I know the things that I could do
if only I were braver.
I know that I would do them, too,
if God had shown me favor.
.
For I see the boys and girls up there,
proud of what they’ve become.
I watch the way they float on air,
as I lie beneath, so grossly numb.
.
If I could, one day, learn to love
myself despite the chains that bound,
then maybe when push came to shove
I wouldn’t hide and just back down.
.
But bravery is held by few
and I am not a holder.
Yet if I could somehow start anew
I’d find my strength as I grew older
.
I’d stop my secret at the seed,
before it got a chance to sprout.
Because I know that what I need
is to find my shine and let it out.
.
The longer I keep the chain so tight,
the stronger it seems to be.
And though I yank with all my might,
I cannot unwrap the lies on me.
.
If I could start life without a stress,
knowing all the things I’ve learned,
I’d forget about those pointless tests
and enjoy the life that I have earned.
.
But sadly there is no redo,
for a life that has turned rotten.
And with regret I weep for truth,
as joy I have forgotten.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This poem was well written.
"The longer I keep the chain so tight,
the stronger it seems to be.
And though I yank with all my might,
I cannot unwrap the lies on me."
This is a very good point, and stated very well. I like the premise of your poem, and the message you convey. The last stanza sums it all up, and since you wrote it, I don't feel the need to say it again.
As far as the writing goes, I don't absolutely love it, but I find no problems with it. It flows well, you stick on topic, and the beat is consistent, all good things. Over all, it's good poetry.
Thank you MysteryMe
I was simply enchanted by this poem! I find it pretty difficult to use rhyme, so I applaud you for that! Even though this poem is, in the end, just about failure, there seems to be a sort of mystical quality about it. It almost sounds sort of regal. Perhaps that due to the rhyming.
The only sort of error that you could stand to correct is your metre. It fluctuates from stanza to stanza and it interrupted the flow. Perhaps figure out how to even out the metre.
Other than that, I have no other criticisms! Fantastic poem! I love it!
Hello! I love the tone and simple style you've created here. It really helps the message to come across. Your voice is so effective and I feel myself comprehending your emotion without any confusion or misgivings, so good work! I just have a few comments -
1.
I think you mean "I" instead of "a".
2.
The word "bound" is deviating from the tense that you've established previously. It would have to be "bind" to be correct, I believe. However, that would ruin your rhyme. I just think the wording and the deviation from the tense makes it a bit choppy to read.
3.
This stanza is a bit odd to me because you don't seem to be stating anything that effective to me as a reader. You seem to state the obvious to me here, so I wonder if you've worded it correctly. However, if I do interpret it correctly, you state that you are your own reason for being unable to escape the lies, which is rather poetic. However, the lies "on" you seem a strange way to put it. I usually think of lies as being internal, but that may not be what you are trying to convey.
The rhyming seems a bit contrived, but the flow seems mostly consistent. If you'd like to focus on improving the rhyming, you could start by analyzing the iambic pentameter in lines to ensure that the syllable count amongst lines in the same stanza correspond.
Again, I really like your poem and I think you've shared your emotions and thoughts in a beautiful way!
Thanks!