STORY TIMe((These are literally the same characters as the last story I posted ok bye))
“When’s the flight getting here Vati?” Chan asks his albino adopted father. Gilbert looked down at his son. Chan looked back at him. His large brown eyes showing happiness and childhood in them.
“Soon…..yeah er…yeah…soon kid,” Gilbert smiles, but his hands were shaking.He fixed his red and black checkered jacket. Chan brushed a gingery piece of hair out of his eyes.
The airport was crowded, but the dad and his son found an empty corner. People walked past them, not noticing these two.
Chan smoothed down the poster he and his friends made. It was in many different colors. There was a drawing in the corner of Gilbert, Krishna and Chan, all holding hands and wearing flower crowns.
Chan smiled at the drawing, pleased at the good job he had done. The colors were bright and beautiful.Then in the center, big bright blue letters was the words “WELCOME HOME DAD!”
Gilbert looked at his son, smiling.Chan bounced up and down excitedly.
“When’s he getting here?” Chan asks, staring at his dad with his huge demonic eyes.Gilbert shook his head then shrugged.
Chan pouted,”Vati you dummy!”
“Aye, I’m cool though!” Gilbert grins.
“You make dad jokes,” Chan answers.Gilbert gasped, offended.
“My dad jokes are good,”Gilbert defends,his eyes narrowing.Chan looked up at him, with a cocky grin.
“Vati no. Dad says your jokes are too old,” Chan says, rolling his eyes,”He said they’re like from 2003.”
“Me and your dad are having a serious talk later,”Gilbert frowns, crossing his arms-obviously offended. His cheeks turned a bright red. Chan laughed at this.
Then the loud speaker came on, overriding other people’s conversations.
“This is the information booth. Air Uralina is currently landing. If you are boarding please head to Gate 12C. Passengers coming from the flight will be arriving in Gate 13C. That is all. Have a safe day”
Chan turned to Gilbert. Gilbert grabbed his son’s hand.
“Dad’s coming!” Chan chirped.
“Yep!” Gilbert grinned,”Did you miss him?”
“Ye!” Chan says, frowning,”Did you?”
Gilbert said nothing at all, but did respond with a simple nod.
Meanwhile, in a fancy little plane there was a bunch of passengers. One passenger in particular…..
Krishna, a 23-year-old man with messy black hair and the beginnings of a stubble on his face, suddenly snapped awake, as someone announced the landing of the plane. He rubbed his eyes, which were slightly bloodshot from the lack of sleep he got the night before.
“Oh man,” he muttered, “Flight’s over, already? Just when I was getting some sleep, too...”
The adult rose to his feet, and wrapped the strap of his backpack around his shoulder. He winced in pain.“Wrong shoulder. Crap,” he quietly cursed, “God, Krishna, why do you always get yourself into sword fights...darny darn flippity flip….”
However, to avoid looking suspicious, Krishna quickly returned to normal, and reached up to get his other bag from the compartment above. He followed the passengers in front of him until he reached the exit.
As Krishna walked towards the airport, he checked his phone. The only message he received since he fell asleep was one from Neha, telling him that a surprise was waiting for him at the airport.
“Well, I hope it’s something I don’t have to carry,” Krishna commented quietly, “God, I’m already getting old...been a week and that arm still won’t freaking heal...I am the old man….So old….so very old….”
Krishna entered the door, checking the time as he shuffled down the aisle, following the other passengers.
In the waiting room, Chan and Gilbert waited.People came in and then left just like that.They were gone in an instant.
“Vati?” Chan asks,” I have a question.”
“What’s up Chan?” Gilbert asks, looking down at his son.
“Why don’t we ever meet these people that pass by us in an instant?”
“Well I thought the same thing. But an old friend told me...well if we are meant to meet someone, then we are meant to meet them. Other than that these people don’t have a reason to meet us.” Gilbert says, “Did that help?”
Chan nods, then looked away.Then started laughing. There was his dad, looking --annoyed-- at the people slowly walking in front of him.
***Krishna***
Krishna walked into the airport. The passengers, who were in a line, quickly dispersed in different directions.
The adult walked to a nearby payphone, and inserted a quarter. He dialed a number, and held the phone to his ear. After a few rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?" someone said.
"Neha Patel, this is the President of the United States," Krishna joked.
"Ha ha," Neha gave off a wry laugh, "Very funny, Krishna."
"Well, I tried," Krishna replied, "Just calling to say I've reached the airport safely. Tell Aditya for me, so he can actually stop worrying."
"Will do," Neha replied, "...Is it true what they said? You're the only one there?"
"Yeah, um," Krishna rubbed his aching temple, "They said Ami's still too sick to come back home...but they said we shouldn't worry. Hey, can I talk to Gilbert?"
"Um, he kinda can't talk right now," Neha said, "Maybe you can call later, or at home?"
"Yeah, that's fine," Krishna sighed, "Is Chan there?"
"He's out with Ram," Neha said, "They'll be home when you are. By the way, Adi said there is, ah, an agent in the airport here to take down your account of what happened. Just go to the waiting room. They're waiting for you. You better be there in a jiffy, you twerp."
"Haha nice okay-Alright, I'll see you," Krishna said, before hanging up. He put the phone back in its place, and picked up his bags.
"Gaaah," he muttered, "I barely remember what even happened over there..."
However, Krishna had no idea, what was really waiting for him in the waiting room.
Krishna tried to get past these old people that were hugging and stuff. As soon as he saw an opening, he took the opportunity to get past everyone.
“Ugh old people,” he muttered, “Like dang son. I hope I’m not like that in these next few years….Old people are so...I dunno...whatever..”
Finally he was able to make it to the waiting room. There were people hugging each other and chitchatting. Krishna rolled his eyes, for he was hoping he wouldn't get stuck again. But here he was, stuck in between people. Again.
Chan and Gilbert were waiting. Chan tugged on Gilbert’s sleeve. Both of their smiles had grown larger.Chan giggled. Immediately Gilbert shushed him.
“Remember the element of surprise,”Gilbert smiles. Chan grins and nods.
“Everything ready kiddo?” Gilbert asks after a few seconds. Chan looked over at his unsuspecting father on the other side.
“He doesn’t see us,” Chan says. Gilbert gives him the thumbs up.
“Nice!” Gilbert exclaims, “Make sure he’s still staring at whatever he’s looking at-”
“Is he looking at - deez nuts!” Chan laughed. Gilbert looked at his son, disgusted.
“Never again no you’re not hanging out with those kids anymore,” Gilbert says, ”Chan you are like seven!”
“I’m ten!” Chan cries, ”Wait no I’m older than that but ten is a nice age so whatever!”
“Eugh.. you can’t pull it off forever,” Gilbert says, “But seriously no more memes for you. Your dad would kill me cause I let you look at memes while he was gone..”
“Goodbye Vati… rest in pepperoni,” Chan says, almost demonically.
“Okay- Chan first thing you’re doing when we get home is finding Jesus,” Gilbert says, ”Now come on we gotta do the thing!”
Chan nods. Then carefully the two crept around the waiting room. Finally they reached behind the unsuspecting man.
Krishna was lost in thought, thinking about his family back home.
“I swear... Gilbert better have made sure Chan brushed his teeth everyday,” Krishna says,”As well as not let him see Pepe Le Frog comics.”
Gilbert gasped. Chan looked at Gilbert, raising his eyebrow.
Then Chan did the thing. He hugged his other dad’s leg.
“What the?”Krishna says, then looks down,”Chan?!”
“Daddy!” Chan cries,”Hi hi hi!”
“Where’s Gilbert?” Krishna says. Chan doesn’t respond, instead he holds up the poster.
Krishna grins,”This is really cute! Thanks Chan!”
Then Gilbert hugged his husband from behind. Krishna nearly used his heel to kick Gilbert in the shin.
“Aye!”Gilbert cried,”It’s me!”
“Ah! Dad, are you okay?!” cried Chan. Gilbert looked down at his son.
“You have betrayed me,” Gilbert whispers,”Son why?”
“Of course I am Chan! Are you okay?” Krishna asks.
Chan nods, watching his other dad fall to the ground.
The End
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey! This is a nice story, it's light-hearted and funny. I like how natural the relationship between Chan and his father, Gilbert. They're an adorable pair of dad and son. I assume "Vati" means "dad" in Indian language? I think it's a nickname or something. The characters' names here sounded Indian to me, with Gilbert and Kristen as exception.

I think the bit about Gilbert being Chan's adopted father doesn't play a role in here to be honest. It seems like an irrelevant information that contributes nothing to the story, so I think you can remove it.
Kristen's funny with his irritation of old guys. I wonder how old is he to talk about them? Maybe you can make his age clearer by perhaps putting a simple phrase to describe it like "the middle age man" or "the man in his early twenties" if he's younger.
The last part ia confusing to me. At one time I thought Gilbert was Chan's imaginary father given Kristen's obliviousness to him... but then Kristen did almost kick Gilbert so that wouldn't be poaaible. Also, why did Gilbert said that to Chan, rhe "you have betrayed me" part? How did Chan betray him, and was her serious about that? My point is, more clarity is needed here.
Apart from that, this story is a fun, nice one overall. Keep writing more because I do enjoy thia one and am sure other readers feel the same.
Hi.
You were writing a good story. It was simple and I chuckled a bit. The characters were somewhat like infinite to me. I didn't grasped the total of the characters here maybe because of the less description of them right here. The Chan boy. Who was he? Um, did he called his "adopted father Vati whilst his name is Gilbert?" Anyways, I didn't want to explain these things, it was so complicated.
[Then Gilbert hugged his husband from behind.]
What was this? Husband but you said that he was Chan's adopted father whilst Krishna was his another father? Are you saying that they are gay or something?
Besides that, I believe this would be a good story if you write properly and put many details on several things. Don't confuse the readers.
I hope this helped and keep writing.
Hi! This is a fun little story, but there are some errors so I'll just point them out for you:
)
In the second paragraph you forgot the space between shaking. and He. There are actually a lot of missed spaces, which is a common problem. I forgot to make a space literally just a second ago in this review. Ha!
When you put, "Vati no." You should have a comma between them.
I think that you put too many passive sentences in your writing. "Chan looked at Gilbert. Gilbert grabbed his sons hand." I think that you could put more detail into your story.
This is a good story, I like it. I love how you put names that aren't very popular, or that people don't commonly use. It really makes the story original. (Even if you used the same characters in another story
Keep writing,
B. E. Writer