last night was an evergreen forest in Montana,
a rainy day at the bottom of a dune in the Sahara,
and an overture of flipbacks and flipthroughs, cold hands dancing
across the pavement in a rendition of Great Expectations
(the full title being Great Expectations and Pubs)
last night was a chain of paper hands and paper feet
and hiding behind my hands and choking down smoke
and trying and trying and trying not to run
when the crowds moved closer
last night was running home, running fast, running
out of breath, running, running, running into dead ends
and up ladders and walkways and running
conversations in my head until it was dawn again.
~
i went to see the optometrist this morning
and we talked over the sound of rattling bone china
and flashing lights, about how life is a series
of how do you see me?s and am i better person today?
and why am i so afraid and why do i care
of what people think?
i admitted that people are strange, and thoughts
are wirehay and every oddity is an enigma plastered tightly to my bones.
but the optometrist smiled at me, and took my hand,
and wrote down a prescription.
a cup each night of laughter, of leaving conversations
to rot in the sink. a teaspoonful of self-esteem, a dash
of bravery.
and a cup, every Friday night,
of unadulterated 'go out and be'.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hai pomp~
I need to get my reviewing underway for today
So...
The first half of this seemed very unconnected. Each stanza pretty much kinda connected to itself in its own way, but the stanzas did not seem to go together at all except for they all had a kind of desperate tone, and, of course, they were all written by you, so that makes all their word choices delicious. But content-wise, they are very much different, and I don't think it's different in a good way. More like different in a "what's this chick on about again? These things were each taken from a different paragraph of a different chapter in the same book but they don't make sense together." You know what I mean? Probably something adding to this is that they're all pretty vague. They have some nice visuals, but i don't have any background at all to what these visuals could represent or what the story is or who's talking or anything. This made it kind of hard to relate to for me.
I really like the first line. It drew me in. The third line baffled me.
In the second part, my main question is why the optometrist is giving out prescriptions like this. THAT DOESN'T HELP YOUR EYES. If anything, it should be like, a psychotherapist who is doing this.
"how do you see me?s" at first, I stared at the "s" on that, wondering like, "what?" but then I liked it, because it's the whole question that is being pluraled, and the ? is the perfect thing so it doesn't just look like a big ol' "mes." But the other ones weren't pluraled, and so the s kinda looks like a mistake. So if it is a mistake, it worked out well, and I think you should put it behind the ? on the other two questions.
I like wirehay
I kinda thought the prescription was kinda cliche too. Like, it's sappy and I've heard it before. Plus, it sounds more like a recipe than a prescription. Which is what I've read this kind of thing before as. "a recipe to happiness" a pinch of love a dash of hope etc. etc. blah blah blah.
I'd like to see some other connection in a different way to actual optometry. I think you could do that. Something about rose colored lenses maybe. who knows what kind of magic you'll be able to work on the words!
Anyway, I hope this review helps! Keep writing~
~fortis
Hi!
Not very experienced at reviewing poetry (or reviewing anything, hah, sorry), so apologies if anything.
This. Was. Amazing.
Well, at first it was dramatic, all of the emotions mixing up and even though you don't actually talk about them, there was so much. So much. Wonderful.
And then the second part, the calm that it gives off. It was absolutely lovely. The contrast between the two parts, the good kind of contrast.
All in all, I loved this poem really, very much.
Amazing! I think it's brilliant. Wonderful idea. The imagery was stunning and really clear in my mind's eye. The prescription was like something I'd love to have, and the entire poem send chills up my spine.
A beautiful poem that I will appreciate for a very long time.
Hi pompadour! RagingLive here to review your poem!
First of all, wow. Just wow. You have some amazing imagery in this piece, reminding me why you've been spotlighted many a time. There are a few things that I have questions about, though, so let's get started.
1) I thought an optometrist was an eye doctor, but this poem makes it sound like a division of psychiatry. Am I missing something here?
2)
Did you mean to say 'haywire' instead of 'wirehay'? Even as I type this, autocorrect is saying that it's wrong. If I'm just missing a term or phrase, I apologize.
3)
It was a bit odd to have a period in the middle of a sentence like that, but after I reread it, I had no problem understanding it. You do, however, have the word 'be' ending two of you sentences here, and it is a bit confusing since your poem doesn't rhyme and there isn't really anything to distract from it. I'm not really sure what you can do because the last line is so perfect the way it is, but maybe if we changed the first sentence quoted:
"a cup each night of laughter, to leave conversations alone,"
That was just something I came up with fairly quickly as an example, so it probably wasn't the best I could of done. I think you get the idea though.
These were probably my favorite lines!! Great work!!
It reminded me how often I lose sight of who I am, was, or am supposed to be. I also have a problem with questioning how others se me, so I think that this prescription might work for me too!
I thoroughly loved your poem, and I hope I get to review more of your work in the future!
Until then, keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive