I've been feeling kind of down in the dumps lately, so I've decided to vent and write this. It's not perfect, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
I used to wake up every morning
Knowing exactly where I was.
I used to go about my business
With a hope and with a cause.
.
I used to think that I was special,
A single rose in the hot sun.
But now I feel the opposite:
The same as everyone.
.
I used to be a happy child,
So sure I’d be a writer.
But now I think I’ll never make it
As the rope gets pulled much tighter.
.
I used to be quite talented,
I knew my place in this dark world.
Then suddenly the clouds came,
And all my pretty dreams unfurled.
.
I’d never be a writer,
I’d never change it all.
As soon as I did dare to jump,
I knew that I would fall.
.
I wonder where my hope went.
Did it crumble up and die?
For it left me as an empty shell,
And all that’s left to do is cry.
.
I am still just a little girl,
But I feel far past my age.
My optimism is wearing thin,
My dreams trapped in a cage.
.
So If I dare to ask you,
If you find my innocence somewhere
Please return my treasure,
For nothing can compare.
.
I used to be so hopeful,
I used to be so out of line,
But somehow I lost it all,
And I want back what once was mine.
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130,098 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hi!
First of, this piece and nice and based on what i understood, this person lost all hope and just gave up. Its like this person lost something but just cant point it out.
I really like this one:
"I used to be so hopeful,
I used to be so out of line,
But somehow I lost it all,
And I want back what once was mine."
I really like this. Its just like what i thought or at least think of sometimes and it really sends a message to you. This really reminds me when i was still in my middle school year.
For me, the grammar is good.
The formatting is okay.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you!! I'm glad you think so
First, you are a very talented writer, especially considering your age! Second, I love how you follow a definite rhyme scheme, something that far too many young poets (myself included) don't consider. I also enjoyed how you discussed writing, it is another thing that not nearly enough writers consider, even though it is a primary part of their life. I would suggest that you bring it up a little more, what made you believe that your dream was no longer easily obtainable? How is this connected to your innocence? Also, if I were to suggest a spot to edit, I may say take another look at your diction in the first half. I know this is hard to do while trying to stick to a rhyme scheme, but it is clear that your language in the second half reflects your vocabulary more adequately. Lastly, I loved the last two lines. They brought the reader back to the main idea and directly tied in the title. I think this poem does a really great job of not leaving too strings unattached; keep up the good work!
Thanks!!!! I'm glad you liked it, and I'll definitely take a look at your suggestions
Wow...this sounds exactly like how I felt my junior year...and perhaps even a bit how I feel now. All this promise I was so convinced of just fading away to another drop in an endless sea.... It's really a wonderful piece of work, Mystery Me. I wish you luck about getting over this stage! It took me a long time to pull out of it and I still get sucked back in sometimes. Slumps are the worst, aren't they?
Uh...this is supposed to be a review....
So I know what you mean with the stanza problem. I've started putting a dash between my stanzas because I can never get the format to work, and that keeps them separated. The flow is wonderful and the thoughts very honest and relatable. Good job!
Thanks so much!!! And I know what you mean, I hate being in slumps. I think this is my first since I've realized I wanted to be a writer, and I'm not enjoying it so far -_-
Hi, MysteryMe! Griffin, here for a review on this lovely piece.
First off, wow. This is fantastic. I really love what you captured in this. How strange, because I have been feeling exactly the same way lately. O.O You're physic. We should talk. XD
Anyway, I love the rhythm of the piece. It flowed well and the rhyming was nice. I do think, however, that it ran a little long. I would say to go and take out everything but what is relevant, but most of it is so good... It's a problem.
The only thing I would fix is
I would make that, "But somehow I lost it all." I think that would flow better. I loved the last line, it pulled everything together so perfectly and...and...
Overall, I love this. Great job.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Wow, thank you! That really means a lot
. I figured since I've been feeling this way for a little while, I might as well make some use of it XD.
T'is a good mindset to have.
We will get through this together, it happens to everyone.
I thought this was a beautiful poem that really captured the essence of what you were speaking about. Some of the lines reminded me of the song Innocence, by Avril Lavigne, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The loss of hope and optimism is something all writers, and everyone else in the world for that matter, goes through too. The lines,
I am still just a little girl,
But I feel far past my age.
Were particularly amazing. I've felt that way on multiple occasions. I hope you start feeling better soon!
Thank you! I'm honestly so glad you liked it
. And I've actually never heard about that song before, but now that you mentioned it I'll definitely go check it out.