(( I wrote this little blurb in 10 minutes so yeah enjoy. I might continue. I dunno))
The brunette wrapped his grey-wool scarf around his neck.He adjusted his black beanie, and rolled his burnt-orange sweaters sleeves back down. The young Italian man picked up his sketchbook off the table.
The sketchbook was spiral bound.There was some slight wear and tear to it.The cover was slightly bent up. The tiny-but-not-tiny boy nearly stepped out of the classroom.
The other students had already left the class for the day. His art teacher- an older shorter lady with curly hair, was picking up her various art supplies.
“Great work today,”she said, causing the boy to look up.
Feliciano blushed,something got caught in his throat and so he nodded a thank you.Hot tears were welling up in his eyes.
“Please teach the class to work as hard as you do,” she says, Feliciano nods again.
“See you tomorrow dear,” shye smiles, he waves a goodbye and immedietly rushes out of the classroom.
He looked up again, and his heart nearly stopped beating.
Three boys were walking together and laughing.Feliciano paid no mind to the other boys (a brunette and a blonde).No no. Feliciano stared at the albino in the center of the trio.The albino was a total punk. He wore a red checkered ascot and some random German band t shirt.The white haired albino had an obnoxious laugh.
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140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
Hello there! King here for a short review.
Others before me had told you what they think, and their thoughts about this are kinda similar, to be honest. So what I like in this work?
For such a short time you had created a very good story. I think you need to continue it. It is still mysterious and a lot can happen. I like the main character in this work!
So now, to the negatives?
For 10 minutes this is very good, but the mistakes we all do when we write for several minutes, are on point in this work.At the start, the spaces after the fullstops were not there, even if you had put spaces here and there, and again had forgotten to put them. Maybe it is because you were writing is fast, which is understandable, but now you can correct it right.
Several errors I caught on the way:
1."See you tomorrow dear,” shye smiles
It needs to be 'she', not 'shye'.
2.
He wore a red checkered ascot and some random German band t shirt.
It needs to be 't-shirt', not 't shirt'.
3.Feliciano blushed,something got caught in his throat and so he nodded a thank you.
I think 'nodded a thank you' is not right. Maybe:
Nodded to say thank you.
Or
Nodded, saying thank you.
Or something else.
4. The tiny-but-not-tiny boy nearly stepped out of the classroom.
The 'tiny-but-not-tiny' part is off. I understand what you meant, though , so I will suggest 'tiny,but not so tiny' instead.
I think this is all with my complains, as I said, I really love you start. It is kinda basic and poor plot for now, but you can always make it fuller as you continue.
Pretty good for writing in 10 minutes!
For some of the sentences, there need to be spaces between the periods and the next word. Try to be careful with that.
Also the sentence "Feliciano blushed,something got caught in his throat and so he nodded a thank you." is sort of a run-on. I recommend separating "Feliciano blushed" from the rest of the sentence to make 2 sentences instead.
Second, after "See you tomorrow dear," you accidentally put "shye" instead of "she."
Continue this!
I like it!
But what do I not like? After all, this is a review, and if all I did was praise you it would be no help at all.
So. In the first paragraph, you refer to the same person by both brunette and young Italian man. At first, I though this was two different people, and I got confused.
What do you mean by tiny-but-not-tiny? Maybe there's more to this, but to me it's a bit confusing.
In the third paragraph, after "His art teacher", you have a hyphen. This should be a dash "–". On Apple computers you can do this by pressing the hyphen key while holding down the option button. Also, you might want to change it from:
"His art teacher- an older shorter lady with curly hair, was picking up her various art supplies."
to
"His art teacher– an older shorter lady with curly hair– was picking up her various art supplies."
If you start a clause with a dash, you should end it with one too. Then again, maybe that's just me. I don't know.
When Feliciano starts crying, you don't really say why. Normally when people get told they did a good job, they don't normally start to cry. Is there some backstory here?
Finally, there are some scattered grammar errors here and there. You switched tenses around where he leaves the classroom.
