stranger,
you have my sincerest apologies
for all the times i have left my heart
strung on the wire line at your doorstep.
it must be a highly disconcerting sight
to find a desiccated four-valved lump
swinging above your head: venae-cavae
almost touching your hairline.
i am sorry for not
removing it sooner.
it was a mistake—and i
didn't mean to do it.
(i would appreciate it if you didn't
file a complaint; i am aware
that the transmission lines are reserved
for pigeons only.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,904 Reviews
Dear Pomp,
You have many excellent reviews here of your poetry. However, I would like to review your anatomy.
Well before we get to that, the othe thing that bugs me is "the wire line at your doorstep". I don't think wires go close enough to houses to be considered THAT person's line. It seems to e more of a community entity.
Regarding the image of the heart itself, I was puzzled by your use of the word dessicated. It implie something long dead and dried up, not an organ ready to be reinserted. So it seemed weird.
I liked your use of venae cavae but at the same time I kind of cringed. They aren't really a part of the heart the way the aorta and pulmonary trunks are. For them to be long enough to touch someone's hairline you'd had to rip off their IVC down in their pelvis probably. And they're not of equal lengths - the SVC is much shorter. So that bothered the anatomist in me. Is this your heart or your whole vasculature?
This has been a medical review.
-Stella x
Hello!
Keep writing!
I thought this was a really cool poem actually. And the simplicity of it makes me very happy.
I think the big words, mostly those in the second stanzas sort of take away from the sincerity of the poem, but I also think they're okay. They just don't sound like something you would write on a note to someone you don't know.
I know the narrator says that it was a "mistake," but I think it might be... cooler? that's not the word I'm looking for, but I don't know what is, if you did give some sort of reason. Like, when you make up a reason for not doing your homework even though the real reason is you just didn't want to do it.
I like the image of this strange, literal heart hanging near the person's doorstep. However, I don't know how it is where you are, but don't the transmission lines go... over houses? not near the doorstep at all? That seemed like an inconsistency in the imagery.
I'd also like some sort of "sincerely, blahbyblah." at the end. I can't remember what that's called.
This would look supercool all written out in note form, imo.
I'd like to reiterate everything that Lumi said here. But that would just take up space.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this with us. I enjoyed it a lot.
As always,
~fort
Dandy. <3
Stanza two doesn't please me because it has a prosaic disconnect from the flow that you've begun in the first part - mostly because the imagery immediately stops for the clunky 'it must be highly disconcerting' without a smoother slip. Try to edit the phraseology of this particular point to smooth things out. Even the introduction of "I know" smooths out the flow. Little things. Remember them.
After stanza three, there feels like an absence of content, almost as though the apology should be extended. I'm not asking for embellishment or extension - but rather that you find a way to make it feel conclusive since it's followed by parenthetical sentiment.
Above all, I think I'm missing the main point of the content (though it can be inferred) - and it could be more beneficial to your piece as a whole to explore the details more thoroughly. I'm not necessarily displeased with the piece, but it doesn't feel as complete as your earlier pieces. Food for thought.
Ty
Well, hello there. I am here for a review. So, should we begin? (Brace yourself) Okay. Here I go!
At first glance, it looks more like a draft than one final piece. Why are your first letters of every sentence not capitalized? I mean, see? Even your "i" is not capitalized. That shouldn't be how it is here especially in poetry.
No punctuation too? Why, just why? You really need punctuation for your poetry. It just helps the reader to read it so smoothly. Ah, this looks so odd and different. You should use punctuation, dude.
Let's now talk about the poem itself.
Which wire lines are there on our doorsteps? Maybe I am not a really deep thinker but I have no idea what you meant by this one.
The structure you gave to the poem was a little bit weird. Not bad but just weird.
Well, it shouldn't be like this. You see? You can simply make it something like this:
You can stick to your own ideas and words but I really suggest you change the word placement.
And was that last part a note to us or a part of the poem? My head hurts now. What's going on?
I am really very sorry but that part left me totally confused. I am not sure what you meant there.
Overall, it wasn't really what I expected it to be. It wasn't bad but not too good given that you are such a splendid writer. I hope you improve on the things mentioned above. I'd love to see more of your stuff to check if you really write like this all the time or were you in a hurry this time!
Well, that's pretty much of it. Keep writing and good luck. See ya.
I should point out here that capitalisation and punctuation, unlike other forms of literary work is optional in poetry. Here is a poem by e.e cummings doing exactly that.
Oh, thanks for telling. I didn't know that
I deliberately left the poem uncapitalised and punctuation sparse, as Flite mentioned. The reason the lines are broken up like that is because I was playing with enjambment, although if you have any comments on my method, I'd be happy to listen. Also, not everything is clear-cut in poetry! I do have a tendency to be cryptic, though; just tell me where I'm being too much so.
Thanks for your thoughts~ ^^
Hello Pompador! CHRISSY321 here with another review!
***Happy Review Day!***:D
This is very comical- yet horrific and dark, I LOVE IT!
Though this is short, there are a few things I would change...
For staters there was one mistake the stood out:
"for all the times i have left my heart "
The "i" needs to be capitalized! I know that is a bad habit, but you really need to make sure that things like that are capitalized! No Biggie though!
One more thing is that if it were me writing it, I would not make the a poem, but an actual letter. I think if you made it longer, and made a few more funny remarks with it, it may be even better! I think it would be better that way because it seems a little off to be a poem, but then again it can stay if you like it
Other than these things, this was great! Good job, and I hope to hear more from you!
Capitalisation is not a must in poetry.
Thank you for your thoughts! It isn't really a bad habit; it's intentional. But please do let me know if you think the capitalisation was unsuited to the piece, and why.
Oops! Wrong link. This is the right one.