i am a glass vase on your countertop, with cracks
running through its neck. i am empty, gaping open, with cobwebs
for teeth and spiders for friends.
the moon shining through the window is a toast
for all that could be and all that never was
and all that is caught by the mirror on the landing tonight.
i am a vase, knocked over, glued together, repainted a thousand times;
i am a palm cupping the flowing stream, catching nothing but air;
a vacuum, a solace, a darkness that is breathed aside without a second glance–
i am empty, gaping open, demanding
to be filled.
every last drop of water skids through my fingers onto the ground.
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139,370 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Oh Pomp. How I wish I could write like you. This was so great and so packed with metaphors and beautiful figurative language. If every poem is a sand bucket, and every beautiful word, a grain of sand, this bucket is overflowing.
I loved the "cobwebs for teeth and spiders for friends" part. That painted a great picture, of the vase, with its "mouth" open, and webs lining the opening due to lack of use and fulfillment. It is a sad poem of neglect...emptiness...loneliness...I'm not really sure, but it could be all of them or none of them.
"For all that could be and all that never was" is a very powerful line, full to the brim with regret and remembrance and dreams of everything that could have happened if only the other person had listened, or if only they had stayed one more day. This whole poem I'd filled with lines like this, lines that really make the reader think. So, if that was what you were searching for while you were writing this masterpiece, then well done.
~Caterpickle
Hi again!
Mmmm. As in "a damp place", your imagery is often powerful. But I'm not sure the intent of this poem was as complex. I love the last line. And that it's from the point of view of the vase (make sure to maintain it -- "running through its neck" maybe should be "my neck"). It's a little too... I dunno, full of overused words, like darkness, empty, vaccuum, gaping (twice). The stronger words are "toast" and "landing", glimpses into something more real.
I like it, but I think you need to reach for a more complicated emotion/idea. And spend some time fixing some of the boring words.
Thanks for the read!
-BFG
Nut <3, I guess you are getting my 400th review afterall.
Don't you feel special.]I'm not great at poetry so I don't know how helpful this review will be, but I'll be as helpful as I can. I adore your poetry partially because it's filled amazing imageries that makes my soul melt and partially because it transfer a powerful message across.
This time though, this poem feel different. More personal, your voice is a bit shaky which could be a reflection of your current emotional state. I think most of what I have to say is what you've said to my poem. However, it's more collected and your imagery isn't as scattered. It seems unfinished. Let's take it stanza by stanza.
I like the idea of the glass vase, glass brings to my fragility and vulnerable. You have some splendid imagery there but I'm not so sure about the moon though. The moon and the vase doesn't seem to connect together very well, and the metaphor of the moon being a piece of toast seems slightly out of place. The rest of this stanza seems to have a similar theme running through, which is both a good and bad thing. Good because it correlates with the rest but at the same time, it's a bit repetitive without giving off content and depth.
I think I like your second stanza better, it's good in its simplicity but like Autumns said, I'm not sure if repeating vase is a good idea. You could perhaps enforce the imagery or the feeling it brings with something similar?
Your ending is what bothers me the most, it lacks that uumph, it makes this poem seem somewhat complete. The last two stanzas echoes the previous by basically mirroring its content, in doing that you sort of let the climax of the poem trickle away. When I read it, there is a genius sense of raw pain and anguish but in terms of poetry this poem is not yet finished. There is more to say (given your usual voice and style) which maybe why my senses are nagging me. I suppose I don't feel the the last line ties up the poem, it's just left dangling on the side like an outlier.
I hope this scrambled review was somewhat helpful. As per usual, if you've got any complaints or questions you know where to find me. c:
-Sub
I got so confused when I saw this on the front page and it said Nut. And my brain said wut. I think I need sleep.
<3 go to bed, lol. And I did read it, and it is deffo helpful and thankyousomuch!
I love this!!!! I love all the comparisons, and the descriptions! I feel the wording and flow is perfect. This piece is marvelous!
I love this!!!! I love all the comparisons, and the descriptions! I feel the wording and flow is perfect. This piece is marvelous!
I love this!!!! I love all the comparisons, and the descriptions! I feel the wording and flow is perfect. This piece is marvelous! I wish I could write more like it!!!!!
Hee.
Let's start with an overview and then I'll give you some of my suggestions and make a few nitpicks.
The poem sounds good to me. Full of unique expressions rich in imagery, from with cobwebs / for teeth and spiders for friends. to the moon shining through the window is a toast / for all that could be and all that never was. Your writing style and the pictures you paint are lovely, and although I don't usually comment on the choice of title, 'faultline' seems to be an apt one in this case.
Moving on to suggestions, notice the parts highlighted in bold:
The second line is my favorite line in the whole poem, but is the double mention of i am a vase helpful to the poem in any way? You decide.
Also, when I read
I don't expect
because I'm expecting something... how do I put it - more "fluid." Maybe this is just a silly nitpick but all I'm saying is that the idea of catching air while cupping a flowing stream didn't quite work for me. Again, I leave this for you decide.
That's pretty much all I have to say about this poem. Given it's length and simplicity, I don't think there's anything about it that one could comment on, either. I hope my review was helpful.
Love,
Au.