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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Fun fact before I go reviewing; I searched up the meaning of bedroll. Why can't you just say sleeping bag? D: Oh wait, it's for the rhyme. Maybe. Never mind.
The first stanza is okay. Not particularly attention grabbing, but it makes for a nice setup with a clear imagery. The use of bedroll instead of bed makes it clear that the atmosphere is different than the usual one when you want to sleep soundly in your room. People usually use bedroll when they're outside because of outdoor activities. So, why is the You outside? Let's continue reading.
The second stanza brings bad vibe. I don't get it when it says You want time to swallow them simply because time is an abstract concept and fitting it into this sentence opens many interpretations, which is a contrast with the first stanza. In terms of meaning, it is not clear. But in terms of developing the atmosphere, it's efficient. Maybe You want to die, who knows.
The next two stanzas are closely related to each other, so much so that they can be merged into one. We are introduced to the second character, She, who seems to be a bad person, because of her clingy-ness ('while you thought she'd let/go of your soul') and the You responds to it by hiding in their hole. It's a clear depiction of an unhealthy relationship, of a person who can't leave an attachment, and another who can't seem to decide how to solve the issue. Oh well. It's sad.
The stanza after that about You's former self being unrolled demands an elaboration. If this meek, scared You is You's current self, then their former self is something else entirely? Perhaps, being confronted by this clingy She, You acts irrationally, perhaps even resorting to violence to reject She? Or maybe, You secretly wants to be held in She's hand and relishes the sensation of being wanted and needed, even if the needing is obsession? So many questions and no answer! I am not satisfied. *insert angry emoticon*
The repetition of the last stanza, 'I was taking control' clearly the best line in this poem. The colour red applied to it, while being a style that against my personal preference (I like the words in black, thank you very much), works here. It is a visual change of anger, of dominion, and this transition cannot be sufficiently captured by italicisation or words in bold. We're introduced to another character, the I, who has been watching You, and we wonder, who is I? Is it a personification of something that belongs to You? Fear? Or is it a real person? Whoever or whatever I is, I personally think that the line carries so much emotion and that I cannot be messed with!
The consistency of rhyming is A+. Love it, worship it, I'll give it all the kisses I have, and yeah, do more of this structured poem. Rhymed poetry is underrated here.
And that is all! Keep up the good job! c:
hey, here for a review!! (tw - mention of the idea of an abusive relationship)
I haven't done one for some time so I'll try my best.
Firstly, I wanted to touch on how this poem is well written and it's simplistic but not too simplistic that I can't derive my own meaning of it. I'm not sure if you meant it to be about an abusive relationship, but that is the vibe I got from this poem.
Now, let's get to the actual review part.
I'm going to take this stanza by stanza and add a few comments.
The first "stanza" or lines,
it sets a threatening, ominous tone. It seems as if someone was watching over, very spooky. It's nice. One thing I will say about it is that I don't really like the way you cut off after sleeping, it sounds choppy and it does not really advance the poem in a significant way. This can also be applied to all of the other stanza lines.
To be completely honest, I did not get what you were possibly trying to get through the first couple times I read this line. I first read it as you were waiting for some free time so you could somehow swallow yourself whole. Then, I read it correctly. The break in between the two lines really can change the meaning trying to be presented.
Now for stanza three, . Here you introduce a second character, the "she". This is when I thought of an abusive relationship being portrayed. It's a nice defining line.
Nothing really much on the fourth line/stanza.
For the last "stanza", . I actually find this to be my favorite line of the piece. I envisioned some sort of person becoming rebirthed in a way that was better for them, they are making themselves a better person for the future.
One last comment on the last two very small lines, I would recommend keeping capitalized and uncapitalized letters consistent. Either do it all the way through or don't.
Overall, (not my best most, organized review) but your poem shined with different meanings and it was written very well, applause to you. I wish the best of luck on your other posts and poems !!