this is not my fault, I swear. I did not see
that the moon had swung so high, that
the anchor was misdirectioned--it never
hit the seafloor.
(but it will make a good chandelier
provided it doesn't rust.)
I have told you: silver is antiseptic; cobwebs are not.
it would be best if your wounds were ignored. but if you wish,
the mast is rotting and grandpa's sails are secure
and safe; will they do for bandages?
I might have some string hidden
under the planks. but salt water will sting
at your flesh. even so, darling, if you would
hasten to the deck and grab a bucket?
(I am sorry, but we cannot drink salt water, please understand.)
at night, the fog will frighten me, as it will frighten you--I know;
but the bilge is warm. please know
I am here for you.
and in the morning, we will
retire to the starboard: swallow dirt, wash remains
into the current. it is hard
for me to see the helm--green and mouldy
with fissures carving down its shipwrecked spine--sunk
too deep.
and I will use a string
of complaints to hang all the clouds to dry.
but if I were to climb the crow's nest:
the wharf is a hand's breadth away.
'the wharf is an entire sea away.'
hey there..
Pomp..
I read your poetry and even though I admit to have read it twice to catch the meaning of literary piece, I really think you've done a good job in writing this. The imagery that you presented is the one that has caught my immense attention as I admire poems that present the scenarios and emotions through the use of imagery and your's is definitely one of them.
good job..and keep posting; will definitely look forward to your posts.
regards,
Abhishika
hey there..
Pomp..
I read your poetry and even though I admit to have read it twice to catch the meaning of literary piece, I really think you've done a good job in writing this. The imagery that you presented is the one that has caught my immense attention as I admire poems that present the scenarios and emotions through the use of imagery and your's is definitely one of them.
good job..and keep posting; will definitely look forward to your posts.
regards,
Abhishika
Hello!
I think what's pulling this back from your usual quality is that you have a lot of extra words that aren't tied down to anything. Usually, you don't stick words like "darling" and a lot of these other extra words that aren't packed with your usual imagery.
I think you could just cut down a lot on your words. In one way, by making your tense consistent, in another, using contractions, and in a third, figuring out what you can cut. Make it so that every word is absolutely essential to your poem.
Also, I'm lacking the pointed flow and... plot? I don't know what it is. A story line of sorts, that your stuff usually has. Not that the story line is always clear (tbh it usually isn't), but here, I don't see any at all. Maybe you should look over this, and decide exactly what you want to say, what point you want to make, and then restructure the words to follow that path.
Your line breaks seem awkward. Maybe you're playing with enjambment, and honestly I'm terrible at knowing if enjambment is working, so maybe it's fine. But to me it feels awkward.
But, like always, the images that you have leave me breathless and awe-struck. I think you just need more focus.
Keep writing, always.
The imagery in your poems <3
But maybe, maybe, just maybe you could try being a little less cryptic for those of us who don't know much about the sea! I could not decipher this poem in its entirety- bits and pieces, yes, I got 'em, but I need something more to connect them to get a complete picture out of the whole thing.
(Yes, yes, I know I'm not being too helpful but I'll leave this comment here anyway)
This is a brilliant piece. Please hold on to it. The imagery is potent, the diction is spot-on, the narrative is golden. I would love to see this as a series some day. I have little criticism, so I'll just dissect the piece here so I an show you all the things you did right. Firstly, NAUTICAL IMAGERY <3 ohmygoodness boats, and anchors, and schooners and moons and the sea. Nautical imagery is most often associated with being lost or disconnected, and you use that to the fullest here. I don't think the speaker has any clue where they are, and I certainly don't. This idea also implies an interrupted journey, a quest that was halted by accident ( or some greater force intervenes? Fate is also very big with sea-scenes ). The Odyssey comes to mind, as well as 'O captain, My captain' ( you should read both if you haven't ). The last one in particular is brought up in the idea of the wounded sailor. The text constantly references healing and decay- interesting parallel. 'grandpa's sail' sort of suggests a further history to this 'boat', as if it is part of a cycle this family undertakes. The image of the anchor over the moon as a chandelier ' if it does not rust' is again this idea of possible decay over time. I love 'Silver is antiseptic- cobwebs are not' ; this comparison that really confuses but compels me is emblematic of the whole piece. You have a gift for juxtaposition that I think you should run with - your instinct to put seemingly disparate images together is marvelous, but it functions beyond the immediate 'shock' factor and asks me to attempt to read more into it. The thread of comforting the other sailor/partner/lover is incredible. The apologetic, almost appeasing tone really opens up multiple interpretations of the relationship between the speaker and this other. What has happened to the other, why are they in need of treatment? The bit about the fog frightening you both is magnificent, it seems like the narrator trying to relate to the 'other' in some way. The use of 'please' over and over again adds to this quiet desperation that the speaker seems to feel, which is perfect. The ending with the wharf being both and hands breadth and a whole sea away is exactly what we needed- the question of the ultimate salvation of these two characters is addressed, but left completely ambiguous. Who is this other voice? Which is correct? It reminds me of the story of the two patients in the hospital room, and the one by the window tells the other everything they see, until the other patient moves to the window and finds that outside is only a wall. It's a lovely portrait of someone attempting to accommodate what seems to be a very dire situation, yet it is full of fanciful imagination and dream-like images. The issues are very real, yet the solutions seem increasingly fantastic. I love that dichotomy. Is the speaker delusional? In what way? Is the crises real? How much of it? Everything is up in the air ( Including the supposed boat, maybe ) and I love what that allows me to do as a reader. Also, good on you for never confirming we are on a boat. It has just enough of the jargon to put us there but just enough obscurity to leave us wandering. All in all, a marvelous piece, i'd say. I look forward to seeing more from you soon!
)Hi Pompadour!
Whoah! I would say. That is deep. This is 'deep'. Okay, I won't deny the fact that I had to read it twice to somehow connect with what this poem means. I don't know if we reached an understanding. But from what I learned, is this some kind of 'dream' that was to remain a dream? I mean the words used were somehow describing that the 'person' telling the poem has a feeling of satisfaction but not contentment. I don't know. I, myself, am confused with what I am saying. [hahaha]
The things I noticed was somehow the form of how it was written was somehow not organized. Though, maybe you 'intentionally' did this or what?
Anyways, I like poems that make me wonder how they are formed. For me, they're a special kind of art. I don't know if you would agree with me though. But keep up the good work.
+NoirChocolat
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