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137,783 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
So I wasn't sure about reviewing this since it is my standard to avoid mod poetry. Trying to read red text on a dark gray background finally got to me though, based on my main issue of, it's really hard to read the poem, dude. Like I get the idea of setting it against and image and thankfully this isn't one of those pieces where the author went, "la la la made a cover for this single poem."
Thanks for not being one of those people
And in combination with being difficult to read, the presentation is just overall distracting?
I should move along though.
Guess you want to hear something about the actual content, huh?
I started writing the review this morning like way early and then someone beat me to the green room review because of laziness and exams.
Now for the actual content review.
All of your line splits are feeling a bit off to me, which are looking more like you ended it there because the page ended it there, rather than a stylistic reason. That's kind of bothersome?
For full effect, the design running in my head is something you might not like and to be honest, I don't care too much for it either. Like you could go with something like this:
That design comes straight out of poetry I'm not the biggest fan of, but if we're following the comma placement, that's how the line comes out. I saw one of the previous reviewers complain about your comma usage but I think it's just getting thrown by the design and line format.
Might also want to use italics for 'alone' for emphasis. The extra comma by itself just looks a bit funky.
As I'm reading more of this, I'm guessing that you were sort of going for poetry prose, since everything is legit sentences. But to go with that, I think you're gonna have to go with a bit of re-ordering to make this work in some form. Slide 'heat' up to the line before and tack on a comma to correct the flow.
That's one solution for this stanza.
An overall thing is the metaphor usage, which is a bit here and there. Mainly over there, in the corner, being 'dramatic'.
I'm looking for the right wording but the poem feels rather cheap to me.
Which as I've said before, is a byproduct of reading way too much poetry on YWS. Way too much.
Another thing I saw someone complain about is the transition from loneliness to the past recollection of not being alone. And I think the previous reviewers issue with that, is that they didn't recognize it as that. At least that's how I interpreted the italicized stanza, a transition into memory and the speaker with their secondary speech onto how they weren't always like this.
Side thing:
You used 'cavity' as your central word for all of this and there's part of this phrasing that messes with me.
This messes with me because a cavity as a dental issue, can totally be filled. So I get the message that this problem is vast and empty and can not be filled, but as a reader, I shouldn't be laughing on the last line of a dark, brooding poem. Maybe it's unique to me that I'm laughing at this line but it's just like breaking the entire speech that you've written so far. The last line is the wrap up and everything means the same thing (and sometimes like that philosophical questioning stuff), but this support just sort of falls apart.
Best recommendation is go for alternate wording?
There's a lot there and I know I'm not particularly clear, so just catch me on discord for a better explanation. I guess it comes down to something like this.
- metaphors feel a bit much
- if you want to use them all, maybe consider adding padding in between
- think about line organization, it could do with a bit of shuffling
- i'm bad at explaining critiques lol
-Lizz
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about how a person feels lonely and hopeless and how all efforts are compared to trying to fill an unflllable emptiness. The poem succeeds in describing just how deeply depressed the speaker feels and the futility that he experiences in finding a solution. Tells us that the depression is due to loneliness
The reference to tiny imprints that we leave behind after we die made me wonder whether they are really all as insignificant as describe. After all, our actions are like ripples in a placid lake.
For example, how do we know that the person whom we taught how to play a musical instrument won't have kids whom he teaches and that one of those kids will turn out to be a famous composer or musician? How do we know that the person we helped to become a Christian won't help to convert someone who becomes a spiritual blessing to mankind? How do we know that our unintended cruelty won't push a deeply depressed person into suicide and cause suffering to other people related to him?
In short, what might seem like tiny imprints might not be tiny at all. So why should we assume that they are? But of course this is merely what the speaker assumes and such assumptions can be caused by the depression itself.
The poem mentions loneliness and then calls someone baby and tell her to take him higher.
This seems to contradict the total isolation impression that was mentioned previously.
I had trouble understanding how foreign powers and an air-steam fit in.
suggestion
The part about the foreign powers and air-stream is confusing.
Telling the reader that thoughts are inside the head is unnecessary.
All in all an interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hey there!
Ejay here for a review.
To begin with, I really liked your title. It is unique. Having an interesting title is very important if readers are to be drawn to read your piece. So, you pretty much got that base covered, so Yay!
Further, I personally felt that your piece was rather intense. It resonates well with the reader. I was able to feel your emotions. Overall, it was a nice read.
The only flaw that I found was the inappropriate use of commas. Also, punctuation can be improved upon.
Hope that it was helpful.
Do drop by for a review.
Regards,
Ejay