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untitled fragment

by birk


So much for the unnecessary opening of old wounds, red though they may be.

Here’s to the pain, here’s to folly, and here’s to weakness.

Thread the needle, trace the cut, and swallow one more punch to the gut.


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Wed Jan 11, 2017 11:12 am
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Nikayla wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here to tackle this for a review!

So this was quite interesting when it comes to having thought. There's not really much of a topic for the poem itself here but I didn't really find that you needed one all that much. This is one of the poems where i don't really mind that it can apply to more than just a single person, though I figured this was based off something of your experiences. The title says 'untitled fragment' but I don't yet know what that means, so I'm either assuming that this is a part of a poem that you haven't yet finished or it's a fragment as in its fragmented and quite short, in the case of the later I think it works quite well that way.

I think the strength of the poem lies in the formatting of it because it works so well like Lumi explained in his own review. The lines are powerful and while I think the second line was probably my least favorite because I could see a bit of connection through the first and third line with opening wounds and thread (which I've been assuming is stitching up those wounds and if so, I love how subtle you are with the execution of this.)

The start of the first line isn't exactly the strongest and I think it's that line and the second one that have trouble with flow more than anything else because I adored the set-up of the third line and it has the most emotional impact out of all three from the poem. I'd have to say the second line does the least amount, but that's not to say that it doesn't get the point across. You do well with this poem though some will argue that it's too distant because of the way its read, but it works well with the rest of it.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:37 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Visceral!

I like the structure you have here because as it plays out, you're set up as:

A line dedicated to reflection.
A line dedicated to introspection in the moment.
A line dedicated to the viscera and imagery of the immediate pain.

It absolutely works. Is the flow the absolute best? Nyeh, but that's acceptable because the piece makes up for it in punch and emotional gumption. I would be remiss, though, if I grazed over the first line's ability to improve by huge intervals just by adjusting word choice. "Unnecessary" is unnecessary, and allows it to smooth out, though the end of the line is HEAVILY prosaic in syntax in your "red though they may be." In poetic flow, it trips up the tongue and adds clunk. I'd suggest experimenting here and possibly trying an image simile in its place.

The remaining advice is the way the remainder of the piece follows the imperative tense (stating "This, this, do this," with no subject or pronoun to attach to the action. While it allows for a vagueness that gives way for personal attachment, it also alienates a breed of readers who WANT that "I" or "you" or anything in the poem. It's an experiment worth conducting, but I really do love what you have here. It resonated with me and made my tums hurt.

You're a good poet, birkley brown.
Ty





There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke