this poem does and excellent job of it.
Keep up the great work and I hope you have a great day/night!
Thanks for your review!
Oh does that mean the sun? "The marble has gotten colder"
That's a really nice metaphor!
Remember that you need a dash for bone-deep
Annd we're at the TW part.
I really like this line "to rip out the pain"! It's very evocative!
These lines are also so good , such a good descriptor. Very lyrical:3
"as salt and silver
drains out my eyes''
In general, I found the final few lines of the poem extremely powerful.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Thanks for the review!
I really liked this poem, and the title especially brought me in. When someone commits suicide, it's like they are giving up on everything, hence the word surrender.
''My favourite part of the day
is when the clock hits 4
The marble has gotten colder
and the skies have gone dimmer''
I had to read these lines a few more times, because the first time I really did not understand it. But now, I'm thinking that when people commit suicide, they like to wait until it gets dark? But that wouldn't make sense since some people commit suicide in broad daylight too.
''There's a bone deep weariness
deep inside me
and it longs for the soothing touch
of a cold steel blade
to rip out the pain''
I believe this part is referring to something like a knife. I like how you said, ''of a cold steel blade'' instead of just saying plainly that it is a knife. That line just adds more depth to it.
''as salt and silver
drains out my eyes''
Throughout your poem, you mention salt and silver. I did not really get it, even after reading it a couple of times. Is it alright if you kind of elaborate on that part?
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem, and your descriptive language.
Heyy lovelydove, thanks for the review!
As for the timing, where i live, at 4p.m it starts to get dark and the skies get kinda dull and gloomy. When one stares out of the window, it seems the world is at a standstill, the exact time when the afternoon haze of sleep hits and no one's too aware to care what's happening around them.
As for salt and silver, it's just tears made of salt that glisten purely like silver.
So the salt has crusted, and the tears have slowed.
Hope ts cleared it up <33
Thank you for your reply. And now with that information in mind, I understand your poem better!