young myself knew mistakes like the back of her hand:
like the twenty-one stitches from twenty-one years,
she counted on turnpikes and every bump in the road
that drove pins and needles into her skin.
cars, she reckoned, were just the adrenaline
to running across the highway
and running over home.
(later on, she learnt some cars still leak oil on the tarmac,
while some fingers leave trails along the sidewalk
for the innocent to pick up on, and follow home.)
but then again, young myself knew how to make mistakes, too,
like a group 1 element that was far too volatile;
her heart beat quickly--too quickly, she knew--
until she lathered it with oil and stuffed it in her body
as deep as it would go.
(engines sometimes combust too early; let it be known.)
and sometimes, i wonder (but only when it rains),
if the heavens are greased for a reason.
or perhaps the stars are surrounded by bruises
of a past they do not wish to remember.
(they remind me of swollen wrists and rings in the sunlight.)
i wonder what young myself would say if i told her
that some clouds are lined with oil instead of silver
(but that lithium will give way someday to gold; then
it will not matter if the streets touch the sky.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I frankly love the poem. i really like it. i notably like the use of science in the poem myself being a science student i never though it could be ever used in this way. you inspired me to introduce something such in my poems too.
just getting too cheesy bu i would like to point that there are some grammatical errors, the first line should start with a capital letter and may be the first word of each line could as well be in capital, take care of some punctuations.
apart from that the poem is really too good to point out any more flaws
keep writing and i would love to read them
Rituparna
Capitalisation is not a must in poetry.
Thank you for the review! I will be rechecking the poem for any other grammatical offices and such~
*iffies
Autocorrect and I don't get along.
This poem you penned was simply excellent! It had soo much of philosophical musings in each paragraph and the way that you were able to juxtapose the imagery o yourself was simply enchanting. I love the way you pose omniscient questions which keeps the reader, I firmly believe, thought provoking. I also love the way you amalgamate the cosmic catalogues to human imagery and feelings, especially in this line
"or perhaps the stars are surrounded by bruises
of a past they do not wish to remember"
Overall it was simply Awesome!! Keep Penning!
I enjoyed how deep this piece was. You gave enough to grab the readers attention and let them figure the rest out for themselves. This skill I feel is truly a gift, for it leaves room for the readers imagination. I applaud your talent and skills. However the some of the parts that you have in parenthesis I would just remove some of the parenthesis like:
"but that lithium will give way someday to gold; then it will not matter if the streets touch the sky."
I feel that this could just be the ending other than in parenthesis. Just like with:
"(later on, she learnt some cars still leak oil on the tarmac,
while some fingers leave trails along the sidewalk
for the innocent to pick up on, and follow home.)"
If you just space and capitalize the l in later then it wouldn't distract the reader so much with parentheses.
I look forward to reading more of your works. Keep up the good writing.
I enjoyed how deep this piece was. You gave enough to grab the readers attention and let them figure the rest out for themselves. This skill I feel is truly a gift, for it leaves room for the readers imagination. I applaud your talent and skills. However the some of the parts that you have in parenthesis I would just remove some of the parenthesis like:
"but that lithium will give way someday to gold; then it will not matter if the streets touch the sky."
I feel that this could just be the ending other than in parenthesis. Just like with:
"(later on, she learnt some cars still leak oil on the tarmac,
while some fingers leave trails along the sidewalk
for the innocent to pick up on, and follow home.)"
If you just space and capitalize the l in later then it wouldn't distract the reader so much with parentheses.
I look forward to reading more of your works. Keep up the good writing.
Hey! I really liked this poem. It carried a flow of deep imagery that really spoke to me. I like how you didn't explicitly explain the poem but rather left us piece it together through the analogies. I don't really have anything negative to say about this one; keep it up!