Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
((I wrote this like in February but I bet you guys would like it.This is one of my better works :) ))
With an ear-piercing screech, a siren went off. Its sound echoed throughout neighborhoods, cities, and even throughout the most isolated of towns. But it was not a police siren.
Somewhere in the suburbs in a medium sized plain old house;A black-haired, tan skinned, boy was sitting in his house watching the well known show “Psych”. The boy-Jose- was comfortable on the old red sofa in his small living room.
A woman’s voice came on, with static in the background.
“Attention everyone,” She says, a clip of someone robbing a convenience store played while she spoke. Another clip played of someone getting beat up by a bunch of people.
“Attention.For the next twelve hours,all crime is legal,” she says, “I repeat. All. Crime. Is. Legal. For. The . Next. Twelve. Hours.”
The television switched back to “Psych”. Jose grinned.But not because of his favorite show.
He stood up and switched off the television.He creeped into his parents room. They were both asleep, with booby traps hidden throughout the room.Jose whispered a goodnight to his parents.
“I love you, mom and dad,” he whispered as he stepped away from their room.Next he went into the kitchen and and grabbed the gun that was hidden in the wine cabinet.
He went to the front door and slipped on his shoes.
The Purge was beginning, and Jose was eager to join the spree. His feeling of excitement grew and intensified with every step away from his home. It was quiet outside, strangely. However, Jose knew that silence would end very soon.
Jose stepped out of the front door. Someone threw something into the window next door, shattering it. Glass shards were all over the place.
“They could’ve invited me, to help out ”Jose muttered, “D*mn, how could they start already?The announcement was like five minutes ago.Hot d*mn. But I’m impressed.”
A gun shot was heard in the distance. Screams followed, but Jose ignored it. It was the Purge, after all. He shrugged and stepped off his porch. People were running in various directions.
There was a scream from a house up the road.Jose nearly stopped breathing.That was where his boyfriend lived.Putting the gun in his pocket (with the safety switch on of course) he ran to the screaming.
Jose came to the other boy’s house. Windows were busted and there was still screaming. The flowers surrounding the house had been trampled.
Jose crept up to the porch.Screams could still be heard.Jose took a deep breath and tried to open the door. However the door was locked. Jose muttered many curses underneath his breath. Then he stepped to the right and went into the big hole into the busted window.
Carefully he stepped into the dark house. And there he heard Joshua-his boyfriend- scream yet again.
“Oh h*ll no,” Jose says, not even caring who hears him.
“Don’t burn me!” a boy screamed. Several other voices laughed.Jose ran towards the screaming.
He kicked down the door.Several older men were holding a pale medium-built boy. Another man had candle, that was close to the pale boy. Several of the men looked up.
“Jo-Jose run,” Joshua whispers, the man with the candle threatened the boy again-this time to shut up.
“Joshua.It’s the purge. But it doesn’t mean I can see my boyfriend get hurt,”Jose says,”Now it’s time to teach some people a lesson.”
Jose grabbed the baseball bat on the ground. Before the first guy could react-Jose swung the bat and bashed the man’s skull.
Then he bashed another guy’s.The leader dropped the candle. Jose seen this and grabbed Joshua’s hand. And he pulled Joshua up.
They both ran out of the house that was now practically engulfed into the hell-ish flames.
“Thanks,” Joshua whispers.
“For what?” Jose asks.
“Just there,” Joshua says.Jose smiles his face lit up by the flames of the house.Joshua leaned over and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek.
“Let’s go,” Jose says, his cheeks were warm, “We need to go kill some really bad people.”
Joshua nods. They took a deep breath.And ran into the pitch black night, to join the others of their kind.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello, kylerjpg here to review!
So first off I'm going to be nitpicky!
"Somewhere in the suburbs in a medium sized plain old house;A black-haired, tan skinned, boy was sitting in his house watching the well known show “Psych”. The boy-Jose- was comfortable on the old red sofa in his small living room."
A semicolon shouldn't be used between 'house' and 'a', and 'a' shouldn't be capitalized! Also you don't need another comma after 'skinned'. I think that entire sentence is way too wordy. Maybe you could break it up and still get your idea across but in a more readable way.
Also I may be wrong but I think between 'old' and 'red' you could use a comma.
"“Attention everyone,” She says, a clip of someone robbing a convenience store played while she spoke. Another clip played of someone getting beat up by a bunch of people."
When you used the word 'says' you changed the tense of the story from past to present! Also, 'She' shouldn't be capitalized. You should also get rid of the comma after 'says' and just make the next part be its own sentence; it's a completely different idea. Also maybe be more descriptive in the clips? Also I wouldn't use vague/overused phrases like 'a bunch of people'.
When she spoke you changed tenses again by using 'says' instead of 'said'. Also you may not want to use 'says' both times; use some synonyms or descriptive verbs for variety.
You should put a comma between 'Jose grinned' and 'But' and combine those two sentences. You shouldn't start too many sentences with a conjunction like but; it makes the writing seem choppy.
The past tense form of 'creep' is 'crept', not 'creeped'.
You don't need a comma between 'asleep' and 'with' at the booby trap part.
I don't think you should use 'grew' and 'intensified' in the same sentence like that; you're just getting the same point across and it becomes redundant. I'd choose one or the other, but not both.
There's a lot more simple grammar to be fixed, but it's 2 a.m. and I'm not going to delve into it. I think the story line is fairly good, and that with some quick and simple fixes and slight revision, it could vastly improve the readability and quality of your story! Keep writing!
Hi! *waves*
But just so you know, you can curse in works and not censor yourself. Works are the only free-cursing zone so curse away! Just remember that the f-bomb and other big-big curses need an 18+ as well as a L for Language, but anything else is alright. You don't have to censor yourself here. 
If you remind me tomorrow, I'll review this when I'm on a computer and not on my phone.
I'll hopefully be back tomorrow!
Don't start a sentence with 'but'; Connect it to the last one, or just don't use it at all. If you need to remember this rule, recall that your butt is in the middle of your body, not the front. (I'm so sorry, this is how my writing teacher put it ;u;) In fact, there are several times where you use 'and' or 'but' to start a new sentence, which should not happen.
The semicolon should just be a comma in this line.
A tiny nitpick is the constant use of the word 'scream', in different forms. It's okay at first, but after a while of repeating, it gets overused. Why not 'shouts'? Or 'cries'? Add some variety.
Also, when Jose goes to rescue Joshua, why does he pick up the baseball bat? Didn't he have a gun? At the very least, you should put a reason for that, like "He didn't think" or something.
This... isn't realistic at all. Unless the leader was holding one huge candle, or unless the house was nothing but strands of brittle wood, I don't see how one candle can cause such a fire so fast. The connection between the dropped candle and burning house is also left up to the readers to make, making it confusing if not unlikely.
Throughout the story, I noticed that some sentences were missing commas, and the constant alternation between space/no space after punctuation. Also, there's tense-shifting, especially near the end. Keep it all in past, or all in present, not both. Next time, proof-read your work. It's boring and time-consuming, I know, but you can also get a friend to do it.
Just wondering, isn't this considered a fanfiction? Since it's from The Purge (movie)...? It would be labelled as 'fanfiction' for one of the genres, in that case.