"Go to earth!" Patrick's mother barked. Patrick squeaked and was blasted out to Earth. (He screamed and cried).(A lot).(For both).
The next morning, birds were singing. And human life was carrying on.Patrick woke up in a bed, and the room had a huge window. Patrick rolled over and grabbed their glasses.They groaned.
"Ugh what happened," he says, putting on his glasses. Patrick then looked down at their arms, covered in a spacey paint makeup, or it could be a tattoo, who knows. This rare species is somehow able to convert their space like symbols to suit the lifestyle of Earth.
"Oh.oh yeah," Patrick says, frowning,"ugh." He sat up; noticing he actually had a pounding headache.
He rolled over groaning. And complaining about his sucky life.
Then he reached over and grabbed his phone. A basic, cute little red and black Pantech cell phone. Next to it was a nice iPod, but, there was no back camera. Patrick reached over and grabbed them and turned them on. No notifications on the iPod. But a missed call from his Dad.
Patrick cursed under his breath. He usually never missed those phone calls.Because his father is a complete worry-wart. Worse than his mom. Like his dad will cry. His mother, on the other hand, she just gets angry. (And she is scary when she is angry. Somehow Patrick and his sister are able to handle it).
Patrick finally climbed out of bed. He dropped the electronics. He muttered the F-word underneath his breath. He muttered it again.
Finally, he wandered around the strange room. Then decided to finally call his father back. They talked for a while. Mostly about music and the weather. And how Patrick felt about being blasted onto Earth in such short notice. His father apologized, chuckling about his wife’s rather erratic behavior when it came to raising their children. Patrick really didn’t mind, because he wanted to actually have a vacation away from his mom. And his sister.And his dad. And basically the entire space kingdom. Patrick personally needed to be “Down to Earth” for a bit. (His mother overheard that pun and now she is making him stay on Earth even longer).
“Now Patrick, I want you to do me a favor,” his dad said. Patrick perked up.
Patrick answered, “Yes dad?”
“Don’t lay in bed all day. Go.Have.Fun!” his dad says, laughing a bit, “You’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
After a while, they hung up, and Patrick went over to the wardrobe and pulled out some clothes. He groaned slightly as he pulled them on.Grabbing his basic necessities, he walked out the door. The door clicked behind him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I feel that you've created a good atmosphere in you style of writing that makes the read want to continue to the next chapter, as I have been pulled. The issues are that many times you've implied Patrick has a dual personality, such as :
[Patrick rolled over and grabbed THEIR glasses.THEY groaned.]
[Patrick then looked down at THEIR arms,]
If he does have a dual personality that you're implying to the reader, you need to continue with a plural throughout the story. Also try to get rid of the parenthesis, just put them into the flow of your story.
EX: Patrick screamed and cried as he was blasted to earth.
Hello, here to give you a review.
I like the main idea and plot of this work, seriously. Space and sci-fi, in general. Everything is okay and the flow is going on pretty smoothly, but it still needs some editing,so it looks and sounds even better.
Now, into the editing zone.
For this starting line, I would say you are beginning well, but Earth is still a planet with a specific name, so it needs to be 'Earth' with capital letter. You had written it right in the next sentence, which is strange.
You need a space after the fullstop of the second sentence. Also, if we talk about 'Patrick' which is a male name, we can not say 'their glasses' and 'They groaned', it needs to be 'his glasses' and 'He groaned'.
I like thid part. Though you could be more detailed here.
I think you need to put comma, not a fullstop, after the first 'oh'. And ',frowning,' this part you need space after each comma.
The last sentence is the problem here. You cannot say 'and complaining' like this. You can only say 'while complaining' if oyu want it in Present Continues tense.
A space before the start of the last sentence.
You need space before starting the last sentence. And one can be the one who hung up thr phone and ends the call, so it can not be 'they'.
This is overall, I hope you still think of continuing this story. It needs a work on it, but still a good start and an interesting plot.
Hello! ashleymreid here giving a review. and i found it to be a good read mainly because is was a short excerpt,making it easier to critique the story.
i do wish there were characteristics of your MC, as well as the backstory.
Example: What are Patrick's flaws? is going "down to earth" a place for recreation now? or is that where he lives? (maybe i missed that part). I couldn't picture Patrick as a character other the his glasses as part of his features. is he tall, short, chubby, nerdy, intellectual.
Patrick sounds frustrated, over the little things.why?
i would like to know what makes his dad such a worrier did they lose Patrick at one time? Can something happen to Patrick at anytime like death or kidnapping? and why is his mother less worried?
Overall i enjoyed the read makes me want to know a little more about the character and the backstory. character building is what i would encourage. i want to be able to either relate or have something in common with the MC.
Hey there! Rain here for a review. Before I begin, I just want to say I love your avatar! :p
It was a pretty engaging read. Although short, the events that took place totally made up for the length (length doesn't really matter - as long as you get your point across, everything's okay. You did this!).
This is a very interesting start to your story!
Grammar, for the most part, was very nice - it was readable and I definitely didn't trip over many sentences! There were a few inconsistencies (like not putting a space after a period when you start a new sentence), but otherwise it was pretty a-okay.
However, I wish there was a bit more backstory. Do they live on a different planet, and when they're in trouble they're "blasted to Earth"? That seems so cool - but a bit more description and background through out this would be amazing. You don't want to info-dump and give a whole lot of background. Just enough that readers understand what's going on.
Have you ever heard of the saying "show, don't tell"? Although it can be really hard to apply to writing, it definitely brings it up a notch when it comes to imagery. For example, you can totally transform this sentence:
into something with more description regarding ALL five senses (this tip really helps!). It could turn into something as simple as:
His electronics clattered to the dark wood floors with a thump .
This gives a sentence more depth - it shows us that, hey, the floors are dark wood, and that, hey, his electronics fell. Sneaky little things like that go a long way!
I loved this so far, though! The concept is certainly very interesting and I wonder how it will progress in the future. Keep writing! Wonderful work ^_^
~ EternalRain
Hello! ashleymreid here giving a review. and i found it to be a good read mainly because is was a short excerpt,making it easier to critique the story.
i do wish there were characteristics of your MC, as well as the backstory.
Example: What are Patrick's flaws? is going "down to earth" a place for recreation now? or is that where he lives? (maybe i missed that part). I couldn't picture Patrick as a character other the his glasses as part of his features. is he tall, short, chubby, nerdy, intellectual.
Patrick sounds frustrated, over the little things.why?
i would like to know what makes his dad such a worrier did they lose Patrick at one time? Can something happen to Patrick at anytime like death or kidnapping? and why is his mother less worried?
Overall i enjoyed the read makes me want to know a little more about the character and the backstory. character building is what i would encourage. i want to be able to either relate or have something in common with the MC.