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139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
Hey, Birkhoff! Strange here, and I felt the need to review one of your works. I was going to review one of Jeff's diaries, but I wanted to explore a new territory. I found this and two other poems. I like trains, so why not! This is going to include many references to film and internet so be prepared.
First of all, this reminds me of a great movie starring Jim Carrey. You obviously know what movie I'm talking about. This whole poem makes me think of it. One of the reasons I enjoyed this poem.
Usually, I'm not that cynical guy who points out every mistake so don't expect me to pick out all of the bad. The flow was somewhat misplaced at times but not always. I really had no problems with anything else.
I do enjoy the words you used in this. It had flair. It didn't have the case of the mondays.(Huehuehue). It showed love and how the narrator felt. The narrator says trains are amazing. It is basically saying trains are like heaven to you (Or the Long Island Rail Road in this case huehuehue).
Overall, I really liked it and I do like the idea. I also loved the ending word. "Trains" It's letting the reader know it's over.
Strange gives you..
7.8/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay Groovy
Hey Birkhoff!
Looks like I'm on a poetry reviewing kick tonight, not that that's relevant at all. This review will go through each stanza, I'll point out some weaknesses, and the points I thought you were strong end. I'll summarize the review with some thoughts and a farewell.
Stanza One
I love poems about memories. My only suggestion on this stanza is, italicize the next to last line, if it's a thought. That will ensure maximum clarity.
Stanza Two
This part kind of skips back in the 'story' of the poem to the actual meeting. Be careful using this sort of structure, because it can become confusing. You used it well though, so no worries there, just a word of advice. Again, I suggest you use italics anytime he's thinking.
Stanza Three
You however, did not. It seems so easy from above.
Did she not lose your eyes, or did she not lose hers? That line wasn't clear to me. As usual, K suggest you use italics. To denote his thoughts that are heard.
Stanza Four
You summarize the poem well! I love how it wraps around like it does. Like I said, I love poems about memories.
Overall, you have a nice poem going on. My only suggestions are, shoot for more clarity, and remember to use italics if you want to! Keep up the good work.
i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.
Hello There........
I also liked how you ended each stanza. Nothing really bad to say here. You are a great writer and I hope to see more! 
The poem is wonderful! It shows the true passion that you have for trains and the luck it has brought you. Also I loved the way that you closed it the same way you began it.
You say you met somebody on a train. And then be an talking about the train itself. It doesn't make much sense to me to do that. Also you lack of foreshadowing has really gotten to me. Just had to get that of my chest. Also I didn't understand what you ment when you said "when push came to shove." Maybe it's a reference to to a situation becoming more serious.
All, and all, the poem is fine in my eyes, so keep it up!
he flow is broken once again here. Why say you're a puppet when you haven't actually foreshadowed hints about that from the rest of the stanzas? I think that line is misplaced. How about expanding on the topic why you consider yourself a puppet by adding some more parts in the narrative sequence?
Heya Birkoff! Alf here for a review! Time to attack your poem with words of criticizing! Sorry, I'm out of power shouts.
I really like how you started it with the simple word Trains. It gives the impression that that is a poem about trains, and love. My only problem is the second part of the second line. It's very cute and all, but it lacks something. I can exactly pin it down, but it just lacks some more words to make it look lovelier. Try to check up on it if you can
Psyduck used confusion! I'm a bit confused here. What is being soaked? What is not to be blown? I think it's the idea of the train, but the idea is still very unclear and you need to make it clear in your lines.
how about a simple 'you met my gaze'? That will work, right? Also, it should be met, right, because this all happened before? Anyways, I like the sense that you're trying to replace eyes with another term and all, but the 'windows to the soul' kinda obstructs the nice flow you have in this piece. Try something else
I love this line. It's like a soap opera or something
I like this better as 'push became shove'. I think it gets a bit confusing with that.
The flow is broken once again here. Why say you're a puppet when you haven't actually foreshadowed hints about that from the rest of the stanzas? I think that line is misplaced. How about expanding on the topic why you consider yourself a puppet by adding some more parts in the narrative sequence?
That's all for now! I love the sense of the piece, true love in the most unexpected places and all that, and the story's quite cute. I love how it's made, the tone and everything, and although there are things to be fixed, it's already nice. A good read!
Good luck writing!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Hello there here is a me XD with a little review for you ceep in mind that this review is for review day so it will not be very large.
I hope it helps you out.
OK first off you did not say much about trains at all just that you love them you could call it "I met you on a train" or something.
Good work though every thing was good the grammar and spelling and such was good except for the large amount of periods and you did not put a period at the end of your section do you see what I mean?
But it was great I liked at.
Until later "good bye and may god be with you".
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
Hope it helped you out. XD
Forgive me if I miss spelled or rambled I ramble quite a bit so let me know if I did and once again good job.
Hmmm, am not a poem expert but i think there's something missing. The few poems i read had some unity in the lines. And it would greatly attract more if you made it rhyme a little. But all in all, it was somehow nice.