History Class

Hey there, Dasia! Well it looks like Jabster has given a few of the comments I had on my mind and some of the problems I had with your lyrics but I have a few more to outline. Now, I think you have some lovely stuff here that could turn out better than it already is with a few edits here and there. I like the story it tells but since I'm reading it without any idea of what it sounds like when sung, I find it is not told in an organised way -- like, the flow is a bit weak and (excuse the term) messy.

Okay, we'll see the other problems as we go along and as I outline them througout this review.

First of all I'd like to start of with a few mistakes you made when writing this. They're not many, and I guess you could have noticed them if you had proof-read your work.

I walk in
it's sixth period (apostrophe because "its" shows that something belongs to someone/something; the apostrophe is to shorten "it is into "it's". Got it ?)
My heart starts to flutter.
My mind starts starts to blur. (I think you meant "TO blur" right?)

Like Jabster said, your song starts off kinda' well. I liked where it was going at the beginning but I'm not too sure what happened.

You sit right
across the isle
As we study Shakephea[/u]re[b]'s era. (Apostrophe again! It belongs to Shakespeare so it's 'his' era, thus the use of the apostrophe.)

Also, ^ here, I think you could have taken off a syllable (a beat) by replacing the word "era" by something like "time". It would give that verse, and thus the rest of the song, a clearer rhythm

And I'm transported
somewhere lost in time
You are Romeo
I am Juliet
And its time for you
to go
And I'm begging you, no.

But my father made you leave
Please believe
I want you here.

Your chorus vs. my issues with it:

- too much of the use of "and". I know it's a song and people seem to forget that songs should have some beautiful vocabulary. You could use other 'connectives' (which we used to call them when we were younger xD). I think seen as the last line - the previous one, just before the chorus - has an "and" in it, you should remove the first "and" from your chorus. It makes the lyrics much too repeptitive and boring.

- I see where the "father" came from - it's a Romeo & Juliet reference, right? Actually, Juliet's father didn't send Romeo away. The two families had hated each other for a long time and one day there was a public display of violence between members of the two families. Then Romeo was banished because he had been seen amongst the men caught fighting and bla bla bla, that's not really important for now.

Fifty minutes
Of history class
But I hear nothing
because I'm not here.

I don't have mcuh to say about this verse, except for your vocabulary. I think "here" could have been replaced by a better word. Maybe try rephrasing is completely by writing something like:

because I'm absent-minded

just, choose something more interesting and captivating! The loevlier the words, the lovelier it sounds in the listener's ear

I am in a world of my own.
Where I can stare
into your eyes
Comb my fingers through your hair.
I am in a world all my own.

I don't have any problem with this verse. It's pretty cool, actually. And the repetition is nice.

Teacher calls my name
that's kinda distracting
me from staring at you.

Meh :/ this might be the verse I like the least. It's so plain and bleh, get what I mean? xD I'm trying to say that the transition back into the normal world, away from the narrator's dreamland, is so bland and boring (I'm sorry, I can't find a better word). I know it's supposed to be a disappointing moment in the song but make the listener/reader feel that disappointment in a more creative way, and more mind-blowing, perhaps.

I think you could remove "teacher" and make it into something like:

I hear a voice calling my name
it distracts me from my dream,
as I stare at you

I don't know, it's just a suggestion!

I want you here
I want you to see
me, to notice I exsist

A nice and simple hook/bridge BUT!

Because to me

That last line before the chorus? What is is doing there? It has nothing to do with the chorus and if you wna to do this kind of thing where your hook/brdge links with your chorus, you have to change parts of your chorus so it fits, understand? Does it make sense to you: "Because to me/ And I'm transported"? No, of course it doesn't. So change maybe the first line of your chorus for this time or remove the line "Because to me".

Okay, so that's just about it! You need to work on grammar like things to do with apostrophes etc. here is a pretty good thread you could read to help you out if you still have problems with these.

Also, I know I'm not the best lyricist, but you should check this out for any further explanations as to how to set up your lyrics. It might help, and then again, it might not. It's up to you really.

I really hope this review helps and I'm sorry if I was harst at time; I just want to help others to improve, even if I'm not really all that good, myself.

Thank you for sharing your work!

Keep writing! x

Hi, Dasia!

Okay, so when I read this, I legitimately got excited for how this may turn out. I absolutely loved the beginning / how it was all set up. I think you could have a lot of fun with this, and I'll show you what I originally expected. Maybe it'll inspire you, maybe it'll just be mindless jabber, but it's definitely my favorite part of the song:

I walk in
its sixth period
My heart starts to flutter.
My mind starts starts blur.

You sit right
across the isle
As we study Shakepheres era.
And I stare at you.

The beginning. I read this and I was like, "Oooh... I like this." It seemed like an original way to tie an overused subject to boring school. It made it a little more interesting. "Okay, so maybe she'll relate the speaker's feelings to each of her classes!" <== that's the impression I got. Especially after noticing "history class" in the next verse.

All the other verses in the song seemed very empty and just an excuse to put something between refrains. So! I wonder if maybe making a metaphor similar to what you have in the first verse would be fun to work with? You have sixth period and the play in the first verse. That tells us she's in English class, and the refrain instantly tells us she's studying R&J. In the second verse, she's studying history... maybe they're studying... okay, I'm not up on my history. But some couple from back then. xD A different era, perhaps. And the third would be something else. I dunno! It sounded like fun. You don't have to do it like that, though.

One of my pet peeves has always been love metaphors with R&J because that play ended up with them... er. Well, dying. (I"m trusting you've read this. Or heard of this. ) SO. xD The love story is sweet until they make stupid decisions, and then I lose the sweetness of the story. Others feel differently, but that's what I notice with them anyway. Feel free to ignore~

Also, the part where the father made the person leave? It didn't really make sense since the speaker's at school. XD

Anyway, it's a fun piece! With a little tweaking, I think this could develop into something much more interesting and fun to listen to. I hope one day to hear it to music! I'm sure it's fun to hear.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!