reach out

intro:

look at all those tiny people moving on the streets--
bleached smiles, blanching faces, oh, listen to 'em preach.
but preaching is so dismal, so why not just spread a name?
'cause some folks might take a tumble, but to others it's a game.

verse one:

walk along a vineyard, and call everyone a vine,
some people might not take it well,
their thin mouths in hard lines;
but to others you're a friendly face,
and the withered pals all smile,
'cause where you lack in gracefulness,
they'd like you to stay a while.

chorus:

so, take the long drive back home,
so, tilt your head back and smile.
so, listen to dark words, and then
reach out, reach out,
reach out and let them know
(you're listening).

verse two:

look at all the faces on a rainy afternoon,
people flinging buzzards like they're as common as the blues.
listen to their trying patience and then knit
a sweater made of hugs, or a smile--but is that it?

walk along a scheduled storm,
walk along the moors.
search for an unfamiliar face,
'cause a smile always allures.
some people might jerk back,
others might just wince,
but some souls are like boomerangs,
and you've caught ever since--
(you reached out).

bridge:

tell them it's fine to be afraid,
the pirates've left their sailships,
and everyone's survived the raid.
sometimes it can be disappointing;
sometimes it can be hard.

but look at all these people,
all these faces still on guard.

chorus:

so, take the long drive back home,
so, tilt your head back and smile.
so, listen to dark words, and then
reach out, reach out,
reach out and let them know
(you're listening).

[instrumental]

fading out:

(look at all those tiny people moving on the streets--
bleached smiles, blanching faces, oh, listen to 'em preach.)

Comments

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 10:20 pm

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Rook wrote a review...

Hiya pomp!
These were some pretty great lyrics. I could also hear a little song playing in my head, so that means that the rhythm is good enough for me not to comment on.

I think these lyrics have the best characteristic of your poems: delicious images. You have so many lovely words here that work together to convey your point of reaching out to others. I wish, however that the images weren't so spread out and diverse. I mean like, I wish there was a little bit of a story line to go along with the song. You know what I mean? But honestly that's not necessary. I'd love to hear music with this. I'd be it would be awesome.

Um, watch out for cliches in this. A lot of the things you said, while positive, have been said many times before, so it almost sounds empty. I'll leave it to you do decide what you think fits that criteria.

Okay I said I wouldn't mention rhythm but oh well. There's a couple places where the rhythm feels off to me, and I don't know if you have a song already picked out for this, or whatever, but I know that lyrics are easier to put to music when you have a consistent rhythm, so then you can play the same thing over and over and not worry about being tricky with the musical aspect of it.

I really like the way you started this, and then you ended it with the same lines. I like the calling everyone a vine thing, but I wish it was developed a little more. I suppose this goes with my wanting for a sort of story line.

Anyway, this is pretty good! I hope my review helped you even just a little bit ^^
if you have any questions about what worked and what didn't feel free to ask me. I'm full of opinions that I don't always share because sometimes I feel like they're obvious.
Keep writing, Pompledore!
~fortis

Points: 6141
Reviews: 499

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 9:00 pm

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Que wrote a review...

Hi Pomp!
I love lyrics~ And I'm so glad that you made it clear where the chorus and other parts of the song are. ^-^ That's great!

The intro was very intriguing, so I think it's a very good start to pull you further into the song.

'cause where you lack in gracefulness,
they'd like you to stay a while.

This part was a little bit odd. I like that it says that they'd like you to stay, but usually when someone says, "where you lack in ____" it's generally expected that there is an answering line, about something else you do have. Obviously, although the narrator is lacking in gracefulness, he/she is obviously making up for it in some way because people want him/her to stay... the question is, in what way? If you could clarify a little, that would be great. I know it can be hard to modify things when you are working with lyrics and have a certain vision.

I love the chorus! It's like taking the time to consider life and other things, and then reaching out. Very nice.

people flinging buzzards like they're as common as the blues.

I like this entire stanza, but this line bothers me- flinging buzzards? I'm not sure what you mean there.

the pirates've left their sailships,

Maybe just ships rather than sailships works better here?

Overall, I really enjoyed this! I love the repetition of faces, the chorus is lovely, and the verses are deep. Well done!

I do hope to read some more soon.

-Falco

Points: 3742
Reviews: 274

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:52 pm

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cleverclogs wrote a review...

Hey there, Pomp! cleverclogs here to save you from the Green Room!

I've always loved your poetry, but I've always been somewhat shy about reviewing it because I feel like it's so above me that anything I say will be totally useless. But hey, it's review day, so I'll try to the best of my ability to give you some advice.

