Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Just a little something I wrote up in a half-hour or so. I put a lot of thought into it, but it doesn't exactly have any real point. I was just feeling like writing something sad and gruesome, so I described different methods of suicide. Sorry if I disturb you XD.
..............................................................
One day I awoke
And forgot how to cry,
So I cried with my blood
And then bled myself dry.
.
One day I sank
Into a bath warm as sun
And then laughed underneath
With water-filled lungs.
.
One day I swallowed
Candies of all different shades
And then wrote my goodbye
As they dissolved me away.
.
One day I gazed
At the birds in the sky
So I leaned out the window
And believed I could fly.
.
One day I counted
All the cars rolling past
And then jumped in the way
To stop them going so fast.
.
One day I tied
A thick rope to the deck
And then allowed it to hug
My frail, broken neck.
.
One day I screamed
“I am done with this fight!”
So I put a gun to my head
And splattered into the night.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well, this is good, and has everything necessary in it. I'm not a poetry expert, but still think its good.
You used rhymes, meter, and everything else needed for a good poem, but I hope you don't plan to do any of these things! But this is interesting and good. A little gruesome, but it matches my mood, so......
However the sun line doesn't make much sense, and the last line seems like it has to many syllables to me. I can understand that it works, but perhaps you could figure out a different way to put it.
But, all in all, this is a great poem, and I like it. Maybe one day the poems I write might be this good.
You splattered into the night? Well done. I've always wanted to splatter.
Ok, normally I don't particularly like real depressing poems so I'm glad you put that little note at the end.
Practically everything; the meter, rhythm, tempo, rhyme and structure; are there, however there are a couple of points I will pick you up on.
It think, in the last line of the last verse, there are possibly one too many syllables in that sentence.
Oh and I don't like the sun metaphor. Consider changing it as it doesn't actually rhyme.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Okay brody here and a couple things I wanna say this is really good and quite true. I hope you aren't actually considering any of thes things.
The rhyme scheme is beautiful and I really enjoy it but maybe try to find a better word for the second verse as sun and lungs don't actually rhyme but its wounds close enough it took me a while to notice so I say that your poem is good other than that
Thanks for reading this :/
I will review this at some point. I just love it!
Hello there, MysteryMe!
Noticed a new work on the hotspots. Wanted to come and check it out~
So then, in many way this poem is interesting. The usual, rather cliche ways of taking your own life has been creatively written, turning it into an interesting piece of work. My favourite was the fourth stanza.
Sorry I couldn't help out much, mainly because I didn't find anything wrong with this poetry. A wonderful flow, everything rhymed perfectly-- I just...think it's magnificent.
I always like your works, and this one was, as always, really good. Keep up the writing!
~Brunnera
This poem is really interesting for multiple reasons. The rhyme scheme seems so simple and appealing, but the words are really dark. I also like the way you made every form of suicide seem so innocent, such as the narrator believing they could fly or swallowing candies of all different shades.
I can tell a lot of thought and effort was put into this work. I had to read it a couple times because I liked it so much.
I can see why this got featured. You show a lot of talent and I hope you keep writing!
Heyo
Well for something you just knocked out, you've got a really powerful piece on your hands here. And it certainly didn't offend or disturb me in any way, don't worry.
Your structure and layout of the work is very good, neatly confined ideas within each stanza that represent the key themes of the topic. Also, your use of punctuation and technical features such as spelling is accurate. (unless I have missed anything) XD
Obviously the angle from which you have written this - the narrative perspective is vry clear and probably holds true to your own views, which is great because it helps make the work sound more personal.
I really liked this one. This was my favourite part:
'One day I swallowed
Candies of all different shades
And then wrote my goodbye
As they dissolved me away. '
I'm glad this work got featured, because it really deserves it.
Hello. Just my first little review from the weirdness of my mind.
This was very, very well done. I loved how even for a dark and depressing poem, you made it seem so witty and almost humorous IMO. I showed this to my friend who was thinking about suicide, and she bust out laughing talking about how ridiculous it sounded. . . then, she remembered she could've done any of those things. No one wants to be ridiculous, especially when dead. So in a way, the poem actually saved her. Thank you.
You didn't disturb me. You just made my day. XD
The title of this caught me right away, mostly because I used to have suicidal thoughts, so I was curious as to what this might say. It is dark, which I enjoy, most of the things I enjoy reading are dark. I love the theme of this, its very controversial, something no one wants to talk about, which I also enjoy.
I really enjoyed how you compared pills/drugs to candies, its something I have never seen before. Your word choice for the topic was perfect, and I love how each time it was a different type of death, which really gets people thinking. I loved it so much.
Hello, Cheetah here to review your poem.
First of all, I want to say this is really good. The way you talked about each situation was different. For some of them, the first stanza for example, you make us think about what was going on before we understand. In the second stanza you made me read it again because the way you talked about it was light, even though the idea wasn't.
I thought the way you talked about this was especially interesting. You're using candies to define drugs and you talk about them dissolving you like they dissolve inside you. Intriguing.
This could be stylistic for you, the way you phrased this last line and if it is please don't worry about changing it. I found it a little confusing though and I had to re-read it to understand what you meant. I would change it to 'And splattered red into the night.' Other than that, this was a very good stanza.
Overall, this was a very good poem. Keep writing!
What's up Mystery? Strange here, and I have a quick review for you. Sorry if this is short and rusty, as I just returned to reviewing just yesterday.
This was a very interesting poem. Was it sick and twisted? In my case, no. I've read some twisted, gruesome stuff. Hell, I've wrote some. I'm not calling this bad. I honestly enjoyed this poem. The whole idea of death is intriguing, especially how you write this. I found no direct plot of this poem. You felt like writing about death, so you write about death. I like the idea of death, so I liked this. Now, I have my own views about suicide. My views once put me under fire so I prefer not saying. This was a good poem, with effort put into 30 minutes.|
Overall, good job
Strange gives you..
8.1/10
Great job
Keep writing
Stay groovy my friend.