knees bent, legs apart--we were forever
grounded in dirt, the lips of our sandals
brushing against the forecasted: merry dewdrops on grass.
eyes open, stance unrelaxed (always unrelaxed),
to where the Older Ones hid in their backpacks
made of leather and orange juice.
but apple has always beaten
orange in my opinion, and our crests
and our crowns gleam brighter in playground daylight.
'duck your heads and muffle your faces with your scarves,'
say the Experienced Ones, 'and whatever you do, don't sit
on the see saw--unless you wish, of course,
to return home with several angles bent and several
blooming devils on your limbs that
weren't there before.'
behind the jungle gym, in the sawdust, in the rain,
is an epiphany--a word, Ms Sanders said, that sounds
wise when said that way.
behind the jungle gym, in the rain, in the traffic
of small bodies pressed together, and whimpering--
we hide from the Older Ones.
our weapons are discarded packs of apple juice.
we call ourselves the royal rifle gang.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey! First off, this was a very well-written poem. It flowed nicely, especially for a piece without a consistent rhyme scheme. I very much liked the third stanza, and how you managed to explain the setting without coming right out and saying it. I agree with the below reviewer's comment on the use of forecasted in the first stanza, though. It was the only line that really stuck out and didn't go nicely with the rest of the poem.
The imagery in the second stanza was great. I loved how you described the injuries as "blooming devils" (were you referring to bruises?). The words "see saw", however, seemed to break the character you had given the Experienced Ones, as the rest of the quote was fairly sophisticated as far as vocabulary goes, and see saw isn't. It was a better choice than teeter totter, though.
Again, great job on this I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work.
Okay stop your begging. Here am I. I'll take a payment of something cold and sweet (and preferably chocolate-flavored).
First off, the title is intriguing, so good job with that.
Okay first stanza:
First thought after finishing reading it was confused. I don't know what's going on in this at all. Maybe these things are soldiers? I honestly have no clue. You have these images of legs and stances, dewdrops and orange juice, but it adds up to no coherent thing in my mind.
One part that really stuck out in a bad way to me was this line:
Mostly just the use of "forecasted" here. I could see it making better sense even if we just completely removed that word. Or even just the colon. Then it would be like saying the dewdrops were the things that were forecasted and the thing that we are brushing against. But with the colon there, I don't know what you're trying to say whatsoever.
Stanza two:
more of the same. But the see saw mention makes me think that perhaps these are children pretending to be soldiers? That would make sense with the orange juice and apple as well as the backpack and playground comments. ...glancing at the rest of the poem, I suppose that's what it is. I guess my advice for this is to either make it distinctly clear from the start that that's what's going on, or, if you want it to be vague, make it sound like they're real soldiers or something and then reveal it only at the end? I don't know. What are you trying to accomplish with this poem?
In the italic parts, I feel like... there are too many plural nouns? Could perhaps the Experienced Ones be talking to one person rather than multiple? So you would say "duck your head and muffle your face..."
Stanza 3:
I like this stanza. It makes more sense. But I still have no inkling who the Older Ones or the Experienced Ones are. Why are they hiding from the Older Ones? Are they scared of them? That would explain the whimpering. What's this about an epiphany? Because I'm not getting any over here. You have lovely images in this, but they don't quite sit together right in my mind at least.
The last two lines are lovely, though I do wonder how you could use apple juice packs as weapons...
I am craving juice now. Never mind about something cold and sweet (and chocolate) being my payment. I just want some cold apple juice and orange juice.
I hope this helped somewhat. I am always available for questions if you have any. Keep writing!
~fortis
<3 this has been so helpful; you have no ideaa
*inserts long, rambling reply*
I wasn't really thinking of anything when I wrote this, but I was mostly vague-gesturing to playground bullies and 'initiation' at school. The apple versus orange juice (and the apple juice preference) is supposed to be like a childish rebellion of sorts, as is the formation of this idea--the royal rifle gang. I say idea because it's supposed to be 'idealistic', which I guess childhood and playground memories are? in a way? The Older Ones are the older kids, and the Experienced Ones are the kids who've been bullied before. I was sort of attempting to draw a parallel, I suppose, between playground bullies and the lesser, rebellious people in society, with suppressed opinions (apple versus orange juice again), although I by and large failed at that, lol. XD
*sends forti a carton of apple juice and instructs to refrigerate before opening*