Reviewing lyrics is always a little weird since they're really meant to be sung. I can't really know what they're going to be like until I hear the song. What sounds stilted and awkward in poetry format might sound great in a song. That being said,

look at all those tiny people moving on the streets--
bleached smiles, blanching faces, oh, listen to 'em preach.

I like these lines, for the most part. They remind me how every person you see actually has a life, but you only think of them as insignificant strangers. The part that wasn't so great was "listen to 'em preach". Before that, you were making me think of how nobody interacts at all and keeps to themselves on the streets, and now you're throwing in this "preaching" bit. It kind of comes out of nowhere, and doesn't mesh with what you've told us before.

but preaching is so dismal, so why not just spread a name?
'cause some folks might take a tumble, but to others it's a game.

The meaning of this is fuzzy to me. I think it gets too wrapped up in metaphors. "Spread a name" doesn't really mean anything to me. It could be spreading the name of Jesus for all I know. Then, the "'cause" in the next line makes me think that "some folks might take a tumble" should be related to "spreading a name", but I can't find any sort of connection. Also, what is it that's a game? Maybe it's just me being stupid, but I think that you're choosing catchy rhythm and rhyme over making sense here. No bueno. Songs aren't always as strict with rhyme and rhythm as poetry, since the melody can be made to make it keep up with the rhythm. You can probably take some liberties with that here.

their thin mouths in hard lines;

This is a very minor thing, but I feel like this line would be better worded like this:

their mouths in thin, hard lines;

'cause where you lack in gracefulness,
they'd like you to stay a while.

This also suffers from not making a whole lot of sense. Usually, the phrase "where you lack in x" is followed by something like "they lack in x" or "you make up for with x", so it threw me off when you didn't do that. To avoid that, you could change "where" to "while".

Also, why is the "you" in these lines lacking in gracefulness? I haven't seen anything else in this song that would indicate a lack of it, physically and otherwise.

I like the chorus a lot. It actually seems like the most stilted part when I'm reading it, but I can imagine it being sung in an awesome, folksy way.

The "not making sense" problem crops up a few more times in this song, namely in the first part of the second verse. I'm not going to go into that, since I've already pointed it out a few times and I don't want to sound repetitive. I think that that's the biggest problem with this song- sense being sacrificed in favor of other things. The message is great, a lot of word choice is great, but sometimes is just becomes too bogged down in wordiness and metaphors, and I can't understand it.

the pirates've left their sailships,
and everyone's survived the raid.

This was kind of a weird comparison to make. Not bad, just weird. I think that pirates may be a little out of place in this song, since I'm getting such a folksy feel from it. Perhaps you could say the same thing, but use a different comparison?

I think that repeating the chorus once more might be a good move; a lot of songs nowadays end like that.

Overall, I really liked this a lot. The message and meaning was excellent. And this may seem small, but I really loved the way you used punctuation. It can be really frustrating to read poems that just slap a comma on the end of every other line. I hope that this review proves useful to you somehow!

Keep up the great work!

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:36 am

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ChocolateCello wrote a review...

Hey! ChocolateCello here! (Happy review day)

Okay, so I'm not the best as writing reviews that praise, I'm better with editing, but I'll give it a go.

I really loved the meaning in this song and the lyrics were a joy to read. I especially loved the first and last two lined (They're the same thing, duh) "look at all those tiny people moving on the streets--bleached smiles, blanching faces, oh, listen to 'em preach." It says a lot about society and I think you did a great job, not only putting it into words, but putting it into a song.

Each verse had a bit of a different story but it all tied together very nicely. I really wish that YWS had some sort of 'add music' attachment because I would love to hear these beautiful lyrics against some background music or even simply to a tune.

Only thing I might suggest, I know you're keeping a 'no caps' pattern but capitalizing the title might be nice. It's the title, it's okay for it to go against the pattern.

Keep up the amazing work!
-ChocolateCello

Points: 240
Reviews: 0

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Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:09 pm

BBerton says...

Wow... okay before I start I say this as a music lover (I know nothing about actual song writing) and as a music lover.... I loved it! The wording is beautiful and I love how it flows, it's so.... THERE you know? Great job
-BBerton

Points: 216
Reviews: 13

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Sun Aug 16, 2015 9:11 pm

ChloeJoelle says...

Wow! This is really awesome! I'd love to hear it with a melody and music. I love the line: Walk along a scheduled storm. This song is beautiful!
-ChloeJoelle

Pompadour says...

Thank you! c:

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