the bluejays screech
while the cardinals play
their little flutes to the
tune of broken hearts and
all i ask is that
their song continues until
the morning sky bleeds with colors and
the world is ripped apart by
the swans' trumpets and their
feathers cutting away
at all my doubts.
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,225 Reviews
Hiya! Space here for a review!
Despite how short it was, I still found it enjoyable. Something I find odd was that usually poems like this about nature always seem soft, slow and sweet, while with this one I found it a bit..chaotic? If that makes sense.
Because of your use of "the bluejays screech", "the tune of broken hearts", "morning sky bleeds with colors", "the world is ripped apart" and "feathers cutting away my doubt". I don't know if this was your intention, but I personally liked it because it took a sweet, soft poem about nature and turned it fragmented and quick-paced, if that makes sense. I still found it to be sweet, though, and I liked it.
My two suggestions for you are-
1. Maybe put it into seperate stanzas, so it won't feel as rushed.
2. Describe what you are "doubting" (as referenced in the last line), because I couldn't really tell.
Despite that, I liked it! Good job!
-Space The Snickerdoodle
Hey Steggy, Wis here for a review.
. These seem to intone that what you intend is a positive image. But, , , are all pretty harsh sounding words. Bleed and rip, are usually associated with visceral sharp images of pain, things being broken, etc and I think it might work better if you replace it with softer words.So this is a nice short and sweet poem, and I'm not sure how much I can offer due to its length but I'll give it my best shot. I think the length of this poem is its strength, in that it's tied together neatly by the compactness and fluidity of the imagery within the poem. It's a very fitting poem for the title.
Whilst the imagery is lovely, I think Kays pointed this out in her review. Your word choices I feel, are kinda at odds with your content here and the two clashes against each other awkwardly. From the last two lines, this poem seems to have a pretty positive overtone, as well as the
I'm sorry if I was too harsh in my review but overall, I think you've got some lovely imagery here. If you have questions regarding the review, please let me know and keep writing!
-Wis
Hi there Stegs! I see that this is the poem you wrote in Marms' pad yesterday and I saw this in the Green Room--what two better reasons are there to review this? I also noticed that you're an Adult™ now (don't know how long that's been for) and wanted to say congrats! With enough of that, let's begin.
Let's start off my first impressions, and those are that this is short and sweet--I like that quite a bit. There's a sense of flow throughout this poem that holds this all together. Reading this aloud is a pleasure and I found the fifth line, 'all i ask is that' connecting the two main parts of the piece together being smart word choice. In my eyes, there are two different parts here: The first part sets up the birds playing their metaphorical instruments and the blue jays (a small note that I'm pretty sure 'blue jays' is two words instead of one) screeching and the second part comes after the fifth line, almost acting as the aftermath.
Before I delve further into what I mean by that I wanted to point out that blue jays don't exactly 'screech' per say? At least, in my experience. There may be a better fitting word to use in this case although that's more of a minor issue. Back to what I meant by 'aftermath', the first four lines are the set-up, the fifth line transitions from the set-up to the aftermath or the outcome, to be more specific and I liked that about this poem. Speaking of the second half of the piece and the duality between the first and second halves, the second half, or the last four or so lines lack that smooth flow that's so enjoyable about the first half.
While there's not a problem with the content of these lines, work on the transition from the eighth line to the ninth line and the overall flow of the last three lines. 'Feathers cutting away/at all my doubts' is what in particular needs fixing both for flow and for emotional impact as the ending isn't as hard hitting as I'd hoped. Other than what I've said, this is a pretty solid piece of work, Steggy! Nice job on this one. The metaphor with the birds with their different instruments is a creative one and the imagery here's strong and vivid. Out of what I've read from you, I have to say this is probably in my top three favorite poems that you've written and I'm happy to see you growing as a poet.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
This is gergus. I felt like i was there due to the imagery. I hope to see more of your work. This is absolutely beautiful.
The "the morning sky bleeds with colors and the world is ripped apart by the swans' trumpets" Was described in such magnificent detail, I could feel the passion. Thank you for this beautiful peace!!!
Take some more time to edit, i think that would add a good presentation aspect to the poem. But I hope your peace get feature XD!
overall great pece!!!