she seemed like a mirage
after traversing in the desert
for years dying of thirst,
until the parched flaked lips
the burnt crisp skin,
ready to give up within one's self
with every muscle aching
every willpower breaking
she walked in,
having been through hell as well
we sat and as far as we could tell
we both fell under the spell.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,456 Literary Works • 673,225 Reviews
'Ello, it's cello!
This review will be rather short as you're poem is only 62 words long. (I may of miscounted slightly but whatever)
You had some great imagery here but I feel like you could easily add more. For example...
Comparing the subject to a mirage give the reader a beautiful picture but you quickly follow it up by saying 'the desert' which is rather bland. A simple adjective could add so much. 'fire-hot desert', the 'sun bleached desert'. Not the best example but I'm sure you'll think of something.
(Off topic but you need a comma after 'years')
Okay, I'm just dumping the whole 'more imagery' thing and leave that up to you.
If you have the word 'until' you need an action to go with it, which you don't. You say 'until' then continue with describing the skin and body. What do the lips do? Until the lips... Do you see what I'm saying? Taking out 'until' would be an easy solution but giving the body an action would work as well. (It's up to you)
I really loved this and I assure you I'll be looking over some of your other works.
Keep up the amazing writing!
-ChocolateCello
I really like the start of your poem but as you continue to read it gets very confusing on your meaning and what you are wanting your readers to see or take from the poem itself. I do love your idea though but maybe if you stressed certain aspects or took longer breaks at parts the message would be clearer and have a more powerful impact.
Thanks!
You are more than welcome =^_^=
I really like the first line. After that, it gets a little confusing.
You need sentence breaks. Maybe after "desert", and then after "skin." (Optional after "breaking" as well.)
"She" is a very clear person, but the speaker is not. Maybe replace "one's self" with "myself." It increases readability.
Your first 6 lines don't rhyme, then aching and breaking do (which is totally fine), then your last three rhyme very obviously. I would keep aching and breaking, but try some synonyms on the last three. It breaks up the rhythm of the poem and almost sounds Dr. Suess-like.
"Burnt" juxtaposes "crisp." When I think crisp, I think autumn, not the desert. Either choose "burnt-crisp skin" or eliminate "crisp."
I like "hell" uncapitalized. It works with the poem.
Overall, very nice job! I like the poem, it's just a little rough around the edges.
Hey Steg, Stella here!
This poem was a really nice extended metaphor. I loved the images of a body after coming through the desert, it's been done before but it still felt fresh and it brought great images to mind rather than just being pretty words. Good job on that!
There were a couple of things that threw off the flow for me though, in particular the following two parts:
The first instance, the new placement of 'for years' on the second line felt very ambiguous - have they been travelling for years, or dying for years? It doesn't matter either way -- but what matters is that it required a second reading for me to get past the phrase, and I don't think that that's what you want in your poem.
The second one did the same thing - I assume you mean 'within' as 'within one's self' which is, of course, totally fine and a fair thing to say (although to be honest, after such an arduous journey I feel it wouldn't just be a psychological struggle anymore, it'd be a physical one too!), but I had to go back and ask 'within where?'
Poems requiring second readings aren't necessarily bad things, not by any stretch, but you don't want that second reading just to be for the purposes of basic primary comprehension.
I sort of like your rhyming, the way it builds up towards the end as if life is beginning to make more sense as the poem goes on. It wouldn't be any harm to smooth out the rhyme a little, but it's good the way it is too!
The first line feels like it's in the wrong tense, is it?
Anyway, overall, this was a nice little read - it could do with some polishing, but it's on its way!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you!