The edges are a little blurry, but I can still make out the pastels I had picked after thinking long and hard for the wall, the faded flora on the curtains, and the rays of the light that fall so perfectly on the suncatchers. It feels like respite from something I can't put my finger on. I hear the sweet laughter in the back of my mind, and when my darling hugs me, I can feel the soft curves of her chin, the small tufts of hair that curl out beatifically from either side of her temple, the lovely lilt of her nose, and the naughty gleam in her eyes which makes apparent the mischief she seeks to cause.
My sweet girl smiles up at me, winds her tiny arms up and demands so adorably I can't refuse, "up mama! up!". With a low grunt I pick her up, dreading the day she may grow too big for me to hold so close. 'Yes', I think, 'yes, I shall savor these moments'. I twirl with all the grace of a flailing ape, but my girl does not mind, soft peals of laughter falling out of those lovely lips.
She is such a delight, I think to myself, as I hum a low melody while balancing her on my hip. Sweet girl of mine that she is, she doesn't make a fuss as I pick up the toys she has messily strewn across the floor. I huff, one day she will have to clean up after herself, but today is not that day. Today, I get to spoil her.
I look at the time, deciding she needs to have her nap now. With a soft huff, I set her down on the cot. I brush over her soft hair, jet black, the same as mine. I smile to myself, how lovely my girl is.
As she drifts off to sleep, I too depart from the land of dreams.
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Everything feels wrong; beads of sweat on my temple, a heaviness in my breath, and something stuck in my throat. I feel the knowing burn in my nose, small drops of salt-water threatening to leave the corner of my eyelids. I swallow, with a strong sigh, and make my way down the bed.
One day, I resolve, I shall meet my sweet girl again.
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139,031 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hey hey! I reviewed your Bougainvillea work, so I'm happy to have returned for another! I feel like your type of writing has a "remembrance" type of vibe. Yearning for something that isn't there...
Savoring the past times, remembering those little moments that will be so distant from us later in life. This is pretty interesting because the last story seemed to have someone who was perhaps younger. Now, we have a parent speaking to their child, it seems.
And BRUH. I was not expecting the ending. It's a pretty brutal way to easily make readers sad as heck. But it is effective nonetheless!
These works feel like something that would belong perfectly in like a flash fiction section of a newspaper. Good writing job!
Aww, this is very nice. Feelings are to be cherished, if not relived, and love, no matter how fleeting it is, is worth remembrance. I enjoy your comments, and any future works of mine would love to be reviewed! <3
Hello! I’m Milesperhour, here to review your lovely short story!
This is really beautifully written, it uses really great descriptive language, and I really get a sense of the emotions of the characters, considering how short it is. There’s an air of mystery that surrounds this whole piece, and I’m very curious as to what the ending might mean.
I don’t have much criticism for this piece, but one thing I noticed was that in the first paragraph some of the sentences could be worded a bit better.
For example: “the naughty gleam in her eyes which makes apparent the mischief she seeks to cause.” could be replaced with “the naughty gleam in her eyes that reveals the mischief she’s plotting,” or even just “the mischievous gleam in her eyes” Those are just examples to show what I mean, obviously go through and edit yourself if you see this problem arise.
Overall I really liked this piece, looking forward to seeing more of your writing in the future!
Thanks for the review! This story is basically about a woman who had miscarried a girl child, and is basically reminiscing about a life she could have had. I used such extravagance to stretch out the sentences because the narrator is the woman herself, and from her perspective, she is ready to talk and talk and live as much as she can in a dream she doesn't want to wake up from, so she tries to stretch out her description to live in the moment more. Totally get where you're coming from, and I'm hoping to improve more in the future.