Young Writers Society

Hi Pompadour!

I really don't have much to say about the parts of this poem that I loved: the only thing that come to my head is that it's so good! But when I read it the first time and then few more times after that, I thought it could be better.

like only your space shuttles can.]

When I first read this bit I was so confused and froze and had to read the line again. It isn't what you're saying that's confusing me, it's the wording. 'only' seems so out of place but it's necessary; I get that. The phrase loses it's meaning without 'only' but with it seems clunky and awkward. I can't really think of a way to reword it so not very useful.

wearing your heart on your bell-bottoms isn't groovy anymore;
so toss it back.

At first, I didn't find this line very useful- it feels like a filler- but it could be! It seems so short- the image behind it is wonderful but it lasts only for a moment- a flash. Maybe that's what you were going for(?), but I think elaborating on it could do so much more. It some how left me so unsatisfied- give me more! Or just don't mention it all, I guess.

You've repeated the phrase "toss it back" throughout the poem- love it. But in the first stanza

toss the thought back
into the sea where it came from.

It seems so...normal. There isn't anything outrageous or surprising about the concept of tossing your dreams or anything into the sea. Maybe it's the word 'sea'. You could replace but I don't have any suggestions. Through the rest of your poem, the phrase has so much power and impact. Over here it's a half hearted blow and a bit of let down.

The more times I read the poem, the more I fell in love with the bit from 'lying to the embers...' till the end of the poem. It's beautiful and flows so well and it's the stuff that makes a great poem. Then there are the first two stanzas- the bits I mentioned- where I am jarred out of seeing what you're saying into trying to figure it out. It's like a car ride that's really bumpy in the beginning and even though the rest of the poem is smooth as the highway to heaven, I can't let go of the initial bumpiness. The beginning of the poem, like you wrote it, is meant to place me gently into the world you're creating. But I'm not immersed enough into that world when I reach the third stanza so the impact isn't as sharp as good as it could have been.

I love the last stanza-- it makes me think of how grounded we are in reality, all the time.

Also, I don't write that much. So feel free to consider this the ramblings of an idiot. xD

-Angel

Hi! I really love the sentiment and rawness of this. There's a lot of really beautiful and well-executed imagery here (my personal fave was the stanza with the boa constrictor. That was excellent.)

There were a couple instances where the imagery came across as more cliched and it really took away from the power of the poem for me. One of the weakest images (in my opinion) was

so toss the thought back
into the sea where it came from.

Your title and first line are really strong but I felt like I'd heard this before. I wanted something more dreamy and harsh, you know? It didn't have a lot of impact for me. So for that to be a repeated image just felt off to me. I think I would have liked it better if it were tossing into something that wasn't the sea, maybe? I'm not sure. I would definitely play around with that line and see if anything else works better for you.

Despite it being my favorite stanza,

lying to the embers that flicker like a rattlesnake on your tongue

felt pretty convoluted. The sentiment was there but the image was off. I liked all of the thoughts but they just don't go together well in my head I guess. (That might by just me though.)

You say

listen to the jukebox

twice immediately next to each other and I'm not too fond of that, it's too repetitive. I also wish that you would have said

[quote]and remind you that your feet have sunk
deep, too deep
into the ground.[quote]

at the end. I feel like it flows a little better that way.

Overall though this was a super good and strong piece and has a lot of potential. I would just take some time away from it and try to come at it with a different perspective? Sometimes a little distance helps me.

I've read some of your other poetry and I love your voice. If you ever want to talk poetry/lit in general you should message me.

Ande~