Young Writers Society

Hi dasiamaria! I like the idea of this, and there's some powerful verses. However, I do think some changes could be made to improve it.

London took my heart
and made him a star
London took my heart
took him so far.

I really like this verse. It's simple and catchy and I can make up a tune for it in it my head. Might I suggest making this the chorus instead? It packs more punch than the current chorus.

And your last words
Are running throu my head now
Your last goodbye
Fuels my tears tonight.

First off, "throu" should be spelled "through". Secondly, this seems weak to me, primarily because I have no clue what his last words to her were or what their last goodbye was actually like. It might be cool to set up this last goodbye scene in the first verse, then move the current first verse to the second verse. The current second verse might work in a bridge or it could be cut out. Personally, I like the first stanza of the second verse, but the rest of it seems forgettable to me.

Or is it too painful for you too?

Having "too" twice in one line seems like a bit much. Consider re-wording it.

At the end, you repeat the entire first verse. This repetition might have more impact if you repeat only a part of it, whatever you want to focus on.

Lastly, I second Hannah's comment about proof-reading.

Overall, I really like this, but I think re-arranging this and showing us more of what happened before he went to London would make it stronger. Good job and keep writing!

I like this. It's the start of something nice, simple, and genuine.

First, though, please make sure to proofread your works before you post them up here. Wouldn't you rather we spent time helping you out with things you couldn't necessarily see on your own instead of working through a bunch of grammar or spelling errors and never talking about anything substantial? For example:

I swear there getting closer
with gone.

*they're = they are
there = over there, in that place

And after that this sentence doesn't make sense anyway. With gone? Closer with gone? I don't know what it's supposed to mean.

And it's just
to painfully to think of you
now.

*too painful

to = towards or in order to
too = too much
painful = adjective
painfully = adverb, which needs to describe a verb

There's more, but I'll leave you to work it out for yourself.

As for the subject matter, I like that this seems based on a particular incident, but at first I wasn't clear whether this speaker was in London or not, and I assumed he/she was, but then it seems the object has moved to London without the speaker. I think "reached" reminded me of the way we use "come", which is spoken from the place of the speaker with the object incoming. It might be made clearer with some mention of where the speaker is. Four walls could be anywhere.

I also think that really close rhyme "right/ slight tears last through the night" is going to be kind of jarring. Plus do you really want to downplay the tears? And if you do, no one describes tears as "slight", so it sounds awkward and stilted, where the rest of the song sounds normal, simple, and what would be on the radio without too much leaning towards poetry.

Can these people call each other freely? Or does it require effort?

PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions or comments about my review, as I don't receive notifications about replies to my reviews.

Good luck, and keep writing!