The Awakening
In the dark tomb,
There is but one sound,
Duhduh, buhduh,
Of a heartbeat
Then the blood begins to flow,
His breath quickens,
He's hyperventilating,
Cold sweat beads his forehead,
Memories flood back as his eyes burst open,
A betrayal by a close friend,
The glint of armour in the moonlight,
Without a friend's hand to hold,
Captured and killed
His fists open and close,
Open and close,
And his fingers run along the palm,
Run over the hole,
The Man cannot see anything in the dark,
But on the ceiling of the cave he sees a story play out,
A War, a War and a Third War,
A man's hands stained with the blood of sixty million,
The cross being burned, smoke billowing up in the night sky and blocking the heavens,
A microchip implantation,
An antimatter bomb lights up the night sky,
The Man cannot hear anything,
But in the cave the echoes of screams,
Tears, prayers, chanting,
Footsteps marching through the streets of France,
Gunshots bursting and the world ripped apart by one atomic bomb,
The air screaming as a fighter cuts through,
The maniacal laugh of one mad Antichrist,
He feels only the hurricane on His face,
And the rumble of the earthquake,
He smells the smoke,
He tastes poison in the air,
The prologue is done,
And only now starts the story,
The Greatest Story Ever Told...
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Amazing. The poem is very tense and exciting. I liked the way you word your sentences. They are not necessarily complete. However, the wording is proper for the style of the poem.
The heartbeat is a little strange. The description of the beat reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe. Although I do not totally dislike the heartbeat sound, it is strangely inserted and contrasting.
The best element of this poem (and it does have several good elements) is the tense, visceral, and dare I say masculine tone and style. One can easily distinguish it from a lot of the stuff (my own work included) that gets posted on here--emo rants, sob stories, and nature imagery, for the most part. Now, all those things are great, but yours was a breath of fresh air. My one quibble, and it's not a loud one, is the third line, where you phonetically describe the beating of his heart. It sounds accurate, but detracts from the poetic element and sort of reminds me of my brother trying to imitate random sounds. You both do it well, but it doesn't really seem to fit in a poem.
Your good with tension.
At the end I was like *phew*.
It's very interesting. Well done. =]