So there’s this guy that never leaves me alone.
He’s been around to bug me as long as I remember.
And he’s almost like my own personal clone.
Or that guy you hate, who is sadly a distant family member.
Everywhere he has followed me.
Through school, and love and even work.
At church I was often an absentee.
It’s where I got it the worst, damn that clerk!
Always going on about this douche and his tricks.
Each and every Sunday, he’d hit me up for money.
He made me feel dumb and inferior and he did it all for kicks!
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I wanted to punch a bunny.
Even at my baptism, the priest was a jerk.
I remember it vividly and wish I could forget.
He dropped me in the water and began to twerk!
Death to God I swore on that day, as I laid cold and wet.
So how did I get over my almighty bully?
Well to tell you the truth, my name is Clayton.
And though you may find it hard to believe fully,
I just found the almighty Satan.
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"Everywhere he has followed me.
Through school, and love and even work.
At church I was often an absentee.
It’s where I got it the worst, damn that clerk!"
There should be a comma after "and" before "even" and the last 2 lines didn't seem relevant or to make sense to me.
In total the entire story did not make sense to me.
I cannot tell who the bully is. At first I suspected it would be himself.
Church came out of no where. Do you mean the bully is satan or your new friend is satan or the church or god is your bully and satan saved you? It was confusing. Sorry.
The bully was Jesus! xD
He hits me up for money every sunday... you know, the church offering. It's just a fun little poem, which may or may not be stupid.
Thanks for reading!
Ah, that makes sense! I was suspecting that towards the end. It was a fun little poem, I just had a hard time dipicting it. It might be because I'm not good at decoding poetry as I would like to.
It's rather more that I suck at poetry.
Not my thing, but it's fun sometimes.
Hey Chips here to review.
Well I liked the idea behind this and the imagery created was vivid and interesting. It was quite a different perspective of a "bully" in my opinion.
I feel like its a dark yet humorous piece that had a certain emotion to it also that added personal experience.
However there is always room for improvement so there are some suggestions and points I'd like to address to you.
The rhyme scheme worked majority of the time in the poem, but I think at times it would have benefitted with no rhyme scheme as it started to go off the point a bit, it caused confusion and took away from some emotion created, in my opinion.
"So how did I get over my almighty bully?
Well to tell you the truth, my name is Clayton.
And though you may find it hard to believe fully,
I just found the almighty Satan."
This included religious connotations, "almighty" and "satan" which was interesting, I assume the bully was Satan?
Overall I did enjoy reading this piece, it had a good voice behind it, I just felt it didn't really have a proper ending. I hope I was of help to you.
--Chips
Nooooo, God was the bully!
Cause he's perfect and stuff? And he hits me up for money each sunday...you know, collection plates etc.
Eh, maybe I should write poetry about pain like everyone else.
Thanks for the review!
lol oh sorry that was probably just my ignorance, keep writing happy stuff and what not
lol oh sorry that was probably just my ignorance, keep writing happy stuff and what not
Hey! XD
So this is a very dramatic piece about a very serious issue.
Judging from the way you have written about this topic, it would suggest that you have personal experience in dealing with it.
Especially lines like here:
'Always going on about this douche and his tricks.
Each and every Sunday, he’d hit me up for money.'
However, the language you use in this piece should come with a warning, so I would make sure you put that on your work. about a 16 would do for this work I think, it just wouldn't be suitable for all younger readers generally speaking.
Otherwise, I think you have some awesome ideas here, conveyed in an unsunual way:
'Death to God I swore on that day, as I laid cold and wet. '
With a lot of heavy Christian imagery. Which is an interesting combination.
Keep writing.
~BSF
It's all basicly satire.
Thanks for the review!
I enjoy your poem a lot. I feel like it doesn't really go anywhere though, if that make sense. I mean I think it's a very good start but there could be better word choice and diction to get your point across more clearly. I did enjoy it a lot though. I hope this can help
<3
"This poem is for people that like dark poems like this, reading this reminds people of their bully's and one I used to have. This poem puts people into the scenes their reading and makes them want to do something about it, but they aren't the creators or writers, but you are. Write what you like, Don't let peoples words get in the way" -EmeraldLinks