Man is the poison
of limited vision
with golden reins overhead
and dark dirt underneath
is his greedy mind
He is
pretending not to be in awe
with jeweled skies overhead
and stained red sand underneath
he expects the heart to beat
He is lonely
because he does not share
with the soft moon overhead
and smooth stone underneath
he dreams the dream of riches
He is of a horrible history
and a deceiving nature
with no consensus overhead
and flickering flames underneath
no wonder his mind is frenzied.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Wow, I really loved this. I assumed you were talking about greed and the human obsession with money and wealth. Am I right?.....anyway, it is short but I think it gets the point across just fine. I really liked how it began..."main is poison"......I keep trying to pick my favorite part but I just really enjoyed this entire poem. I thought it flowed nicely too...I liked the "and stained red sand underneath....he expects the heart to beat." I think so many parts of this poem are just really accurate and really true and I think you put the human reality into words so perfectly. You definitely just inspired me to write a poem with a similar topic. Nice work.
Hello, Stegosaurus! racket here to review your poem!
Okay, well, I really, really liked this. It's very well done and wonderfully phrased. The metaphors are admirable and, yeah, this is just great. Good job!
So, I really only have one suggestion, but I may branch off a bit as a go on, so bear with me.
That suggestion would be some punctuation? Especially that second to last line,
gosh, it's just screaming for a comma or a semicolon at the end, for dramatic purposes! And, also, that last line is a question-statement thing, so it deserves the little break that a comma/semicolon would bring to separate it a bit from the rest of the poem.
I would also like to suggest you end your stanzas with periods, as your stanzas are their own little thoughts within one huge theme, so, yeah, periods would be appreciated.
I really, really like the metaphors that make up your first and second stanzas, with the 'stained red sand' and 'dark dirt underneath/is his greedy mind'. Seriously, I'm getting chills. Perfect, just perfect, and completely relatable. Goodness' sake's, you're so good at this! I'm jealous...
This is fine just the way it is, but I think it would work slightly better as 'pretending to not be in awe'. No particular reason, except it flows a little better, and that that is my own personal opinion, which you have no obligation to heed.
I really like how you decided to only capitalize the first letter of each stanza (another reason to put periods at the end...), it really fits with the poem's mood. And your stanzas are great, so good job!
Overall, you wrote fantastically and I am jealous of your skills! Just a bit of punctuation would be nice, and you're set. Good job! I really liked reading and reviewing this. I can't wait to read more in the future, so keep up the great work!
~racket
Hello, hello my good Steggys!! RagingLive here to review your poem!
First of all, I have recently become a very big fan of your poetry, and this didn't disappoint me. I found this piece very thought provoking with very few nitpicks.
This feels like an incomplete phrase or thought. I'm not certain if you meant to say "is his greedy mind" instead, as the present sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If it's just me and I'm missing something, I would appreciate you setting me straight.
Again, you seem to have left a thought or sentence unfinished. Even if you just removed the 'a' I think you would see a definite improvement.
I see no reason for the hyphens here, as they make it look like you are trying to combine words that just don't quite fit together. Even if you did use the hyphens properly (a space coming before and a space coming after) I think it would read much better if you simply removed them.
I would have liked to see the poem go out with more of a bang, but I still felt as though the last paragraph in itself was very well executed. Your imagery was good, and certainly doesn't need excessive change, though I do think that you could improve a bit. Here are a few examples:
Spoiler
What is the sand stained with? Blood? Toil?
'Money' isn't working for me here. Maybe if you put in 'wealth' or 'riches' it would flow a bit better and fit in with the aura your poem is giving off.
Perhaps my favorite part of this poem was the last paragraph. I saw great truth in your words, and as long as you keep writing wonderful poems such as this, I will keep coming back to review! (I promise that wasn't a threat!!)
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Thank you!
I made some changes that you suggested. Your thoughts?
Looks pretty good to me!! What I'm looking for is that it sounds good to you since you're the author.
Wow! Aspiring Author here and you obviously put a lot of thought into it. In the last stanza you kind of destroy the He is ___.
"He is of a horrible history"
That makes sense but sounds really old timey and the rest of the poem doesn't sound like that.
"with golden reins overhead"
Why reins and why are the overhead. Are you comparing men to horses?
The first stanza's last line doesn't really finish or end.
Thank you!