We Fall by dasiamari — Lyrics | Young Writers Society

Hey, I just reviewed your other piece "The Water", looks like you're really getting into the writing which is great! I liked this one better than you're other. I think you're writing is close to being really good- most of your songs are good but then there's just a couple of lines that bring the rest of the song down. I'm going to comment on the parts I think need improvement- i.e constructive criticism instead of praise. I thought you're chorus was good and interesting however its slightly handicapped by the fact you used the wrong "there", it should have been "their". I thought these lines

keep my head held high
keep a dry eye.

have been heard a bit too much before- try to be a little more original

This part confused me

I jump in front
protect her from his blows

this mysterious "her" and "his" have been randomly introduced where as before you were just talking about "they" and "you"- and I can't understand who is who, i.e who is the "you"? And who is the "her" and his"? Also, grammatically this line

Seen thing that just
weren't right

should be "seen things" to make proper sense. Apart from that, I liked your last line "Now we fall", its so final and resonant. And I also thought this part was really interesting

Now I'm falling down
hard. I pushed everyone
up so far.
They can't hear me scream.

so well done

Keep writing- Rachel

We Fall

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