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140,879 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Hello again, Dasia!
I like where this song is going! The story is there, and we have some very nice imagery and details given to us to help flesh out the story behind the lyrics. I also really like your chorus. It flowed very nicely and was quite catchy!
I think this is probably the weakest part of your lyrics, especially since it's right in the beginning. It's remarkably vague and takes a long time before the listener finally gets an idea what's going on. The third stanza in the quote is really just a lot of.. whining, I guess? Very hurt, desperate whining. There's not much to read between the lines, so the stanza itself doesn't serve any significant purpose. Perhaps modify this section to better allude with more details to what happened OR details to describe the... image/position/something. I'm not quite sure. xD I just know it didn't do much for me.
I like this part! There's more pretty lines, metaphors, and better use of vocabulary.
This is much like the first quote -- lots of whining. The first stanza in this quote is actually better than the previous quote, but the tone of it is still whiny or... rude/angry enough to put me off as the reader/listener. I think it's probably just pernosal preference when it comes to music? I like to express the tone and emotion through the music while the lyrics are like the ice cream on the cake. Some people see it the other way around, depending a lot on the lyrics in carrying the strong emotion and the music is just glitter in the background.
Loved the end.
I didn't have much overallcomments since I was a bit torn! There were really good moments with an equal balance of weak spots. It's certainly not one of your best works, but I think you could do something with the idea. I really do, and I think this is a great start for that.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey Dasia!
This song was really good. I actually formed a tune in my head to go along with it and it sounds amazing. What I want to suggest to you is this:
That's what I have to say for these lines.
This was, by far, my favourite stanza.
Also, I think you could've arranged the poem in parts. (I'm not much of a lyricist so I don't know what they're called.) Like this:
Something like that. Besides that, I love the emotion in this song. It's really beautiful. <3
~HPR~