descending to a new tier of blackness
one so dark
even the shadows seems white in comparison,
yet the contrast defined by brightness
overwhelms the cast of the casket,
or maybe it's just the basket
case, taking over the surrounding place.
nocturnally hurdling through time
in this space my body takes up--
volume we define by what it displaces
the places i'm in are calculated by what i give up.
a life span of minutes
stretched over a hundred years
like the hundred year war,
nobody remembers what it was for
what did they do
we haven't a clue--
insignificance will be their only achievement.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey,Steggy! It's Lily here for a review.I liked your poem..interested me.But I think you could do some editing so that it'd get a bit more clearer for the readers.
...but those words actually added to the beauty of this poem.Use 'V' for 'volume in the 3rd sentence.
So here I go...
"descending to a new tier of blackness
one so dark
even the shadows seems white in comparison,
yet the contrast defined by brightness
overwhelms the cast of the casket,
or maybe it's just the basket
case, taking over the surrounding place."
The first and the most important part in writing any literary stuff is the use of capitalisation and punctuations.So I'd suggest to capitalize the'D' in 'descending'.
Loved the way you compared darkness and shadow.The word 'tier' was awesome too...No doubt you've got a good word choice.Anyways back to the editing part....I think it'd be better if you'll punctuate the 2nd sentence with a full stop.And then start the 3rd one with a capital 'E'.But I didn't get you in the 5th and 6th sentence..what exactly does 'cast of casket' and 'basket case' mean??!I'm sure you had a good meaning for those,but I guess you can try to make that point clearer.
"nocturnally hurdling through time
in this space my body takes up--
volume we define by what it displaces
the places i'm in are calculated by what i give up."
Start this sentence with a capital 'N' too.Loved the word nocturally though.Yeah,appreciate your mathematics terminology.I'm basically in war with maths..
"a life span of minutes
stretched over a hundred years
like the hundred year war,
nobody remembers what it was for
what did they do
we haven't a clue--
insignificance will be their only achievement."
The same rule applies here too..capitalize in all necessary places.'Hundred year War' that was like a really awesome word! But I didn't get the last sentence.Your lines clearly said that the hundred year purpose wasn't really known..actually no one remember it's importance.But everyone surely does know that it existed/took place..so I think the word 'Insignificance' complicated that stanza.Anyways I hope you'll work on that part.Rest was amazing.
Loved reading through the poem.Looking forward for your other works.
Hope this review was of help.
-Lily^_^
Hey Steggy!
I love the poem you have here. I'm always a sucker for imagery with darkness, so you drew me in quickly. There were just a few points of confusion for me in the piece.
The first three lines are fantastic- I love the picture of shadows being white! That's some really good imagery. Then the last three lines kind of lose me. What is "the cast of the casket", or "the basket case taking over the surrounding place"? Maybe the narrator is becoming lost as well, but even so the transition was rather abrupt and I had to read it several times over. "Casket" is in line with the darker tones, but then "basket case" just makes me think of words like looney. What was your intent with these last three lines?
I love the word nocturnally, and your use of scientific/mathematic formulae and ideas (I adore seeing that in poetry!). However, I think you want to use "hurtling", as "hurdling" is like the track event, and is used in terms of leaping over things rather than simply travelling very fast, as "hurtling" is.
I like this idea, especially because I can't quite remember what the Hundred Years' War was even now. Good thinking! I feel like the repetition of hundred is a bit redundant, but I can't think of any way to change it up. The only other thing troubling me is the last line. I don't think they're insignificant. In fact, your example of the Hundred Years' War is quite significant- even if you can't remember what it was all about, you know that it happened, and that it mattered in history. These indicate that events like this actually do achieve significance, so I don't think it really agrees with your closing line (though it is very beautiful).
Anyway, this is some great stuff! Love it!
-Falco
Also also also
Forgot to say this but
Love the word tier
Especially the way you use it
Hello there! LadyShadows here for a review!
I have not been on here for a few days lately, so I probably wouldn't of had an opportunity to see any of your work. So I glad I am!
Well the thing is, It at least interests me overall. However there are things I'd like to go over with you. See, poems can break the rules of grammar, but one rule they do at least keep is capitalization. At the beginning of each sentence I noticed that there was no capitalization. So that was one thing. The second thing was is that I felt that it was a little too wordy. Remember that less is more. Lastly I felt that there was no general theme or 'direction' it was going. I couldn't grasp what the poem was talking about besides what the title was. Well have a great day! Thank you. Keep writing!