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139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
hi llama
well i really i liked this its really good but i really do want you to put up the songs that you made at school cuz they are much better then this but i really like this its really really and i still need to read more if your stuff and we need to go and work on that song we was makeing llama and you are really awesome at what you do and this is so good and dont for get the best minds and the crazy one
Hi, Dasia!
I kinda liked this song. In the end, I really did. There were awkward moments, but I feel like the message really did come across by the end. Maybe just a little attention to the structure of the piece, but honestly, I ended up liking this piece a lot.
I think this part of your chorus could use some attention. It doesn't flow like the first half of it does. Maybe stay consistent with the style. I do love the first two lines here, though. Those are just awesome. Keep the lines, just rephrase a bit.
Now, I didn't get an impression of... a split personality, if you will. I didn't see the song's subject with two different perspectives. They just seemed very lonely and explaining why they're lonely. They weren't, like, putting blame on a part of themselves. Granted, it was mentioned briefly in a couple lines, but the song as a whole didn't give that impression.
I love what you did with this metaphor of fool's gold. So awesome.
There was a part that confused me, and I'm going to try to explain it. I might utterly fail though, so feel free to disregard. xD Anyhow, after reading the first verse, I struggled with understanding the point of the doctor line in the chorus. If there's a way to foreshadow "helpless" in the introduction, it might help it better. You don't need to throw in extra lines to explain it, just maybe rewrite something or choose a different wording somewhere to give that very faint/vague impression.
I did like what you did by the second verse, though. By then, it all made sense to me, and I was incredibly happy with it.
So if you made sense of my babbling there, you are awesome. There were only particular moments that could use attention, but the overall piece actually achieved its purpose very well. Great job!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!