Sorry if that whole thing sounded a bit harsh. Overall, this is good, and you should definitely continue. And you say you wrote this in 10 minutes? Wow.
Hey, ash! Pompadour here for a quick review~
So, wow, you wrote this in ten minutes? That's some fast writing, and it's always good to write down spur of the moment ideas because they can have great potential in the future. That being said, sometimes hastiness isn't the best way to take things--and while I admire your spirit in putting this up for criticism despite it obviously being a first draft--scanning through your writing once for grammatical or syntactical errors is always a good idea.
Because this is so short and is obviously incomplete, I'll leave you with a couple of grammar-related tips and general ideas. I do hope you consider this idea worthwhile enough to develop someday, because right now it's like a pair of cloven hooves without a horse, and you definitely require a horse to keep your story moving forward, ay? Right now, it looks more like a snippet of character interaction then anything else, with a slight fleshing out of the characters. This is a good thing, that you know your characters! Now you just have to give them something to do.... XD
~ 'Brunette' should be 'brunet' as your main character is male.
~ I've noticed that you don't leave spaces after the period sometimes, when you start a new sentence. It's a careless mistake, but one you can easily sort out when you edit. c:
~ You've used a hyphen (-) here where there should be a dash (—).
~ Leave a space after the comma. Also, what you have here is a comma splice. It's an easy fix: you can replace the comma with either a semi-colon, a period, or a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so, etc.).
Feliciano's reactions struck me as ... odd. I mean, I find it funny how he got so emotional over a compliment that was delivered in such a business-like manner, because the teacher's emotions weren't conveyed to us properly. Maybe it would make sense if we had more background, but things are pretty sparse here, and maybe if the teacher had looked at Feliciano kindly or with approval, we would have understood his feelings better. Right now, it's like you have some gaps in the piece, so I'd suggest elaborating and working between the chunks so the narration flows better.
Your tenses aren't consistent. In the middle, you revert to present tense, e.g.:
This stands out because the rest of the piece is in past tense. You might want to correct this. ^^
Anyway, the piece was quite vague and could use some work, but for a ten minute scribble, I'm glad to see you have an inkling of an idea! Let me know if you re-write and expand this and I'll gladly look over it for you~
Keep writing! Keep it up!
PM me if you need have any questions~
~Pomp
Hi there!
I love reading works-in progress or possible to-be-continued works because there's so much potential. I was captivated by your description of Feliciano's actions. They definitely accomplished describing him as a shy individual and I want to know more about him. That's it! you have me hooked! *throws papers into air and pounds on table* Alright, now for a bit of advice here and there.
I understand you wrote this in a very short amount of time, but be sure to re-read it to yourself a couple of times, even out loud if needed. I caught a couple grammar mistakes here and there, but they did not hinder a fairly smooth read. However, I would like to take a look at the first paragrap in particular.
I had to read this a couple times and beyond before I fully understood the scene. I understand that you were introducing the scene using general characteristics that "zoom in" on the main character, however I was a little lost. The general terms you used such as, "the brunette" and "the young Italian man," confused me. The introduction of the descriptors made it seem there were two separate characters you were describing. When you use general terms, try to order them so it creates a clear picture for the reader.
The final touch of advice I have for you is going to sound super cliche and like I'm some old English teacher. (I swear every English teacher pounds this into students' heads.) Let's take a look at the last couple sentences of the final paragraph:
While I have a fairly clear idea of the albino's appearance, you are telling me what he looks like, not showing. As English teachers always say: "Show not tell." What I mean by that is, don't say that he's a "total punk," but describe that random German band t-shirt and quirky checkered ascot. Instead of saying he has an obnoxious laugh, describe how he snorts in between-high pitched squeaks.
Other than that, what a great start! I enjoyed your characterization of Feliciano. It's been a while since I've read a story with the main character of a different ethnicity and I find that interesting. It causes me to wonder about his background and how he reached where he is. I'm looking forward for whatever you have in store!
Keep writing,
-Jade