This poem is a little strange. I wrote it trying to use a different rhyme scheme than usual, and this is what I ended up with. It's not great, but not horrible, so I figured I'd just share it and see what you guys think. Enjoy :).
When the ground grows cold
And my body, frail and old,
Remember me…
For who I was
.
When the light within me dims,
And the doubt fights back and wins,
Remember me…
As the girl you loved.
.
For you saw the way I used to shine,
You saw the world when it was mine,
Unlike the rest, you really knew,
Who I could have become.
.
You were there as I was thrown,
My soul trampled and turned to stone,
But not my fault, for it was they
Who turned my mind so numb.
.
So tell them, please, what I used to be,
And show them all how filled with glee
I was before they did this to me,
And that they should’ve known.
.
Remind them of what they destroyed,
Let them feel my empty void,
And show them who I would have been
If I only could’ve grown.
.
Tell them the wounds are too old to heal,
Show them the way that I now feel,
And if you do, I know that you
Love me as much as you do claim.
.
Now dear, grant me one last wish today
Look into their eyes and then do say
That I forgive them for it all.
For in death there is no blame.
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140,599 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hello! Sophiewrites here for a quick review!
To be honest I didn't expect much after you opening paragraph, seriously wow don't ever put yourself down like that again! I was surprised to find a rather spending poem right underneath!
I like how you made me trying to figure out what happened to the girl in the story and whenever i thought oh I'll find out now.. I didn't! You keep it open for people to guess and maybe see themselves and their possible deaths in this. Amazing!!!!
You managed to build up a good atmosphere with your choice of words. No nitpicks about grammar or spelling!
my favorite lines were:
,,You were there as I was thrown,
My soul trampled and turned to stone,
But not my fault, for it was they
Who turned my mind so numb.''
Keep up the good work,
sophiewrites
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you liked it
Hello! Sophiewrites here for a quick review!
To be honest I didn't expect much after you opening paragraph, seriously wow don't ever put yourself down like that again! I was surprised to find a rather spending poem right underneath!
I like how you made me trying to figure out what happened to the girl in the story and whenever i thought oh I'll find out now.. I didn't! You keep it open for people to guess and maybe see themselves and their possible deaths in this. Amazing!!!!
You managed to build up a good atmosphere with your choice of words. No nitpicks about grammar or spelling!
my favorite lines were:
,,You were there as I was thrown,
My soul trampled and turned to stone,
But not my fault, for it was they
Who turned my mind so numb.''
Keep up the good work,
sophiewrites
This was really good. A little dark, a little light, a good mixture of both. It's spine chilling, to me, who has been so very close to this unnamed character's position. It captures everything so well. The pain and pressure, the release and memories, and the hopes of forgiveness by both herself and those she left behind. It also flows well, in my opinion. A nice mixture of structure and free verse both.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!