against a bloody fence
she leant so tired,
surrounded and imprisoned
by thorny barbed wires.
upon her old branches
memories were carved
of people who resisted,
of kids who starved.
feeling the near danger
the sky's suffocation,
to again rain blood
without hesitation.
and she once witnessed
the uprising of stones
and the cowardice of enemies,
those behind thrones.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey stegorsaurus, I'm going through the top reviewers for this review day and reviewing some of their work.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, but am also feeling like I cannot quite make out the meaning of it.
I especially enjoyed the imagery and the how you seamlessly combined the imagery of pain and limitation (fence/prison/blood/starve) with the nature and beauty of a tree (branches, carved). I'm not sure I understand all of the symbolism you're using but I'm assuming that the tree is a metaphor for something else?
Loved the quirky capitalization, it adds to me feeling like I'm missing something (like the beginning of the sentence?)...
I will have to continue to ponder this poem's meaning for sometime, right now I'm wondering if maybe it is just about a tree near a concentration camp or prison. But I also think that maybe that's too simplistic of a reading.
The word choice is also beautiful here - my only critiques are that "surrounded and imprisoned" <- this line is a tad redundant (but not bad as far as the redundancy meter goes this is about a 6/10) and you use the word "blood" twice, so I wonder if this could somehow be changed, just because the poem is so short already that having the same word twice, takes away a bit. Maybe the first line you could substitute "soiled", "dirty", "worn", or "used" instead of bloody.
Last critiques:
In the second line, I think you mean "leaned" instead of "leant".
And in the 1st line of the 3rd stanza "feeling the near danger) I think the phrasing is a little off, and could be edited for clarity.
Great poem, it's made me think more than any poem that I've read for awhile, and I expect I'll continue to ponder it.
Enjoy your review day and keep up the great work!
~alliyah
p.s. Would love to know what this poem is really about/ what your intentions were behind it - so if you ever would like to enlighten me I would much appreciate it!
Hi Stegosaurus, Its Navy CDR here to do a review on your poem. First impression, It sounds super intense and something big has happened. But I am very confused on what the poem is actually about, i feel like there is alot of symbolism but i sense that is too in depth to know what is going on. (I could be wrong and not seeing it). Its a great poem, i feel like the setting is in a country that had been through war. I was a little confused when you said...
["to again rain blood without hesitation."]
I am unsure on what it means. Your first sentence gives me the feeling/possible idea of the setting and what is going on in the poem.
["against a bloody fence she leant so tired, surrounded and imprisoned by thorny barbed wires."]
Well in conclusion it was a great poem with lots of detail! I really enjoyed it! Great job and keep up the good work!
'thorny' and 'barbed' back to back? I think we get the description ;]
I liked the way this evoked the mood of a tree. It's leaning for rest on this awfulness, but tired by this awfulness.
Tragic world-weariness, the feeling of bark.
This tree has seen it all, what are we to think of the tree? Could the tree be a metaphor for history, and its rootedness; branching, bracing, scarring, entwining?
I like that you didn't play around to much with the reader's expectations. Other writers might have been tempted to make the narrator's identity a mystery/gimmick. Rather you named the poem aptly and proceeded frankly.
Hey, yo, Stegosaurus! Stranger here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!
Believe it or not, this isn't going to be that negative. I've read your works in the past but never analyzed them for a review, so this is a first for me. You know how to set a scene, really, and portray it well enough so the reader can get an understanding of what's going on. I really praise you for that as it's not the easiest task in the world. However, I did find some problems with the wording and formatting that are really critical to your poem.
This looks like it can be read out loud, and that's the bad thing. It looks like it's made for it, but that's the difficulty of reading books such as Trainspotting or A Clockwork Orange, it doesn't look quite right reading it, if that makes sense.
SPORADIC REALIZATION: This is about a tree. Just connected the title to the poem. That would be a really awkward review if I didn't realize it.
Let's jump in, shall we?
The two things I have to comment on is the capitalization and the tone you have. You know poetic choices, right? Either capitalize every time you hit enter or every time a sentence ends or just don't capitalize at all. You do all three of those, and it's painfully confusing. I don't quite know if it's intentional, but I would recommend fixing it so it's consistent. The first three lines were capitalized, yet the last one wasn't. Why?
SPORADIC REALIZATION: You could have a lot of fun with this, and there is a huge chance you are doing it on purpose, but I'll recommend something at the end to make it possibly better.
The second line is a major copout that surprisingly works well in the poem. You're rhyming, but that really dictates how you say things. Don't focus on rhyming, really. If you ditched it you could have much more freedom with driving the story places. That being said, "she leant so tired" doesn't look right to me. It probably is, but it's still very awkward. However, it somehow managed to keep the flow going. So, I guess good job?
Love this stanza. It's oddly poetic and simple but not too unique. It isn't anything groundbreaking, but it just feels nice reading. It makes me connect it to other memories, so the fact you can do that is great.
What is this. The fact that you put this up to your second stanza is slightly aggravating. I can't make grammatical sense out of it, and even if it's present, it still remains as a filler stanza. I would love if you could probably explain what it means? I'm stupid, I apologize.
"The cowardice of enemies those behind thrones" should be separated by a comma or something. The fact that there is nothing in between it makes me read it as one phrase and it just doesn't flow right at all. Try reading that out loud once or twice and see what's wrong with it. A comma would add a beat and would make it a way stronger ending.
Anyways, back to my realization, what if the sporadic capitalization represents the tree falling? That is a great idea, but it's hard to do in four simple stanzas. It took me a while to catch onto it, and probably will for other people, so I recommend revising that. I liked it. Good job, Steg!
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy.