in circles, i wonder
why
you turned your back,
before i seeked the answer--
it’s hard to find love that’s true
how could you be so cruel,
stab me
rearrange me,
in front of a judge--
this dream includes you and me
how am suppose to leave
when your fingers
stained my skin--
just tell me
and remember
you told me
that night, tears in your eyes--
please don't go
there was no such thing as a
happy ending, you said--
don't break my heart again
we have no ending;
just fatal goodbyes. you cared enough
to point the gun
in my direction--
i'm begging
because nothing makes me happier
and nothing makes me sadder
than you
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
This is such an amazing, deep beautiful poem. I absolutely loved it!
Hi Harry here for a review: Let's start off with the good things first so you don't get upset. First off loved the title and the beginning, made me want to read the poem right off the bat. The ending I liked to because of the rhyme scheme you have. Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you. Now are you ready for the nitpicking and advice about your mistakes?
First off your punctuation, you need to add periods to your poem yes even poems have sentences and you need to add periods. Because a reader likes to be able to pause and think about what you wrote before you move on. Now most people don't like this but I would capitalize the first letter after each beginning word. Like for example, we have no ending; could be this: We have no ending;
That is only a suggestion though and you don't have to follow it. also I don't know if it was on purpose or accident but you have no rhyme scheme in till the end. That makes no sense and I would either add more rhymes or none at all because it drives the reader from the main purpose of the story. (we have no ending;
just fatal goodbyes. you cared enough
to point the gun
in my direction--) this part confused me, what is it with the lines? you don't need them and you confuse the reader with this. I also agree with babydollblues below about your italicized words in between stanzas. I liked it and it was like a song with singers in the back ground. I heard the music and the voices and it was a nice upbeat with a slow and sad melody. Maybe like a pop or country song. Great job with this and sorry if I sound rude. Your poem was great and great job Happy Writing. Can't wait to read more.
I really like this poem, your use of the italicized words in between stanzas was a great touch. One thing I would say about this is the use of punctuation. I know a lot of people will say, "Well, poems don't need to use punctuation because it is a free way of writing." but in my own experience I have seen the use of punctuation take a poem very far. Punctuation isn't for every poem but I feel like your poem cold benefit from it, just putting a few commas or periods here and there could make a reader really stop and think. One thing that always helps me is reading one of my own works out-loud and where I pause or want someone to think about something, I add punctuation. But poems are a personal thing and a great way of self expression, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Other then my own personal preference, you had a wonderful descriptiveness and flow to your words.