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The Mermaid

by ashtheawesome12401


((This is a Hetalia fic. Yes I used the human names. But yeah I might make this a series, it's up to you guys honestly)).



Alfred was wandering around the beach, thinking to himself. It was a quiet afternoon.Most of the crowds were out towards the boardwalk, enjoying themselves. Alfred usually enjoys himself with people, however, today was not one of those days. Recently, his (now) ex-boyfriend had broken up with him,after six months. Alfred was devastated but he would not show it to his pals.His marine biology professor would be happy, Alfred was at the ocean for something other than lab-work for once. Which is an extreme rarity.

He looked down, feeling the warm sand in between his toes.There was seashells littered around the beach, and there was a small group of seagulls flying around and making bird noises at each other.An old couple walked by, their arms intertwined with one another.

"Good afternoon,"he said to them quietly. They smiled at him and nodded a 'hello'. Soon, they were on their merry little way, enjoying their lives on their own. Alfred scrunched his toes in the sand, the blond America stretched and sighed. Nothing mattered to him as of right now.He didn't mind that he had gotten sunburn for not reapplying his sunscreen roughly three hours ago.His heart was broken.All that mattered to him as of right now, was solitude. He fixed his glasses, and winced slightly at the small pain of his sensitive red skin. But he continued wandering.

"What did I do?" he asked himself in a hushed tone. The birds squawked but that was of no help at all. Alfred sat down on a nearby beach tree.(Because yes, those are actually of existence), and just stared out at the waves rolling through the ocean. He looked out not minding at all about the sun shining down onto him.

That's when he saw it. He saw what appeared to be a human, jump out of the water, then go back down, and a bright green tail like structure crashing into the water as well.

Immediately, he jumped up in utter surprise.He exclaimed a few surprised curses, and ran over towards the ocean. But alas, the humanoid creature was gone. Alfred frowned. Then he sat close to the tide, but not too close to where he would get sucked in, and watched. His eyes were sad.

"Whatever it was, it was incredible," Alfred said, his eyes, looking a little surprised but mostly sad. He continued to look out, "Maybe I will see it again one day. Maybe."

Out of pure luck, the creature jumped out of the water again.Alfred scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket. Quickly he snapped a picture before it could swim again once again.

Looking down at his phone he observed the crude photo.His breath was hard and there was a slight smile forming on his face

“Well I know what I’m going to be doing for a while,” Alfred said to himself.


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485 Reviews


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Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:17 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King here!


Spoiler! :
I smelt the yaoi and the Hetalia feels, so I came here to check.
I know them from fics and the anime, originally.



I can not say anything bad about the plot, because I love the idea and I think you already understood that, by my reactions. Though, unfortunatly, this really needs a really large full editing and correcting from me. I see other reviews had been done, but I will try to edit it to the fullest, and edit it, the best I can.




Alfred was wandering around the beach, thinking to himself. It was a quiet afternoon.Most of the crowds were out towards the boardwalk, enjoying themselves.




At the very beginning, I like it, but I just need to say, that after the second sentence you had not seperated the second and third sentence with a space after the fullstop. Everything is perfect.




Alfred was devastated but he would not show it to his pals.His marine biology professor would be happy, Alfred was at the ocean for something other than lab-work for once. Which is an extreme rarity.


So for this part, the space after the fullstop of the first sentence is needed. But not only this, I think it is better if ' ..for once. Which is.. ' need to be together as ' ...for once, which is..'
With that said, 'is' is better replaced with 'was', because you had started in past tense.




He looked down, feeling the warm sand in between his toes.There was seashells littered around the beach, and there was a small group of seagulls flying around and making bird noises at each other.An old couple walked by, their arms intertwined with one another.



So, to be honest, this is really my favourite part of this story, maybe I can call it a part one?
I hope you continue it, actually. I only have several things to mention now. The first sentence is perfect and I think it does not need to be touched. But the space before the second sentence needs to be put. The problem with the spaces is all over the work, unfortunatly.
After each fullstop, you need a space in this part, and many more.



"Good afternoon,"he said to them quietly.



Only the space after the comma, I can say.

Nothing mattered to him as of right now.He didn't mind that he had gotten sunburn for not reapplying his sunscreen roughly three hours ago.His heart was broken.All that mattered to him as of right now, was solitude. He fixed his glasses, and winced slightly at the small pain of his sensitive red skin. But he continued wandering.


I know I had said about the space problem, but only to be sure, I mention that it is in this part, also.



What did I do?" he asked himself in a hushed tone. The birds squawked but that was of no help at all.


I think you need a comma after squawked, but it is just an opinion.



He looked out not minding at all about the sun shining down onto him.



Something similar here, also. Comma after looked out. (still opinion with these commas)



That's when he saw it. He saw what appeared to be a human, jump out of the water, then go back down, and a bright green tail like structure crashing into the water as well.

I just wanted to say good job for this part. I really love the sudden but amazing appearance of the mysterious mermaid.
Just wanted to mention my surprise and excitement.




Immediately, he jumped up in utter surprise.He exclaimed a few surprised curses, and ran over towards the ocean. But alas, the humanoid creature was gone.


Actually, wanted to ask, what is alas? I cannot say it is wrong so. But space after the first sentence, yes.




“Well I know what I’m going to be doing for a while,” Alfred said to himself.

Lovin' this end. Keep on writing. I kind of want him to meet the mermaid, if it is possible.
I think this story is very interesting, even if it was really sad at the very beginning. I started to get excited in the end, and you made the end even better.
Good job.




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Fri Dec 25, 2015 7:26 pm
LouBellew wrote a review...



This story has so many good elements. Most importantly, the mood of the story is very strong. You really create the world you want the reader to be in. On top of that, you describe Alfred's loneliness in a way that makes the reader feel for him and makes him sound real. You gave him a reason to be sad and you make him sound like a victim, not just a grumpy old man. Over the course of the story, Alfred begins to light up. That's not an easy thing to write realistically, and you did it quite well. Overall, a great story, and I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your stuff!




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Mon Dec 21, 2015 1:25 am
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GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi ashtheawesome12401!

I'll be honest and say that I have no idea what Hetalia is, it's the first time I even hear about it, and thus, I will focuse on your writing and not the context itself. I thought a lot about the beginning of this piece once I started reading it, and this is what I want to comment on. You started by describing what your character was doing, but I honestly don't recommend it. If you want to attract the reader, I don't suggest you begin by telling us what a charater we know nothing about is doing, for it could bore the reader. I would rather show (not tell) what the character is all about; I would introduce the character by bringing some action, something that represents and summarizes (symbolically, if you want) what this story is about, who the character is and what message is he brining to your readers. Only then, the readers could be interested enough to know what he is doing and what is he thinking and feeling. Give this some thought, I say. ^_^ I believe this could help your writing improve fairly. :)


Your friendly reviewer,
Solvy




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Sun Dec 20, 2015 8:07 pm
HopeRobinson says...



Well I can't really give a solid good review that would be meaningful and help you improve as a writer, but what I can do is tell you that you did a good job with the work, and the only thing I noticed is that you missed a few spaced when you would period such as " crude photo.His breath "now.He didn't mind", "toes.There", and finally "pals.His marine biology" Which is small to be honest, I like the work and keep on going!





I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights