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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi, Arkhaion~ I wish I had time to leave a long, well-thought-out review, but as of now, I can't. I just had a random craving to read an Arkhaion composition. I really like your writing, you know. It's beautiful. Anyway, I have to go for now, but maybe some other time I'll re-read this and write a proper review on it. It's the kind of thing that needs to be re-read anyway.
This was awesome. A very realistic and graphic lyrical poem about memories, and how they can dissipate in time with love and warmth. It seems a lot like the effects of PSTD. Only found a few errors:
"If I'm still here fighting for
The people I hold dear,
The people I hold dear"
I apologize if you meant to do this, but the repetition kinda threw me out of whack. I've seen this in lyrics before, but maybe you could use something like "My whole world," on the second line. It would work a bit better that way.
"My heartbeat is a drum
Pounding in my throat
Because your love is my salvation"
Didn't totally get this. It sounds like the main character is having a nightmare, but then the salvation stuff comes in. Please attempt to clear that up, it would make the song/poem/bananna even more enjoyable than it already is.
"A monument to diligence and memory
And I know it's mine to get"
This would work a lot better if you used a more vivid word than 'get'. The whole thing is beautifully worded and crafted, and this part kinda sticks out, not in the best way. Try to reword the stanza so it will rhyme with the words you choose.
"Because I still believe in you,
Reaching through the night
Hold my hand and lead me,
Hold my hand and lead me"
Same as first nitpick.
Anywho, I really enjoyed this poem and its interesting subject. You rhyme really well, which not many can do without some things looking forced. Embrace that talent, it will save you in the future. Epic job!
-Toady
Hi anci!
I love your lyrics. Mmm they send shivers up my spine. My body's aching all the time. MAMAAAA ooohh~♫
owait. That's not right.
Anyway, this was a really cool poem filled with really cool images and word choices. I got a general picture of a returned soldier that is either prone to staring into space, or, similarly, in a coma. But then death shows up, and I like to think it's just the thought/fear of death, but it doesn't sound like that, so I end up having to admit to myself that I'm not sure what the metaphor is here.
But I like it, whatever it is.
With a theme like this, you have to beware of cliches and melodrama.
For example:
I just don't like this line. I honestly don't have any reason except for maybe the cliche and melodrama thing, and I'm generally against having blood in poetry (except for all the times where I have it in my poems. Geez I'm such a hypocrite XD). Blood just makes me think of all those emo poems and just makes me roll my eyes a little.
BLAH. cliche, imo.
There were places in this that I thought were just forgettable. I wanted to be punched in the gut every line and end up sobbing in the end, but verses like this got in the way:
Although I like the third line, the rest of this was just to vague for my taste. I can't tell what the metaphor of the whole thing is, and this just looks like something I would only understand if I did know the metaphor. (Like, what is this monument? Is it physical? There are other questions raised, but most are too complicated for me to put words to.)
I like the chorus.
Watch out for forced rhyme. For the most part, I thought it was okay, but still, be careful.
Also, maybe triple-check punctuation? I'm not sure if it was consistent the whole way through.
Anyway, I really liked this!
Keep writing! I will keep reading.
~fort
I don't punctuate my lyrics consistently, to be honest. It's because I have trouble putting punctuation to the stops and rhythms I want to be there, because there's never quite the value that I want to be there.
I'm actually going to change "diligence and misery" to "diligence and memory" -- this song as a whole is a tribute to a friend's dad, and memory is really, really important to her, which is why that verse has the forgetting and such.
Thanks for your feedback <3
I like memory better than misery. Good choice!