I did not get to reply to all the reviews I received. Thank you guys. Instead I followed the advice as best as I could. I hope this was much better than before. Enjoy :)
**Story time**
“Gilbert- I really don’t think this alley is safe,” Krishna says, his eyes full of worry.
Gilbert--an albino, who looked like a reckless teenager instead of a full grown dude, twenty five year old man---smirked.
“Nah chill Krishna,” Gilbert answered, “You wanna sneak back into that concert right?”
“Dude there’s broken glass everywhere can’t we just go through the front?” Krishna asked, still unsure about what they were about to do.
“No reentry,” Gilbert reminded him, “And I’m not fighting those biker dudes again.”
“Again!”Krishna exclaimed,”Gilbert oh my -”
But then the grown men immediately stopped talking. There was a cry.Not a loud cry, like it was a drunk person regretting their life.No no. It was a faint cry that seemed to be like that of a small child.Krishna stepped over a broken glass bottle. Then pulled his phone out of his phone pocket.
“What in the name of disgusting puns is that?” Krishna whispers to Gilbert.
He went to turn on the flashlight app.Gilbert confiscated the phone as soon as he took it out.
“Gilbert what the heck man?” Krishna asks,trying to take his phone back.Gilbert stuck it in his black skinny jeans butt pocket.
“You dummy! You don’t know what’s back there! Could be some killer or something-” Gilbert hissed. The crying got louder.
“Dude that sounds like a kid-”Krishna says,”Dude…we might have to call the cops or somethin’..um...”
Krishna shook Gilbert’s arm.Gilbert pulled away.
“You want to go over and get killed go ahead-”Gilbert spat,”All I know is it’s freaking dark back there and I will leave you.”
“Then maybe I’ll find a new hot boyfriend!” Krishna barked.
The streetlight ahead was the only thing that could illuminate their faces. The rest of the alley was dark.
Gilbert didn’t move. He stared at Krishna.Krishna’s usually smiling face had a very scary scowl.Gilbert also noticed his boyfriend hasn’t shaved in a couple days,and that his messy black hair was really frizzy.
“I’m sorry,” Gilbert apologized first,looking down at the concrete glass-covered ground. Krishna was taken aback by this. Usually he apologized first.Krishna gave Gilbert a quick hug - he would have hugged him longer but it was hot and sticky out.
And cause the crying wouldn’t stop.Krishna looked at Gilbert. Gilbert looked back.
“Wanna check it out?” Gilbert asks,taking Krishna’s hand.Krishna squeezed Gilbert’s hand and nodded.
They searched high and low for the crying noise.Then behind the dumpster, which reeked by the way, there was a kid. The crying was coming from the child.
Gilbert pulled out his own phone and put on the flashlight.And there the child was.Huddled back in the corner. With a black eye.And messy gingery hair.His clothes --shorts and a tee shirt--had several holes and tears. There was multiple open wounds and bruises on him.
“Christ,” Gilbert muttered,looking at the beat up young boy, horrified.
Carefully, Krishna crouched down next to the kid.
“You okay?” Krishna asks. The kid looks at the men.Then puts his hands up in defense.
“We’re not gonna hurt you,” Krishna says,”Please answer my question. Are you okay?”
“Kun is gonna let me back in- he was just mad, You provoked him,” the ginger haired boy says to himself,”You should have left hours ago.”
Gilbert started tearing his worn out hoodie,that was tied around his waist.He also crouched down next to the kid.Since the ginger was so out of it; Gilbert grabbed the boy’s arms and began to make a makeshift bandage on his arm.Krishna on the other hand was trying to get the boy to snap out of it.
Finally the boy seen the two men. His glassy eyes had returned to normal.
“Who are you guys?” the boy asks.
“I’m Krishna and that’s Gilbert- we’re here to help,”Krishna smiles,”Are you okay?”
The boy looked at his arms- that had cloth tied around them.The ginger looked up at the two guys.
“My name is Chan,” the ginger says finally, taking a deep breath.
Then without any warning he hobbled over to Krishna and Gilbert and hugged them.Chan then collapsed.That’s when the ambulance was called.
**A year later**
“Dad!” Chan yelled, running down the hallway laughing,”I got the mixtape from Auntie!”
“Woah there kiddo, the kitchen floor is wet,”Krishna says,”Don’t want anymore bloodshed, cause of p-e-e-p-s”
Chan looked at his adopted father curious.All of a sudden there was a shout in the other room.
“Who brought these home!” Gilbert shouted , coming into the kitchen.Then he spotted Chan and Krishna giggling to themselves in the hallway.
“Vati careful!” Chan warns. But it was too late Gilbert slipped on the floor.
But he was okay. He was sliding around on the floor, as if he was a penguin.Gilbert was making aggressive noises.
Krishna rolled his eyes and led Chan away. Leaving Gilbert on his own.
“No guys come back!” Gilbert cried, “Guys please!”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,525 Literary Works • 673,325 Reviews
Hello there, I am here to check your lovely work now.
Let's go through this work one by one, and see if we can make this work point out even better.
