Her piercing cries once filled the African night,
And her teardrops wet the dry ground,
But hardened hearts don't listen,
And so.
He fought and kicked and has the scars to show it,
Yet he's being driven along the Highway to Hell,
Devil at the wheel driving at the speed of darkness,
And so.
What'll we do?
Where can we go?
When will we see a brighter day?
Who can we be?
How can we sleep...
… when the flood victim cradles her baby?
She watches his light die away,
Singing Glory Land all the while.
And so.
Here we are,
And we could do what we should,
But the drone of harmony is too beautiful,
And peace is an enchantress irresistable,
Dear God,
Where can we go,
Who should we be?
What can be said,
To the wronged and the damned!
What excuse can we give?
Ten seconds to midnight,
Five seconds to doomsday...
How can we sleep?
How did you interpret the first, second and third stanzas, Was the last stanza a good finish Was there good rhythm? Did the rhythm enhance the feel of the poem? Is it a good back-up to the song? What effect, if any, do the words 'And so' have on you. Does the poem back-up the song?Points:
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Wonderful poem. Very deep and extremely original. I can feel your emotions and passion for writing.
Hey, Hero! Congrats on the feature! Just stopped by for a review. =)
What I see in this poem is the same little distraction with the commas. Entering (¶) already makes the reader stop; meaning adding comma doesn't really help in the stop. All it does is to make someone pause longer than necessary. You've mentioned BenFranks. Isn't he a nonfictionist? I'm not degrading his skills, but poetry is creative writing. When did he tell you about the punctuations? What exactly did he say and suggest to you? Why did he tell you about it? Those questions would be worth considering first before taking up advices. Even though a person is seriously good in writing, we all have our differences in genres and so.
Another problem with the commas is that you used it for style? And there were lines where commas were supposed to be found. It was like you deprived these lines of the particular punctuation:
There should have been a comma between wheel and driving.
So really, I was just bothered with the punctuations.
On with the theme. I don't know why this nicely written poem (it's good, honest) should be inspired by the said song. Talking about double market...argh! FLYLEAF ehem...out of topic. Anyway *laughs* I was a bit disappointed with your message. Hero, you're the kind of dude who is really willing to help. (That's the kind of character that is needed, sadly lacking, especially in this time.) We've all seen how determined you are to be what God wants you to be. But do you think this is what His plan is?
Don't make the wrong impression on me. I am not, clearly not against all charity and helping stuff. I'm in ministries here in Philippines, and no, I will never discourage anyone to help someone for their physical needs.
But think about it: what is the PRIORITY? Physical or spiritual? People need food, etc. But what's worth spending time on. What's worth giving out your breath and words for: physical or spiritual salvation?
Maybe some people are truly blessed with materials to give out; but not all are.
Christians, for those who are not able to give out anything, do not lose heart: give out your everything, time and breathe, to share the good news. Don't feel bad if you have nothing tangible to give.
"Silver and gold I have none, but in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk." - Peter (Acts 3:6)
Physical help is, of course, okay, (Peter demonstrated it) but think about what's needed most. Also, maybe there should be a balance. If you get what I mean...
HWHY bless you, Hero! Please keep the fire burning and only for Him!
~ Jash
Oh my gosh, I love you. Like, for real. I'm going to abduct your mind and absorb your poetic amazingness through the process of osmosis, okay?
Just thought I'd get that out of the way.
So I'm sure I shan't be the first to tell you that this poem is both beautiful and powerful. The idea presented especially resonates with me, as it is something I have often thought of myself. One has a certain feeling of helplessness amid all the chaos and despair in the world; and yet, every little bit counts. Your imagery describing the people in the first, second, and fourth stanzas was very touching, and throughout the poem I felt that passion, that urgency, which made me really connect with what you were saying. Someone said the last stanza was vague? Well, perhaps; but I liked it, the whole apocalyptic theme. I have only one nitpick:
This is just a personal thing, but I simply can't abide exclamation points in poetry. They irk me. I think this line would be a lot more powerful and a lot less cheesy if you changed it to a period.
Well, that is all. Once again, bravo, and definitely keep writing!
~Warrior Princess
Okay. I'm sorry now. I'm about to give a super lame review.
So, I thought this was excellent. The ending was a little ambiguous, but as a whole, the poem's message was very strong. I took the first part as about abuse, but as I read on, I realized what it was really about, and the theme of abuse towards the beginning made it all the much more powerful.
Really excellent rhythm- I think the "And so" kind of gave the reader a moment to reflect on the images and feelings and everything.
Overall, wonderful write- very poignant and strong. Great job.
-Coral-
Thanks, Ktg17, always nice to get positive feedback. Thanks to everyone who *Likes* and likes the poem. Thanks Shiney, you hit it right on the bell with the prayer thing, but as always it's how you interpret it
Oh my yes. This is one of the best if not the best poem I have read on this site so far. I love the expressiveness, and the imagery and diction.
I like that part, asking many questions that people are still trying to find answers to. Almost like a prayer, right?
Just wonderful!
Wow. That's all I can say. Wow.
Now as we all know, I'm horrible at reviewing poems. So I'm just going to comment on the message.
I LOVED IT! I don't know about the rest of you, but it really made me think. It inspires AND is well written! Great Job!