#2
the tide swells like it has forgotten
all that it owes the earth, like it has
fallen deeply in love with the sky.
the truth is, it merely wants
to please the moon; her wild eyes,
lunar gesticulations,
and ski-sloped, glowing face
are charming.
the tide does not know, I think,
that the moon is fast asleep.
she only awakens when the sun
washes the sky clear with sweat, when
day stampedes centre-stage
and the moon must surrender her battlefield.
(she departs, saying she will be
back another time.)
and the sea falls, as if
tired, suddenly
upset. only to rise, fickle sprite,
when the sun smiles at the earth,
beaming, and beautiful, and bold.
it is noon; the tide is alive
but unassuming--
it laps closer to the sun,
falling only as she fades.
(the tide does not know, I think,
that the moon watches
through evening pines, yellow with envy--
her spittle drips over the woods, her countenance
ghostly, pale, and planning.
she waits until the tide has fallen
and strikes day down mercilessly.)
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello again!
Can I just say that I LOVE the title. It makes me really happy.
The #2 confuses me. Is there a part one to this?
Your first three lines are poetic gold. I'd like more in the rest of the poem about what the sea "owes the earth."
"gesticulations" is a weird word. It sounds like it means something dirty XD Maybe that's just me. It still seems like an odd word to use anyway.
To me, a "ski-sloped face" sounds more like a terrible skiing accident than a charming attribute. The conjunction of these words strikes me as strange.
I like the beginning of the second stanza too, but the rest of that stanza strikes me as... enigmatic? Perplexing? Overly metaphorical? That stuff. It's a little much, in my opinion.
I like the parenthetical statement.
I like "yellow with envy." I could picture that, and it made me smile.
Directly after that, however, you say "her" and I think you're having some trouble with the antecedents, because it would seem that the "her" refers to the tide (especially with "spittle"), but then with the final line in that stanza, I think you're talking about the moon. Confusing~
So the gist of the whole thing is that the tide switches sides ( :0 rhyme!)? There's a lot of imagery here, and I think I see what the story is, but I don't know if there's a lot of actual meaning. It sounds like you're just narrating something. She loved him, but he did not return her passions. So then she loved this other guy, and the first guy was jealous. The end.
Obviously it was better than that because we're talking about things much cooler than humans, but we're also using rather cliche thing to personify.
I'm not sure how to tell you to fix this, however, and the words were very beautiful, regardless.
Keep writing!
~fort
...I'll never look at the word 'gesticulations' the same way again. XP
How do you do this? :0
This is exceptional. I'm marginally in love with you because of your poetry. Pleeaaase teach me how this whole writing thing works XD. That being said ( that wasn't very professional of me
) , I would like to give it a review. I will try not to be biased and just tell you how Freaking awesome it is. *Deep Breath* Ok. So, let's start at the beginning. '#2 ' ... Did I miss # 1? Im really excited to see it, if there as one, but I think the idea of numbering poems is really interesting, especially if they are out of order, or have no actual chronological connotation. I immediately started thinking of the symbology of #2 , which I think lined up with the idea of this poem pretty fantastically; Duality, companionship, separation, etc. Anyways, I liked it. ' the tide swells like it has forgotten/ all that it owes the earth.' what a marvelous comparison and image. The idea that the weight of this debt is removed by love, or the idea that love causes forgetfulness and consequentially, freedom, is a very fascinating idea to apply to Nature. ' it merely wants to please the moon' <3 well who doesn't? This idea of the interrelation between the tide and the moon, personifying both, is magnificent. later you just come out and say ' the tide is alive', but then temper that statement with 'but unassuming' - not only is it living, but it has caprices and tendencies and moods! This ties in ( for me ) to the varying nature of the tides, the shifts, the cycles, the eroding quality, and how the moon plays into that. The idea of the tie acting as an irrational love-struck entity adds a certain joy and playfulness to the portrayal of nature here , which works wonderfully. The sun washing the sky with sweat and stampeding centre-stage is a marvelous description of the inexorable passage of time and the differing energies of the sun and moon. ( Your use of parentheticals is always perfect, but especially here. Have you read e. e. cummings? You should. He's a bit more wacky with punctuation but his loose vital imagery and flowing verse form seems relevant to yours ) The battle between sun and moon is also interesting, and seems to be another personification of the natural processes, which works marvelously. I like the insertion of the speaker into the piece ( '( the tide does not know, I think...)'), which makes the piece an open observation rather than an emphatic statement. This adds to the character and indeed innocence f the poem. 