Our rollercoaster peaks,
On this New Year's Eve.
The fireworks light up the gloomy clouds.
The midnight sun is pink and purple.
Stay with me in this moment,
Before the first red breaks,
And the blue fills the sky.
As they rush to capture the image of what was,
With firework flash and finish.
Remind me of our love.
Of the petty flirtations,
And of those winter kisses,
The stupid dances and the silly phone calls.
Keep this moment,
Until the night is no longer clear,
And the storm brews,
Stay with me.
The rain comes down quick and fast,
Blurring that golden burst of light.
Lightning flashes from east to west.
Don't follow its rapid run.
Please talk to me and I'll humour you,
On the last,
Of our silent nights,
Together.
------------
I'm worried the poem is horribly repetitive - do you think shorter = more potent?
What did this poem mean to you?
What do you think was the point and how does it relate to you?
Rhythm okay? Does it LOOK appealing?
I wrote this with the fear of growing up in mind, does that resonate with you whether a fear or past experience?
Thanks for reading,
TheNewHero.
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
It is a really good piece.... Good use of colors as said above and yes the last stanza was not good you could work on that to make the poem more appealing....
But unfortunately it did not invoke any sort of emotions....
A good rhythm and flow...
All in all it was a good poem...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...
Hi,
To be honest, this sounds professional! I'm very impressed.
I particularly enjoyed your use of colors throughout the poem to convey the mood. No, I didn't find it repetitive. In each stanza you managed to find a new way to advance the poem. To me, it is the last night together of two people who love each other. Most of it is reflective, but it uses the weather and scene to convey the mood well. Looks very nice and it was broken up well. How does it relate to me?? Well, as I said, I really liked the reflectiveness. I know THAT feeling well. The fear of growing up...well, not really for me but knowing that I understand it. For me, it struck the feeling of leaving summer camp at the end of seven weeks. You get so close to the people there and the lifestyle that it's not easy to move on. I feel like I've been interviewed!
But on to you and YOUR poem:
As I said, I loved the whole thing. The only part that didn't feel quite right was the end.
I suppose that the first thing that I would do, if I were you, would be to cut out the "Please." The rest of your poem is concise in a powerful way. The please is out of place. I guess I'd like it to read:
I'm also not sure I like the whimsical feel of the last two lines. I'm not sure what I would do instead though. Maybe add a word in front of "Together", for example:
I'm not sure why, but this just feels more in keeping with the rest. Take it or leave it, I'm not even sure if I completely agree with myself on that one.
But overall, fantastic job with this, and keep writing poetry!!!
Sarebear