They never demanded
To watch me fall,
But still I could see it
Amongst them all.
.
They never revealed
I wasn’t enough,
But still their mouths thinned
And I knew that they’d bluffed.
.
So I tried,
And I squirmed,
And I fought,
And I earned,
.
But still nothing.
Still nothing.
.
So I called
for their hands,
And I worked
towards their plans,
.
But still nothing.
Still nothing.
.
So I begged
For some love,
And I beat
To their drum,
.
But still nothing.
Still nothing.
.
So I thought
I’d give up
And go home
To erupt,
.
But I found my feet
glued to their floor.
And trapped, by all my own faults,
I just pounded, screaming for more.
.
But soon they got sick
Of my racket,
So they left their house empty
And sacked it.
.
And only then could I see,
In the absence of feet,
My bleeding heart
Still beat.
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This is beautiful, and it reminded me of how I used to feel. This is a great message, and I especially liked the line,
"And only then could I see
In the absence of feet
My bleeding heart
Still beat."
The recurrence of "Still nothing," and the "Still beat," at the end was powerfully written, but not overdone.
Some nitpicks:
1. In the second to last stanza the last line felt clumsy. "Sacked it," though preserving the rhyme scheme, didn't make any sense. If your having trouble finding something to rhyme with racket, try bracket, jacket, or packet.
2. The absence of punctuation besides the period took me out of the poem. You should either remove it all, add it all in, or put all punctuation BESIDES the period. The period by its self is a little clumsy.
But don't let this old geezer get you down, this really was a beautiful and meaningful poem. I'd give it eight of ten stars, with a wholehearted, "Please, for God's sake, KEEP WRITING!"
Thanks!!! I'm happy you liked it
MysteryMe,
I don't have to spoil anything if you haven't. Towards the middle of the poem when you were repeating, "but still nothing. Still nothing.", that had to be my favourite part. Because as I was reading it, I was reciting the lines in between with such passion, but when I read "but still nothing." I slowed down to a whisper, then got louder again after. I just love how the words and the passion went together. Amazing poem.
I really like how intense this poem got. There was so much emotion. Instead of feeling like the "I", I felt as though I was amongst the "they". I felt like I was watching someone break, and watching someone fall, and still trying to fight but I just couldn't bare the strength to help them and the crowd just held me back. I loved the ending a ton! It reminded me of "The Tell-Tale Heart" by Edgar Allen Poe. It's a short story, I recommend you read it
Here's one thing I found a little bit awkward:
"They never demanded
That I not fall
But still I could see it
Amongst them all."
When you put 'never' and 'not' together, it sounds like they did demand you to fall. But I feel like you didn't want the poem to blantenly say that. Here's what I would change it to:
"They never demanded
To watch me fall
But still I could see it
Amongst them all."
Keep writing. I really loved this poem. <3
-Percybeth
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it
.