Hullo! So this is late and you have every right to give me 0 points, I just wanted to point that out first in case time differences and you don't realise/ whatever. I know, failing at my own contest right? Anyway!
Specifics
1. There's something about the first line which I keep stumbling over, but I'm struggling to put my finger on what exactly it is. I love how descriptive it is and maybe it's just that I'm thinking there's fog wrapped around the feet so if you then pull the socks up are you trying to trap the fog there or do you have to take the fog off first? I don't know. I think maybe it's that 'silken morning fog' is not an easy phrase to say and then the next line is quite long before we get a breather.
2. I love the next few lines, right up until we reach 'woe is early morning clumsiness' which just feels too much like it's giving us a summary of what you just hinted at so beautifully and I really don't think the line is needed and I don't feel like 'woe' fits with the gentle, almost fragile atmosphere you've built. I like that the images are all soft, delicate foggy things and 'early morning clumsiness' feels almost too solid?
2. I'm not sure what 'after-hour' is trying to suggest. Do you mean after hours as in late night? If so, there's a nice sound contradiction with the mourning. But maybe something night, dark, late would give us that contrast more clearly? Maybe last-hour or owl-hour? There's this book I ready once which described when the moon was up and just after midnight as the hour of the wolf.
3. Love the pantry description.
4. Nice personification of the wind and I love how casual the line 'the wind/ is just so very bothersome' is. That has a great feel to it. Very under-whelmed almost, which is what I feel the tone of this whole poem is. Like this person in mourning is moving around in a daze, only half aware of anything. I think that's why the line in brackets bothered me so much in the first stanza. It felt too much like a moment of clarity.
5. I'm not sure where the image of the city is made from salt comes from. It feels a bit sudden. It might be nice to have an extra line in there to create the image of the city first. Maybe 'the city outside' would even do it, just to say where this city is. In the persona's dreams? Outside the window with the wind? Link it to one of the images we've already digested like the falling asleep or the wind outside the door.
Overall
I really love the imagery in this poem but I was waiting for more of it at the end and I didn't get it. Just a repeat of the guest theme, which was nice, but I wanted more of fly's wings caught and not caught on fly paper or fog like silk crawling into the bedroom.
I also wanted to know more about the persona, more hints of their state of mind. You give us that one clue about mourning and then it's gone again and this could be anyone just waking up and drifting aimlessly. But I want to know who they are. Just more subtle hints that could give us a clue. Maybe they didn't used to live alone and you could bring a casual comment on that in with the wind - Maybe the dead still throw parties - or something more subtle. But more backstory please? And more imagery in the last stanza?
See you around!
Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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