((Before you read-this was a piece I wrote for creative writing a while ago. I hope you enjoy!Please write me a review aha.))
An old man was hobbling down the worn out brick path. The bricks were so old they didn’t even show any red on them anymore.His cottage nearby was worn down-but not to wear he could get harmed.
He was a small old man.Like the ones you would see at a coffee shop, happily taking on the day.He had a limp to his step-so he carried a cane with himself.The cane had ancient Greek deities and other beings from the mythology all over it.
Kids around the town went to him to hear stories about the mythological creatures on the cane.And of course the old man didn’t mind.After All, he loved telling these stories.It was his way of giving back to the kind folks in this mtown.
Today wasn’t a good day however.
He fell yet again. And this time his baggy pants fell down.And there wasn’t legs of an old man. Instead there were furry goat legs.The old man cursed in Greek.
“Darn it,” the man muttered, “ How could this happen to me!”
A tan boy was walking down the road. His headphones were in his ears, he was tuning out the world-just like a normal seventeen year old would do. His black hair covered his hazel brown eyes. He looked up. Then seen the old man on the ground.
Immediately the boy rushed over,”Mr. Apporvato-sir are you okay?”
Then he inspected the scene, while Mr. Apporvato was reassuring the boy he was fine.
The boy drowned the man’s speech out. He took off his headphones,”Sir- why are your feet hooves?”
Mr.A paled, “Kaevon,what do you see?”
`Kaevon took a moment to think of what to say.
“I see hooves sir,” Kaevon replies.
“Kaevon, remember the stories I told you, and I still do,” Mr. Apporvato asks,” The ones with the satyrs and the nymphs and all that lovely stuff.”
Kaevon nodded, “Yeah sir- I I remember.”
“Good good. Now can you tell me why you see these goat legs?” Mr. A asks.
“Uhmmmm the Mist- where it like covers everything up,” Kaevon includes, “And normal people usually don’t get affected by it.”
The old man nodded in approval, “Very good young man-very good indeed. Now what about those who can see past it?”
“Well if you focus hard enough you can see legitmate things,” Kaevon replies. The old man nodded in approval again.
"Very good dear boy," Mr.A says to the boy, Kaevon helps Mr.A stand up.
“And also what about demigods?” Mr.A asks. Kaevon stays quiet for a minute or two.
“Sometimes they can see past the Mist, and sometimes they can’t,”
“Correct- now what do you see?”
“Goat legs” Kaevon responds, his eyes looking around in worry, “Does this mean?”
“”You’re dyslexic right?” Mr.A asks.Kaevon nods.
“Remember the Greek stuff on my walls? “ Mr. Apporvato asks. Kaevon nods again.
“For some reason it looked easy to read,” Kaevon says, “Like I don’t even take Greek at school- I take French!”
“Well dear boy,” Mr.Apporvato says at last,”Your mom and I both discussed this.”
Kaevon watched closely, “What?”
“You’re a demigod,”
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140,833 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello there, here to give you a short (maybe) review. I am really sorry, that this time, I will be more negative and maybe harsh about this work, because I see more negatives than positives, which is really unfortunate, but we can always correct it, if you are willing to do it.
So, I want to say what is wrong overall, and maybe what I find the best in this work of yours.
I think this story needs to at least a bit more longer, because the mystery hints are just going overboard. I could not understand anything, in the end, because everything was so cliche like and going on so fast, that you may not be able to understand the situation at all. So, I might say that everything just started and ended too fast, and maybe you could be more detailed. I love the mystery hint in parts of the story or just the whole story being mysterious, but still the reader needs to know at least a bit, so they know what is going on,right? So, after I had said that, I think I talked about it enough. Nothing is explained and it needs a bit of a backstory.
Now, the part no one likes. The mistakes and their correction.
I am starting from the very beginning. The first sentence is okay, but I think you need a comma in the second sentence, after 'were so old (it needs to be here) ' .
