z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Just a Blurb of a Story I am writing

by ashtheawesome12401


Waiting. Waiting.She was pacing back and forth.Her soldiers were prepared, and she was ready.

She glanced at the portrait of her and Kailyn in the old days, when Kailyn did not decide to play this silly game.

“Oh darling, if you wanted more fun,” she murmured, “You could have just asked.”

Her footsteps echoed on the stone floor. Her fancy gown,sweeped in time to her movement. However, time was moving slow and practically not moving. Too slow.She itched with anticipation.

“That prophet said today,” she grumbled, glancing out the window. It was all calm.

She sat down, “Maybe they changed their minds. Good.”

Cassidy sat there, twirling a lock of hair. Out of nowhere there was a battle cry from one of the guards outside the door. And some heavy footsteps.

“They are here,” she mused, grinning in amusement, “So little Kailyn does want to continue her silly little game?”

“The rebels were bad before, but this has to be a joke now,” she laughed, “My daughter probably does not even know how to wield a sword.”

She grinned, amused in the thoughts in her head. Cassidy went over to her vanity and grabbed her nail file. She sat down on the dainty vanity chair and began filing her nails. She mumbled about how Kailyn might be spared, and her little friends will be ordered to the death punishment.And that Kailyn shall go and watch.

“Who would go first?” she muttered.

“Maybe that red haired gremlin, who stole my daughter’s innocence. Or shall she be last?Bittersweet, hmm,” she asked her nail file. She continued filing her nails.

Suddenly there was a pounding at the grand doors.Hastily, Cassidy threw down her nail file.

As a soldier was about to speak,Cassidy spun around.

“Look out!” she warned, and before the soldier could dodge,someone put a rag to his mouth, and waited for him to pass out.Then the person threw him to the side. It was a purple cloaked figure. They were a bit shorter than Cassidy, and a bit thinner as well.

“Howdy,” Cassidy joked, not caring about the obvious threat in front of her. The figure said nothing, but they approached her.Slowly and gracefully, as if they were a member of Cassidy’s court.

Cassidy stood up, and shrugged. She adjusted the neat bun at the top of her head.

“Well what do you want?” Cassidy asks, slightly impatient, “Are you a part of the rebels?”

The figure nodded their head, still not revealing their voice.

“Damn rebels!” Cassidy cursed, “Well are you going to take me to your leader or not?”

The figure still said nothing, but continued getting closer to Cassidy, who was slowly backing away.

“Who sent you? Kailyn?” Cassidy asked, “She couldn’t come see Mother Dearest herself?”

The cloaked figure stopped moving. Which slightly surprised Cassidy.

“There we go,” she grinned, “Finally getting some answers huh?”

The figure shook their head, and continued approaching her.Soon enough, Cassidy was backed up against a wall. She picked up a wire hanger off the dresser. She shook it threateningly to the figure. Cassidy waved it around, to try to make it look more menacingly than what it did.

“Don’t you dare hurt me.I’m a gem!” Cassidy warned, “Last human royalty amongst these guardians.”

She waved the hanger again and sneered, “Guardians. How pathetic.”

"Answer me!" she growled, her face beginning to get hot with anger.Tears began to prick her eyes.

"Are you going to speak or not?" she cried, her words beginning to sound incoherant.Again, the cloaked person did not speak.Instead, now they stood about two arms length away from the devastated queen.She shook with rage, and might actually be terrified.

Suddenly, two people ran into the room.A blonde girl with her hair pinned up. And a tall short haired red head by her side.

The figure turned slowly. Cassidy raised her head.

"Mother," the blonde spoke, wielding a tomahawk, "Hello."

Cassidy laughed, covering her face with her hand. She looked at Kailyn,her daughter, with a phony grin on her face.Kailyn raised her eyebrows, slightly confused. The redhead, Macy, stood in a prepared battle stance.

Kailyn glanced at the figure, and smiled politely. The figure approached them. Macy stepped foraward, not knowing who this figure was.

"Show yourself," Macy ordered, as Kailyn kept a steady eye on her mother. Cassidy sat down on her bed.

"Not even knowing your own little team huh?" Cassidy commented, smirking impolitely.

Kailyn growled, "You're one to talk. You didn't even know the name of your own personal guardian."

Cassidy rolled her eyes, "Oh here we go, with the guardian talk. Kailyn, sweetheart, guardians are inferior to humans."

Kailyn went over to her mother, she looked her in the eye.

"You're aging again mother-dearest," Kailyn snarled, her eyes following the patterns of the wrinkled skin on Cassidy's face and hands.

"Father however, he only aged when he went to the silent sisters," Kailyn whispered, "Speaking of which, where is he?"

Cassidy sighed then laughed, "He was out in the woods remember? He never came home."

Kailyn raised her tomahawk, ready to use it, "You lied again! I ought to-"

"Kailyn!" Macy yelled, "Not now."

Kailyn sighed, and thenlowered her weapon. Cassidy sneered, she was quite entertained.

