z

Young Writers Society


12+

Snippet

by ashtheawesome12401


I found this on my Ipod from like months ago. You guys can roast it. I did not even bother to revise it. These are characters from the novel I am writing. Enjoy, I guess? Sorry about the formatting as well. Love you all :)



They were sitting together eating lunch. It was simple. Some small sandwiches and a cake for later.

Elizabeth was sitting up straight and proper as she would. While Nathaniel was reLaxed, and somehow a messy eater although he's had hundreds of years to practice not being so u

"Nathaniel," Elizabeth spoke up.

He looked up at her.

They weren't speaking. Not how they once did at least .Although recently they were back together, it was very rocky, and today was one of the rockier days.

"Yes?" He asked, biting into his food.

"We need to talk," she said, noticing he still kept the forget me nots in his hair.

Nathaniel cocked his head to the side, "About what?"

"This," she said, "About all of this."

"What's there to talk about?" He asked.

She stayed quiet, trying to gather up her thoughts. He stared at her, his fingers twitching.

She took a deep breath, "Nathaniel. Are you happy?"

He looked at her confused, then revealed a tiny smile, "Of course I am."

"No you're not, you're still grieving over Holly, I hurt you I-" she started, hot tears welled up in her eyes. One even fell.

"Elizabeth!" He exclaimed, "You did not hurt me.Many years ago you did. But you were just trying to help."

Elizabeth cried softly, "I made you live with me here. I ruined your time line!"

"That doesn't matter Liz," he answered slightly taken aback by all of this.

She slammed her hand down on the table.It shook.

"Yes it does!" She cried out.

Nathaniel took a deep breath, he stood up and went over to her side. He wrapped his arms around her.

"You did nothing wrong," he said, gently patting her on the back. She let out a sob and pushed him away. She got up and ran out the back door.

It slammed shut behind her.

Nathaniel stood there, shocked.

"Did I do something?" He murmured, his face hot. He pushed the thought aside, and ran out the back door, to try to find his girlfriend.

"Please not the woods,"he mumbled.

He went all over trying to find her. Then he felt something cold and wet hit his arm.

"What?" He commented, then looked up. And then more drops fell from the now gray sky.

He cursed, "Damnit!Oh come on!"

He put his hood over his head and continued searching as the rain fell harder and harder.

A faun bumped into him.

"Are you alright?" The faun asked,his eyes wide with concern.

"Elizabeth," Nathaniel replied.

The faun nodded and asked, "Is she your friend?"

"She's all alone! I need to find her!" Nathaniel cried, then stopped himself, "wait. are you Iwanich?"

The faun nodded, "The one and only."

"Did you see Elizabeth," Nathaniel cried, "please!"

Iwanich shook his head, "The birds might have, hold on!"

He whistled. No birds replied.

Nathaniel groaned, "I don't have time for this!"

A bird finally answered.

"she's in the clearing, by the blackberry bushes," Iwanich says, "Only a few feet that way,"

He pointed In that direction, then lightly pushed Nathan, "Go!"

And Nathaniel began to run.

After what seemed like hours, there she was. Sitting there and rocking back and forth.

Nathaniel stepped on a twig, Elizabeth gasped and looked up.

He ran over to her and hugged her tight. He began to cry.

"Don't ever do that again," he cried, hugging her tighter.

"I'm so sorry, " she whimpered.

The rain continued. He saw she was wearing a sundress.

Pulling away he pulled off his hoodie and put it on her.

"It's damp but," he says.

"What about you?" She asks.

"Who cares," he answered.

"I do," she whispers. He pulled her close again and held her.

"I'm happy you know," he mumbled, "Are you?"

She slowly answered, "yes"

They stayed like that for a while. Hugging and crying.

Iwanich trotted past. He saw them hugging.He smiled. He carried on with his life.

Soon enough the rain cleared.

"Let's go home," Nathaniel suggested.

Elizabeth nodded, "that'd be nice"

They recollected themselves,and went back to their home.


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1081 Reviews


Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

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Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:45 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

You need to get a grammar checker. There are grammar and punctuation errors everywhere in this story but I'll cover a few. Commas have spaces after them, just a single one, like this sentence:

Hi, I'm Selena.
not,
Hi,I'm Selena.
That's a small thing, but it was bugging me. Something else that I found was the inconsistency with the grammar errors, in some parts you wrote dialogue right, other times not, but I just generally suggest using one so that this is readable for the reader.

Jumping off of that, I want to talk about the structure that this was written in. You used a lot of dialogue tags over and over, and the same ones with "Nathaniel said." and everything of that sort. This is something that I suggest you cut down on so the dialogue flows better. Instead of having that there and having your characters be talking heads, have them do something sometimes after the line of dialogue like them fiddling with a pen or pressing their lips into a thin line, whatever fits and is appropriate in that time. I say this because vocal communication isn't the only communication and I don't think that people get that body language is a large part of it as well, so use that to your advantage to bring your characters to life.

As for the structure of the overall piece, it was mostly dialogue and it lacked anything else. It wasn't really in paragraphs because of the lines being so short which was something that annoyed me. Extend them from just that, don't just end them at the dialogue all the time. Have thoughts of the main character fill that empty void sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes. With the lack of really paragraphs, we don't get any imagery or anything of that sort in this piece. The imagery is your flesh while the characters, plot, and so on, is your bone structure. Describe the atmosphere of what's going on so the reader has a guide to envision it.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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48 Reviews


Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Sun Nov 27, 2016 5:48 am
Jyva wrote a review...



>Something old from my iPod. Please roast it.

you've got errors everywhere. broken grammar, boring dialogue, every sentence is on a new line for some reason. there's only two characters, too. you don't need "elizabeth said" or "nathaniel suggested", etc, after every single bloody dialogue line. once one character speaks, it can be safely assumed that the next dialogue line is from the other character.




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14 Reviews


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Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:35 am
AmyMedek wrote a review...



It has a nice flow to it, especially since it goes by so quickly with dialogue in mind. I would've liked to see some more interactions though rather than having to guess what they're doing part of the time. You did have some, but I think you could add more to make it easier to read. Also, I wasn't able to finish the second paragraph since it got cut off.





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