Young Writers Society

Hey PomPom!

So like I said, I don't understand why you're going into so much detail in the first half of this stanza, because it just is making the poem more confusing. What is the point of this poem? Is it to display memories of a time simpler? Is it to just explore things that could have happened? Because the first part of this poem is all stuff that seems impossible, like putting oil in plastic water shoes, and softly calling to a chandelier until it decays to nothing. Like, seriously? How long are these two having memories? They seem like they have a lot of time. Also what's with this whole phantom thing? It makes me think that the two of them are actually like, just crazy murderers and they locked some poor dead body in a store's bathroom.

What... I mean, like, seriously?

I mean, it's a good poetical stance, to make things dramatic, but you're going too far with your language I think. Make this more realistic, or explain somehow why it isn't realistic earlier on because by the time I get down to the last stanza, I'm not really following where this poem is going, and that's not a good thing. I should be lead along like a chain on a nose.

The reminders of the simpler things were nice though, because those were tangible and understandable. If you're going to say they did all of these fantastical things, then give us a time frame, and some sort of realism in them that makes us either A) believe they're real or B) Explains how they're made up. For instance, if it is real, then just go into one or two examples and be specific, like, name names, or explain HOW they could out-wait a chandelier cuz that seems unrealistic to me. Crooning wouldn't do it.

I really like your section in [the brackets] because it sort of ties everything together. But I do think that you need to focus a little bit harder on introducing the ideas in the last stanza earlier in the poem so that when we get to it, our minds don't have to flip quite so much with your word play.

Overall, WHAAAAA? This poem is sort of intimidating because I don't understand why some of the things/examples happen in this poem. Otherwise, good flow, good tone, good execution.

Aley

Hi Pompadour, Caterpickle here. I really liked your poem. I didn't understand it, but that's a me thing, not a you thing. I never really got all the metaphors and figurative language, where you have to read between the lines, but even with this issue of mine, your metaphors and the way you expressed your feelings through this piece of art shined through strong and bright to me. You found that perfect tone that all great poems have, that strong, but quiet kind of vibe. This really showed that the one speaking in the poem has a true and deep regard for the one she speaks to. It shows that she feels like she's the only one with the burden of knowledge weighing on her, and she desperately wants her counterpart to share it with her, but she feels regret about asking them to be weighed down, like her, because she knows how it feels and it's awful. Or I completely read it wrong. Probably the latter, I'm afraid. As I said, analyzing poetry isn't one of my strong suits. However, skills aside, there is nothing bad that I can say about this masterpiece, because some things just turn out perfect on the first try.

Well done with this, and sorry I can't be more helpful, but something like this doesn't need much helping.

~Caterpickle

Hola, Pompalovely. I am here to review your poem (and hopefully not ramble)

So from what the past reviewers have said is pretty much true. It seems the tone of the poem makes itself seems beautiful and lovely. As I am reading, I can see the important stuff and get the feel for the whole idea. There seems to be an important beat to this poem, like rain falling down on a spring day or the feeling of rain after a spring day.

This poem also seems to share a romantic side as the narrator kinda wants the person to remember them but they don't. The imagery for the love is nicely knitted together, like a winter sweater.
As what most people might say to fix, would be the capitalization however for this poem, it fits perfectly.

Like you said before, "the voice feels weak", I somewhat agree with that. The way you write poetry, depends on the structure and reading time. The beat of where you lead off after a word, can change the beat of the whole poem. If someone were to read this outloud, they could pinpoint the certain beat changes to add a stress unstress pattern.

Nothing seemed to point out as changing. I enjoyed the most parts of the poem including that of the imagery; my favorite line is

i remember
the atticways and the dark corners and the pessimism hanging
like seaweed on our front door.

I'll agree with Sigyn: the melancholy tone is what makes this beautiful. Not sure if this was your intent, but this feels, to me, like a poem of loss. You start with such vivid and specific memories (assuming that the first stanza, like the rest, is the result of imaginative play and not an act of arson ), and after the turn, they become less specific, but still pretty meaningful. There seems to be a sense of longing that is present throughout the poem, and I think that's what sells the imagery. I won't pretend to "get" all the references, but your mood is consistent throughout.

The image of the "girl with the bouquet of dead flowers" is excellent, and what drives my interpretation of loss. It's a very powerful image, and I'm not sure what else to say about it that would be of any constructive help.

As far as "patching things up" (like you referenced in the chat), I don't see anything too glaring. Some people may have issue with lack of capitalization, but I think it fits the ambiance of the poem. Your formatting is cool, especially "i remember... you remember...".

Sorry for this not being more helpful, but I really enjoyed it.

You created such a different feeling with this poem that is is unbelievable. It is so beautiful and unique. You created the sense of mystery and wonder between the girl and the person that she is talking about. It has a dark feel, like when you say she was standing there with dead flowers, and the hiding of bones, etc. Even the way you set up the lines in the poem was really different from what you would normally see. You are a really unique writer and those are hard to find. Keep it up!

The imagery that was happening in my mind from this was just amazing. It was really beautiful the poem and just I can't really explain but the melancholy of it all just drew me into the poem. The nostlagia that you created was just unreal. Great poem.