"You have your servant tell you what to do?" Cassidy bemused, "Don't think I forgot what rank you are, Aamot. You will never be a real guardian, even if your markings say otherwise."

"Shut your mouth!" Kailyn yelled. The cloaked figure still not revealing themself, was taken aback by Kailyn's sudden rage. Macy looked down at the ground, slightly humilated.

"You have disresepected me and my people for the last time. And the only way to redeem yourself, mother, is to come with us now," Kailyn growled, "Now get up."

Cassidy, amused at her daughter's growing anger, stood up. Kailyn pulled out a ribbon, and tied her mother's arms back, binding them by the wrist.

"Let's go," she growled, then looked at Macy warmly. Macy smiled back.


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Wed Nov 16, 2016 12:18 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Hello there.

A correction: this is not a blurb--it is an excerpt. A blurb is the short summary/hook written for promotional purposes on the back of a book. Seeing as this is a portion of the actual work, this would be called an excerpt.

That aside, I don't exactly know how to critique this because the excerpt appears to be taken from the middle of a chapter--I don't really have much to go by, and I was mostly confused for the first half of the piece. Some context would be nice. Seeing as I really do not know what the premise is--what I've gathered, so far, is that these two characters, Kailyn and Cassidy (who is Kailyn's mother? And some sort of royalty?), are in the middle of a clash that has led to war//has had a negative effect on their previously good relationship. So as far as plot is concerned, I really do not feel as though I have the right to comment.

Reviewing this as a piece on its own, then--things that I do feel free to critique are character development, pacing, and transitions + flow between paragraphs and recurring scenes/narration. I'll try to go through them systematically, but apologies if I ramble! I'm a bit rusty on this reviewing shindig.

On character development--I was glad to see that there was some introspection/internal dialogue on Cassidy's part, but it was quite sparse and lacked emotion. I could not empathise with the character; because I could not connect to her situation, the lack of empathy slowly mellowed into disinterest. The writer mentions Cassidy being 'amused' by her daughter, Macy being 'slightly humiliated'--these are all physical reactions to their environment/to other characters' actions, but they lack emotion. How are the characters feeling at this particular moment in time? How do they interpret the ongoing situation; are they tense? are they worried? What are they thinking?

In a similar vein, I think I'll mention point-of-view here, since it's so closely linked to the presentation of characters/their thoughts: this reads as third person limited, but it's hard to label it as such, because the focus shifts abruptly from Cassidy to Macy nearing the end. In that case, if this this meant to be third person omniscient, then the shift is pretty clunky. Stick to one point of view. If the writer is intent on keeping this as third person limited, they have freedom to expand on Cassidy's thoughts and also narrate events from her perspective as opposed to the detached narrator thing that they've got going here. All the characters look pretty interesting--Cassidy seems quite sassy--but as of yet, they read to me like flatboard. This may be because I don't have much context to go on, as I mentioned before, but I'd still suggest looking into it!

The amazing thing about writing is that pretty much everything is linked--characters are cogs, plot is the framework, dialogue is that tetchy spring, and description is the grease that thickly layers it all. There's more, but I'll stick to my point for now: as soon as the introspection/spreading out thoughts, etc. receive work, the pacing will also smooth itself out. The piece reads as pretty dialogue-heavy at the moment, but that isn't so much of an issue once you spread things out and start filling in the gaps. Also, it helps for scenes to have more weight to them if sensory description is utilised to get a better feel of the setting; it's important to go slow and not to rush over things. Remember: novels are not vines; they are not fleeting. Part of the reading experience is to enjoy the prose, and for that it's vital that you slow down a tad!

Nitpick: There's a formatting error--as a general rule, we leave spaces after every period.

I'd really like to read this as a whole rather than as an excerpt--I'm sure there are a lot of criticisms here that don't apply to the rest of the scene this particular excerpt is drawn from, so feel free to disregard them~ It would be easier to review if this was posted in chronological order; if you ever add to this, ping me and I'll check it out! From what I've read so far, the story comes off as vaguely interesting, but without something more solid to chew on, that's about as much as I can say.

Keep writing! Keep up the good work!

Hope this helped.

~Pomp c:




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Mon Nov 14, 2016 5:18 pm
KiraThePotatoChip wrote a review...



I do like the base that's here. One thing I noticed is that it's a bit hard to follow. I like the basis you actually have, and you lay out some key facts, such as the Last Human Royalty, the Rebellion, and the Guardians. I feel if you develop this more by adding some backstory and detail, this will be a great story!




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Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:19 pm
Mathy wrote a review...



This seems like i could be a good story. I never really gave it much thought while reading, but I realized afterward that this story actually seems a lot more like a story that would be in a movie/cartoon, rather than a book. Even so, I d like your style and I can't wait to illegally downlo- I mean buy this when it comes out! XD






Hahahah omg that was the best thing I read today.When it comes out I'll be sure to make sure you "legally" purchase it XD




If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber