Patrick stared at the person in front of him. Neither spoke. Verlin pulled Patrick aside, and out of other people’s way. Ae stared at aer’s new acquaintance right back.
“So anything you wanna do?” Verlin asks, raising an eyebrow. Patrick shrugged. People stared at the teenagers but moved along.
Patrick rubbed his star-covered arm, “Is it normal for so many people watching?”
“Usually it isn’t like this,” Verlin replies, “But since we’re just standing here then yes.”
Patrick sighed, “I suppose we go.”
Verlin looked at the red and black haired boy, “Yeah, I guess.”
“We should get going?” Patrick suggests, averting his eyes from the beautiful person in front of him.
“Yea, we should,” Verlin answered, “Where do you want to go?”
Patrick’s lips curled into a sly grin, with that he shrugged. Verlin sighed.But then Verlin perked up.
“I know just the place,” ae smiled, “We can go to the ice cream shop nearby.”
“I haven’t had ice cream in a long time,” Patrick sighed, “That’ll be nice.”
Verlin gasped, “No way! When was the last time you had ice cream?”
“Mmm, two or three years ago,” Patrick answered.
Verlin gasped again, ae then grabbed Patrick’s hand and began speed-walking to the ice cream shop.
After about fifteen minutes they were there.The ice cream shop’s building, was different compared to all of it’s neighbors. The neighboring buildings were tall, skyscraper, structures, with glass windows all over, and were a dull gray color.
However, the ice cream shop.Which was called, “Ice Cream Dream”. The sign for that was a generic cloud pattern with a blue flowy paint for the letters. The building itself was a pale mint green, and it almost looked like it belonged in the 1950’s, rather than the modern times.
Patrick was taken aback by this. But Verlin pulled him inside.
Patrick shivered in the cold air. Verlin didn’t react to the cold at all, and just took out aers wallet.The server stared at them, with a plastered smile on her face.
“Two cones,” Ae said, then turned to Patrick, “What flavor?’
The server glanced at Patrick. Who was looking at all the flavors.
“Pistachio...please,” he said, nodding happily.
“And you?” the server asked Verlin.
“Rocky road,” Verlin grinned, “Please and thanks.”
After they got their ice cream, they went outside, it was a warm day so why not. Verlin brought Patrick to a local floral garden, and led him to a red bench.
“Thank you.Do you want me to pay you back? I have the money.” Patrick says, licking his icecream. Verlin smiles.
Verlin then spoke up, “That’s what friends are for.So no.”
Patrick sighed, “You sure?’
“Yeah,” Verlin smiled.
They both were quiet and simply stayed there, enjoying the view and their ice creams.
All of a sudden, Patrick’s phone rang. He checked it.His mother was calling.He shakily answered the phone.
“Hello?” Patrick asked.
His mother said suddenly, “Patrick. I know you just got there, but we need you home.Now.”
With that she ended the call. Patrick closed his phone, his eyes wide with fear.
Verlin tilted aers head,”What’s wrong?”
Patrick got up shakily, “I don’t know.”
End of chapter
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there, ashtheawesome12401. My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your chapter today!
I'll be writing this from my phone, so fair warning; I may miss things or there may be typos/spelling mistakes. My phone is a jerk; autocorrect is worse. XD
I'm guessing these are preferred pronouns for Verlin? This is awesome. I don't see many people who include this! And when they do, they get a lot of "shouldn't that be he/she/etc??" and that's really annoying because, no. No, it shouldn't. I love that you've done this!
I think you might be missing a few words here? This sentence is a little choppy and seems to be missing a few key words. Is it supposed to be, “Is it normal for so many people to be watching us?” ? Also that comma after "arm" should be a full stop. There's nothing to indicate he's speaking (no said/muttered/hissed/etc), so there's no need for a comma.
The capital b in "but" should be lowercase. Verlin's continuing the sentence, right? If not, the comma after "replied" becomes a full stop. I'm feeling like this is definitely a continuation of the sentence, though. You're also missing a comma after "then".
Technically, this is correct, but I tend to use sighed as sighed and not a dialogue tag. So you can either keep this as it is, or you can change the comma to a full stop. Also, you seem to be missing a word again. I feel like there should be a "should" in this sentence, like so; "I suppose we should go".
Again, you've used a comma when it should be a full stop.
This is the third time you've slipped tenses. You started with past, then slipped into present and back again. I suggest you try sticking to one or the other, or you're going to have some really confused readers.
Okay, this sentence is all kinds of awkward. It's technically two sentences and there's no need for the "with". I would take it out and do this;
"Patrick’s lips curled into a sly grin. He shrugged."
And even then, there's so much more you can do with this entire chapter. I'm going to stop here because if I keep going, we'll be here all day. You have a couple of interesting characters and a decent bare bones chapter, but you're telling not showing, and it's quite obvious. I've skimmed the rest of the chapter and I think you need some more description. You're kinda rushing it a little. Draw it out, let the scene unfold before us. Here, it's all "here, have some dull comments on skyscrapers" and very little else. Is it sunny? Is it overcast? Are there other people around? Are they still staring?
You've got potential, don't get me wrong, but you've got a long way to go still. Good luck with your writing! Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
I found these last three chapters, if anything, an easy, light read.
I'm condensing all my total feedback here, because the same advice applies overall.
This work has potential. The premise of a space prince sent to earth is interesting from the get-go, but ceases to be when it's never addressed or brought up.
What do these characters look like? They are spoken about as if the readers know, but we do not. It would be simple to slip in a descriptive line or two. The best place to put that in would be in chapter one for Patrick and chapter two for Verlin.
I like that one of the main characters uses different pronouns, and how accepting Patrick is of this. Yay! ae/aers is an unusual choice of gender-neutral pronouns. It seems to be working fine so far, but it does raise eyebrows. It's understandable if the zir/zim/zirs, hir/hem/hirs, or them/theirs isn't right for the character and also if that's not something that this work is here to address, but it is odd, and the author should be aware of this. Verlin, too, is a strange name choice - especially when contrasted with the actual extraterrestrial, who is named Patrick. (Once again, not a flaw, just a comment.)
This piece, is, though, easy to read, and I truly do appreciate that. I see a romance on the horizon, and why not? A little representation is always a plus.
Overall, I see a potentially intriguing concept and an easy read that needs more work with characters and setting before it can be great.