Staring ahead, Patrick left the building he was in. He took a picture of it onto his IPod. And a selfie with it. Patrick pushed some of his blue hair away from his eyes and began walking around.
He bumped into strangers- and like always, silently mouthed the F-word.Some people were kind, some were complete jerks.
“Oi, boy!” an old lady nagged, “Look where you’re going!”
Patrick answered rudely, “ I did. Maybe you should have looked where you’re going!”
The old lady whacked his shin with a cane. Patrick stumbled back, yelling every curse of the human species, that he knew off hand.
Whack!
It happened again. This time the other leg.
The old lady had an angry look in her eyes, as she raised her cane again, ready to strike, when all of a sudden a white haired, but on closer inspection, red streaked, lanky, pale person came and pulled Patrick away.They were out of breath and smiling apologetically.
“I’m so sorry!” the person says, “Mrs.Gibbs. My friend is new here. Please let him be!”
Mrs.Gibbs stared, scowling, she nodded, “Alright Verlin.I won’t say anything to your mother, but if this boy comes again.”
She paused, raising her cane, “Or so help me.”
Mrs.Gibbs eyed Patrick suspiciously, “Boy.”
Verlin smiled and pulled Patrick away, as ae waved a goodbye to Mrs.Gibbs. Who carried along with her life, smiling as if nothing happened. Patrick stared at the person in front of him.
“What?” Verlin asked, looking down at Patrick’s swollen ankles., “Oh, that don’t look good.”
Patrick whimpered, then took a deep breath, “Thank you. Verlin. Right?”
Verlin smiled, “Yep. Also, just so no questions later I use ae or aer.When referring to myself.”
Patrick nodded. “My one friend goes by those. The name is Patrick by the way.”
“Hey Patrick,” Verlin extended aers hand and Patrick nervously shook it.
Verlin smiled. It was a cheesy but sincere smile, and Patrick internally appreciated it. Verlin bowed aers head.
“Are you new here?” Verlin asked, Patrick nodded.
“No family? Friends? Bosses?” Verlin asks. Patrick shook his head.
Verlin asked, “May I be your friend?”
Patrick gleamed, and answered, “Yes.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Space Prince Story 3Points:
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140,523 Literary Works • 673,296 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading chapter 2 of your story. I am definitely going to follow you so I can read the novel.
Firstly though, I think this story is lacking detail. For instance, you describe Mrs. Gibbs as being an old lady, but that is all you describe her as. Then you put a little more description when Verlin comes in to play, writing "a white haired, but on closer inspection, red streaked, lanky, pale person", which is very descriptive, but now with Verlin I don't know whether they are a male or female, haha. You have put "ae", and "aers" which I think is supposed to describe Verlin as being a female or male, but I am not sure what they mean. I read the first chapter and it didn't talk about ae or aers.
Overall I loved the story and the dialogue, but I think the chapter, all together, needs more details and description added to it. For example, even though you might put the setting in chapter 1 or a later chapter, I believe you should add the setting into each chapter and maybe go into depth about the setting that they are in. Maybe add more to each thing that happened so you can incorporate the setting.
That is my suggestion, you can listen to it or not. Lol
Keep writing and FINISH THIS NOVEL. Haha
I do not know what to say about this 'aer' thing but I will let it pass beause I can not say I know how it will be used. Even if this is something I do not understand fully, I like the sequal and this is worth the read. You just need to keep on improving and releasing the following parts. The alien boy met someone and they became friends. Maybe they will become best friends and go to an adventure together? Well, who knows. I hope you go on.
Now, several things I will mention:
[/quote]He bumped into strangers- and like always, silently mouthed the F-word.Some people were kind, some were complete jerks.[/quote]
The problem here is that the two sentences are not seperated with space so this is all you need to do here actually.
You do not need the quote mark seperated with space before the start of the sentence.
The lady can not have a look in her eyes. Her eyes can look angry though.
So correct it this way maybe even if I am not sure how you have to form it. You can also write that she has an angry expression on her face.
For this part I would say that you need to hit the space button before starting the new sentence, after the fullstop.
You need comma before Patrick. Everything else is okay.
[/quote]Verlin bowed aers head.[/quote]
Even if you use aers instead of his, you need to put the ' before the 's' in 'aers'.
Overall, good job and keep on writing.