'yellow with envy' is a good turn of phrase, taking a known idiom and switching it around ( another one of your many talents ) , to put it to the most relevance and affect. The ending lines are 'striking' and pose a lovely closing image. The vicious nature of the moons attack and the power of this act are conveyed brilliantly. The fact that the moon waits until the tide goes down seems to imply some sort of protection or secrecy , which I think is interesting and would like to see explored. Your use of enjambment is very effective, and your cadence is spot-on, almost mimicking the ebb and flow of waves and the slow erosion of the shore. If you haven't read any Eliot yet, you should ( T.S., not George, although she would also be interesting ) and also Charles Simic, Diane DiPrima, Walt Whitman, and the Ancient Haiku writers, like Tu Fu, Basho, as well as Kerouac's interpretation. I think you are an incredibly fabulous writer and hope to see more and more of your work in the future! Keep on keepin' on!
I really loved this. It was whimsical at the least. They way the entire thing flowed was perfection. You don't just say things s bluntly you describe it and paint a picture but it's different than what I have seen before. All together it's beautiful and I loved it.
Honesty I have no criticism to give you. You should brag about this because it's wonderful and I hope you keep writing. Yeah I wish I had more to say sorry I don't ever review poems and when I do I don't really know what to say so I tried.
Hello, Pompiepoo <3
because moon is mentioned in the previous line, "half-moon" feels extremely redundant there.Because somehow this got out of the green room with only one good review, I've decided to review this.
First of all, your imagery is lovely. I love the idea of the moon drooling on the woods because she's envious the best. That was great.
Apart from the imagery, there are a few things I'd like to address.
I think you should emphasize even more the forgetfulness of the tide. It cycles, and each cycle it is new, new water molecules brushing each other, and it forgets. You do mention it once, but I feel like forgetfulness should be one of the main characteristics of the tide in this poem.
I'm not sure what you mean by "scuffled face". Perhaps find a different word?
this is in the passive voice, and it kinda jarred me. Try "she only awakens"
Put a comma after departs. I'm not usually nitpicky with grammar, but this one really bothered me.
I think this would work better if you broke it up a little instead of having it be all in one sentence with all those conjunctions. Or add semi-colons. I'd probably write it like this:
"it is noon; the tide is alive
but unassuming--
it laps closer to the sun,
falling only as she fades."
I found the phrasing a little awkward here. Try this:
"her spittle drips over the woods, her countenance
ghostly, pale, and planning."
That should be "has fallen"
I'm not a big fan of ending the poem on an adverb. Maybe try to rephrase it so it ends on a stronger word, as adverbs are generally kind of weak. I don't know if you even need an adverb there, to be honest.
Altogether, I really enjoyed this. I hope this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Thank you ever so muchly! :3 I will get to the editing straightaway.
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how this uses imagery quite well since i can imagine the waves coming over the rocks or the sun shining down on the rocks. Also I think that this is well-written poem since it has a great tone (sorta like a riverman's dream or something)
this seems to me that this throwing me off. Plus it confusing me a little (to be honest).Nitpick(s):
May i ask why there parentheses at the end? Is that like a chorus singing a song or is that an ending to this poem? That just made no sense why they were there.
take out I think since it seems like you are unsure about how the tides might feel about the moon watching them.
this is a little confusing too. I mean sweat is clear yes, but sometimes sweat is not clear (if that makes sense).
Overall, i think this poem is quite nice and has great imagery for the reader to use when they read this. They can imagine the moon, sighing with envy behind the trees or pines while the sun in still high in the sky or something.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Nice poem! I really like the image it conveys!