Hello there.
A correction: this is not a blurb--it is an excerpt. A blurb is the short summary/hook written for promotional purposes on the back of a book. Seeing as this is a portion of the actual work, this would be called an excerpt.
That aside, I don't exactly know how to critique this because the excerpt appears to be taken from the middle of a chapter--I don't really have much to go by, and I was mostly confused for the first half of the piece. Some context would be nice. Seeing as I really do not know what the premise is--what I've gathered, so far, is that these two characters, Kailyn and Cassidy (who is Kailyn's mother? And some sort of royalty?), are in the middle of a clash that has led to war//has had a negative effect on their previously good relationship. So as far as plot is concerned, I really do not feel as though I have the right to comment.
Reviewing this as a piece on its own, then--things that I do feel free to critique are character development, pacing, and transitions + flow between paragraphs and recurring scenes/narration. I'll try to go through them systematically, but apologies if I ramble! I'm a bit rusty on this reviewing shindig.
On character development--I was glad to see that there was some introspection/internal dialogue on Cassidy's part, but it was quite sparse and lacked emotion. I could not empathise with the character; because I could not connect to her situation, the lack of empathy slowly mellowed into disinterest. The writer mentions Cassidy being 'amused' by her daughter, Macy being 'slightly humiliated'--these are all physical reactions to their environment/to other characters' actions, but they lack emotion. How are the characters feeling at this particular moment in time? How do they interpret the ongoing situation; are they tense? are they worried? What are they thinking?
In a similar vein, I think I'll mention point-of-view here, since it's so closely linked to the presentation of characters/their thoughts: this reads as third person limited, but it's hard to label it as such, because the focus shifts abruptly from Cassidy to Macy nearing the end. In that case, if this this meant to be third person omniscient, then the shift is pretty clunky. Stick to one point of view. If the writer is intent on keeping this as third person limited, they have freedom to expand on Cassidy's thoughts and also narrate events from her perspective as opposed to the detached narrator thing that they've got going here. All the characters look pretty interesting--Cassidy seems quite sassy--but as of yet, they read to me like flatboard. This may be because I don't have much context to go on, as I mentioned before, but I'd still suggest looking into it!
The amazing thing about writing is that pretty much everything is linked--characters are cogs, plot is the framework, dialogue is that tetchy spring, and description is the grease that thickly layers it all. There's more, but I'll stick to my point for now: as soon as the introspection/spreading out thoughts, etc. receive work, the pacing will also smooth itself out. The piece reads as pretty dialogue-heavy at the moment, but that isn't so much of an issue once you spread things out and start filling in the gaps. Also, it helps for scenes to have more weight to them if sensory description is utilised to get a better feel of the setting; it's important to go slow and not to rush over things. Remember: novels are not vines; they are not fleeting. Part of the reading experience is to enjoy the prose, and for that it's vital that you slow down a tad!
Nitpick: There's a formatting error--as a general rule, we leave spaces after every period.
I'd really like to read this as a whole rather than as an excerpt--I'm sure there are a lot of criticisms here that don't apply to the rest of the scene this particular excerpt is drawn from, so feel free to disregard them~ It would be easier to review if this was posted in chronological order; if you ever add to this, ping me and I'll check it out! From what I've read so far, the story comes off as vaguely interesting, but without something more solid to chew on, that's about as much as I can say.
Keep writing! Keep up the good work!
Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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