being a dreamer isn't a valid occupation anymore,
so toss the thought back
into the sea where it came from.
you have always been enchanted at the thought of building
trains with your lego pieces, and space shuttles
with the rattling breath that shudders through your lips.
[watch them sweep through the sky
like only your space shuttles can.]
wearing your heart on your bell-bottoms isn't groovy anymore;
so toss it back.
lying to the embers that flicker like a rattlesnake on your tongue, lying to
the coals that lie heavy on your palm, lying to
the london underground [help, there is a python crawling up my oesophagus]
[call 999] [my bones are pillars of fire and my throat is a boa constrictor
con--constricting]
does not make you a cool dude anymore.
so toss it [yourself?] [everything?] [your heart?]
back into the sea where it came from.
if your heart is dangling from your fingertips, push it through the slot,
and listen to the jukebox when it plays your favourite song.
listen to the jukebox, drop a coin in,
and watch all your dreams float in sargassum rafts
to somewhere where there is no sound
and no sea
and no sky
and nothing to hold you back
but the snakes that bite into your flesh
[got a problem there, buddy?]
and remind you that your feet have sunk
too deep, too deep
into the ground.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi Pompadour!
I really don't have much to say about the parts of this poem that I loved: the only thing that come to my head is that it's so good! But when I read it the first time and then few more times after that, I thought it could be better.
When I first read this bit I was so confused and froze and had to read the line again. It isn't what you're saying that's confusing me, it's the wording. 'only' seems so out of place but it's necessary; I get that. The phrase loses it's meaning without 'only' but with it seems clunky and awkward. I can't really think of a way to reword it so not very useful.
At first, I didn't find this line very useful- it feels like a filler- but it could be! It seems so short- the image behind it is wonderful but it lasts only for a moment- a flash. Maybe that's what you were going for(?), but I think elaborating on it could do so much more. It some how left me so unsatisfied- give me more! Or just don't mention it all, I guess.
You've repeated the phrase "toss it back" throughout the poem- love it. But in the first stanza
It seems so...normal. There isn't anything outrageous or surprising about the concept of tossing your dreams or anything into the sea. Maybe it's the word 'sea'. You could replace but I don't have any suggestions. Through the rest of your poem, the phrase has so much power and impact. Over here it's a half hearted blow and a bit of let down.
The more times I read the poem, the more I fell in love with the bit from 'lying to the embers...' till the end of the poem. It's beautiful and flows so well and it's the stuff that makes a great poem. Then there are the first two stanzas- the bits I mentioned- where I am jarred out of seeing what you're saying into trying to figure it out. It's like a car ride that's really bumpy in the beginning and even though the rest of the poem is smooth as the highway to heaven, I can't let go of the initial bumpiness. The beginning of the poem, like you wrote it, is meant to place me gently into the world you're creating. But I'm not immersed enough into that world when I reach the third stanza so the impact isn't as sharp as good as it could have been.
I love the last stanza-- it makes me think of how grounded we are in reality, all the time.
Also, I don't write that much. So feel free to consider this the ramblings of an idiot. xD
-Angel
Hi! I really love the sentiment and rawness of this. There's a lot of really beautiful and well-executed imagery here (my personal fave was the stanza with the boa constrictor. That was excellent.)
There were a couple instances where the imagery came across as more cliched and it really took away from the power of the poem for me. One of the weakest images (in my opinion) was
Your title and first line are really strong but I felt like I'd heard this before. I wanted something more dreamy and harsh, you know? It didn't have a lot of impact for me. So for that to be a repeated image just felt off to me. I think I would have liked it better if it were tossing into something that wasn't the sea, maybe? I'm not sure. I would definitely play around with that line and see if anything else works better for you.
Despite it being my favorite stanza,
felt pretty convoluted. The sentiment was there but the image was off. I liked all of the thoughts but they just don't go together well in my head I guess. (That might by just me though.)
You say twice immediately next to each other and I'm not too fond of that, it's too repetitive. I also wish that you would have said
[quote]and remind you that your feet have sunk
deep, too deep
into the ground.[quote]
at the end. I feel like it flows a little better that way.
Overall though this was a super good and strong piece and has a lot of potential. I would just take some time away from it and try to come at it with a different perspective? Sometimes a little distance helps me.
I've read some of your other poetry and I love your voice. If you ever want to talk poetry/lit in general you should message me.
Ande~
Hello! Origamidragons here with a review. I'll be honest. I have no idea what's happening here. The descriptions are great, but since it goes all over the place they're hard to appreciate. I know that poems are often esoteric on purpose and that's great, but usually you can tell at least what the underlying theme is, and I just don't get that from this one. Nonetheless, the descriptions are still very good, and the only spelling/grammar mistake I spotted, or thought I spotted, was oesophagus, but I guess that's the British spelling, so you're all good except for the use of the word 'groovy.' It seems like it really dates the poem and doesn't quite fit with the overarching poem.
Hello Pompadour, Amindor here.
I honestly don't know what to say about this, but it is brilliant. I'm just not sure if I see any errors because I'm not usually good with reviewing poetry. But this is very deep and I love it. And I guess that's what makes me so speechless. You ended it off perfectly, leaving me wanting to read more. And hopefully, next time, I can give you a better review. I can't wait to read and review more of your work in the future. Keep writing on!