First of all, I want to say what I actually like about this of yours, before I start complain and correct it. I like the main idea of the short story. It is really excited and mysterious till the end.
I love the way the two characters are so different from each other, it creates a very good start and an interesting conversation between them both. Overall, what I like is the story and the emotions, put into this work. And of course, the happy end. But now I want to correct some parts of this story. Also, I hope you continue this story a bit more.
Now, is the editing part of this review.
I hope this helps you improve, and work on this story even more.
I will go through the story, one part by one part, and correct it.
This correction is only something I would do personally, so it is not 100% needed for this part. Only optional.
I would correct it to ' Gilbert, an albino, who looked like a reckless teenager instead of full grown dude, twenty five years old man, smirked.'
The thing you really need to change here is 'year old' to 'years old'.
I think you need comma after the 'Nah' and one more after 'concert'.
The first comma is optional but the second is needed.
Just to be 100% sure in the corrections here, I read it out loud several times.
You need comma after 'Dude' and one more after 'everywhere'. These are the places we normally make a pause on.
There is one space needed, after the comma. Maybe you had forgotten it, but I still mention it.
I think this is the climax part of this story, which made me the most excited and curious about the outcome, but it needs one or two edits. First of all, you had totally forgotten to hit the space button after each fullstop, though, you have them after the commas, which is kinda weird for me. Only the last sentence is all okay and has a space before it is started.
The same thing here.
Here, I think, you need a comma after his name ( Gilbert ) and space after the comma, which is after 'asks' and space before you start the sentecne 'Gilbert stuck it...'
A comma after 'Dude' and also, I think you may need a space after the comma, because the symbols just get all messed up here ' ....says," ' so seperate the comma and the start of the speech with a space.
I will be mentioning the parts in which you need space after the fullstop, so you find and correct them easier.
The same thing, like in the sentence I just mentioned. A space between the comma and the start of the speech so it looks better.
Seperate the sentences by spaces.
Well, I think it gets annoying to talk about the same mistake so I will not mention it anymore.
Space after the comma. Good job, you made me interested in this story.
Maybe this way is right, too, but I think 'because' is better than 'cause'.
Well, this is optional.
This whole part has the same mistake. But still, I love the way you describe the kiddo.
I do not know if I understood right, but I think it needs to be 'saw/had seen' instead of 'seen'.
I love the ending. It is really sweet and beautiful, that in the end the lonely child becomes their kid and they live together, as a family. The end is really funny, also. I hope this review helps you. There were mistakes, similar to the ones I mentioned, in the last part after 'Year later' , but I do not think you need them mentioned, after all the corrections I made. You can find them yourself, when you are correcting this work. Keep on writing.
I thought it was really interesting how you kind of eased Gilbert and Krishna's relationship out into the story instead of saying "I'm gay, he's gay, we are gay together" you just kind of subtly dropped it into what was going on.
I do have to say that in some places you were a little repetitive, like when they had first found Chan. "...there was a kid. The crying was coming from the child." You had already pointed out that he was a kid and it is already heavily implied that he is the one crying so the second sentence isn't necessary.
n't want
I like how you created a family for these three characters and how everything kind of ended up okay in the end. The two guys are still together and the kid is in a better situation than he was before, but to be honest I was a little confused when you started talking about bloodshed and peeps. The kitchen floor was wet, I get that, but what do peeps have to do with it and why is he spelling it out?
Over all it was a good piece, but it could use some slight edits.
Good job!
I thought it was really interesting how you kind of eased Gilbert and Krishna's relationship out into the story instead of saying "I'm gay, he's gay, we are gay together" you just kind of subtly dropped it into what was going on.
I do have to say that in some places you were a little repetitive, like when they had first found Chan. "...there was a kid. The crying was coming from the child." You had already pointed out that he was a kid and it is already heavily implied that he is the one crying so the second sentence isn't necessary.
n't want
I like how you created a family for these three characters and how everything kind of ended up okay in the end. The two guys are still together and the kid is in a better situation than he was before, but to be honest I was a little confused when you started talking about bloodshed and peeps. The kitchen floor was wet, I get that, but what do peeps have to do with it and why is he spelling it out?
Over all it was a good piece, but it could use some slight edits.
Good job!
Just dropping a quick review.
I adored this story not only for the detailed descriptions of everything, but for the emotions expressed in the piece. Like the anger, sadness, and of course the curiosity. I am surprised that you did not see through the saying of "Curiosity is what killed the cat." That is just marvelous. Though there is one thing you should work on, you should add a little more sentences into those one line sentences. It will make everything a hundred times better if you did. And instead of using the roleplay style in order to introduce the characters and time lapse. Add such things to the beginning of a new paragraph like this...
"Seventeen years later, I still remained the same. Nothing changed besides my age and maturity."
Something like that will do perfectly. Do you get the point? And one more thing, you are adding commas where some do not belong. Like here. "Woah there kiddo, the kitchen floor is wet," Fix those errors and you are all set.
Again, you did a spectacular job writing this piece. I enjoyed reading it. I hope to see more of you from the future to come. Have a good one, writer!