Also, when you are finishing the sentence and you put a fullstop, put a space after the fullstop before starting the new sentence. This is the mistake before the third sentence.
I think it needs to be : Today, however, wasn't a good day.
Mtown? Do you mean 'town'? Or something different? Anyways, you need space after the fullstop of the first sentence. I saw these space mistake above, also, but I think mentioning it once is enough. Just check the whole work for this missing spaces. This is only one place, where you can find this mistake.
You needed to be more detailed here, and maybe this is why I think this whole work is saying and showing less than it needs to. In this part, only in several sentences, many things came out. I think they need to be more detailed, and you can give us more information around here. Also, the space mistake is found here. You can describe the legs more.
This is the second place, in which I think you could give us more information. After all, it is a new character, that is coming into the story in sudden. We need to know more about him. Maybe more about his appearance or personality/attitude.
Maybe this is a mistake you did not notice and it is not on purpose. The ' in front of the sentence is not needed.
One small comma before sir.
In this part, you need comma after 'nymphs' in the last sentence.
Putting comma instead of the ' - ' looks better for me, but this is optional.
'Does this mean?' is actually a question, which is only started, so maybe put two,three commas before the question mark or ' - ' to show the question is not finished.
In this part, I wanted to say that you need a comma before 'right'. Everything else is perfect, if we do not look at the space mistake.
Overall, the work needs a lot of work to be done on, but it is pretty interesting, if it could be a bit longer and more detailed, it will be even better. This can always become a even better story, it just needs work. Keep on writing and if you have questions, ask out.
I think this is a good start that with some polishing could become a really good story. The abrupt ending is odd, I'm not sure if you meant to end "You're a demigod" with a period or what. I'd take the time to better describe your characters before setting up a plot and then getting into the action. I don't know if you'd ever decide to go back and re-write this, probably not but it would be cool to see a more finished story as the idea of a town crawling rumors of mythological creatures and an old man who has seen it all and done it all to tell these stories to the younger citizens is really fascinating. So you've got a great idea, I just think with some re-tooling this could be really good.
So...this is certainly not my cup of tea, but I became interested in the story. You did a good job. You know, I should like to learn about mythology.
As ArtStyx said, there were punctuation, spelling, and mechanical errors. Some quotes were missing, some were added when they should not be there. Just look at them and fix them. They are, certainly, an easy fix.
I never knew that the old man had goat legs. That would have been the last thing on my mind. That was, indeed, surprising.
Anyway, you did a good job on the story. Keep up the good work.
Good luck and keep writing!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
I'm a total fan of Percy Jackson. If this is based off of it I'm so happy I found another PJOer. If not...well, I love it.
It is indeed based off of Percy Jackson c:
There's a Percy Jackson club...
I am going to join eep thank you for telling me!
You're very welcome!
Though a good start, it's still not catchy enough to compel a reader to carry on. To immerse us in your writing, take some time to describe your characters’ surroundings, thoughts and feelings. Your story lacks in detail and, thus, ends quickly. You can avoid the fast-pace by giving it some “meat”. Instead of telling us that the boy “was tuning out the world, just like any seventeen year old would do”, show it to us.
For example, Kaevon (shouldn’t it be Kevin?) focused on the music. Every tune, every word struck his heart. It felt close to home. Music was his retreat, his comfort.
This also gives us an insight into the character and makes them realistic, allowing the readers to connect with them.
I noticed a couple of mechanical (spellings, punctuation, and grammar) errors. Moreover, I'd suggest you to move around some words so they make sense.
For example:
This should be:
"Today, however, wasn't a good day."
How does Mr.Apporvato know his mom? It’d be better if you gave us little back story here.
Overall, I can see potential in your story. It’s a nice concept, but needs more attention.
Well done, and keep writing!
P.S: I'm sorry if I sound rude or harsh. I'm just trying to help you. Please note that these are just my opinions. You don't have to follow them. Thanks!